I never knew the true feeling of losing someone you love until May 29th, 2020. On this day I lost my dad who was like my best friend. I never wanted to know that feeling of losing one of the people I love most in my life. I hope no one has to experience that but even in the end we all will. I want to share my story with it and how my life has changed me. 

The feeling in my chest was hard because I got told to be brave for my mom and I was confused at first like was I not allowed to be upset because he was my dad and i have feelings about this because I did not get to say goodbye to my dad before he passed away because of how sudden it was. I will never get the memory out of my head when I came home after hanging out with my grandparents and there were police cars, fire trucks and ambulances sitting out the house. I did not know what to do. My mom told me to go stand with our next door neighbor then I went down the street to my friend's house because I needed a place to go where I could see my dad getting wheeled out of the house and into the ambulance to get him to the hospital. I will forever remember that because I could have said goodbye but I did not know it was going to be the end. After my mom went to the hospital I went to my grandparent house to wait on her and she walked in the door telling me to sit down and the saying “ I'm so so sorry but he passed away” trying so hard no to break down in tears while I am saying “no no no it cant real! this can't be real!” Those two memories from that day/ night are stuck in my mind and I wish they were not because when  he first passed away I would sit there and think about those memories. 

I wish at age of 13 I did not have to experience that hard thing of grief because it was hard for me to understand and that my emotions were going to me so mess me up. Having to learn how to control my emotions as a 13 year old. It was hard for me especially when school started back when had to option to do online school but I wanted to in person school because I did not want to be at home all day by myself because me and my mom did not think it would be good for me so i went in person and I had a couple of people that i trusted enough to know what I was going through that way if I was crying in class they could help out. One of those people has become my best friend and I could not be any more grateful for her because she had helped me through the worst time in my life and still looks at me like a person and not someone with a damaged heart. With that damaged heart I managed to heal it some but still is broken even though I know my dad would not want me to be upset that he passed away. He would want me to share memories of him with everyone rather than cry over him being dead. But over time the grief can become less and less and then come back in waves of really strong or not so strong. 

Grief does weird things to people, everyone copes in different ways. I did not know what to do really because I just had a pit in my stomach for a while and then over time it slowly got covered with happy memories but sometimes that pit comes back and I feel guilty that I feel sad about when everyone else is in a good palace in their life. But grief is strange, it never goes away, it will always be there so the emotions are completely to have. Now it has been 3 years since my dad passed away, going on 4 years in May and I still have moments where I get really upset and miss him so much and wish I could say goodbye to him or have one more hug from him. With that being said, wanting a hug from him I would also love to hear his voice one more time. I was looking through old videos and I found one from 4th of July 2019 with him saying "it's over” after the firework show. When I am missing him and wanting to hear his voice I listen to it or if I want something to smell like him I spry his collagen on whatever I want to smell like him. 

I want people to know that grief, especially at a young age, can be hard because you have to become an adult real fast, especially if you are an only child because you do not have anyone to share the pain with. When being that young losing someone, people your age do not know that feeling of losing someone they love because they have never lost someone before. Grief is hard and people cope in different ways and you have to accept that and be there for the people that have lost a loved one. I know this might sound repetitive but I just want the message to get across that grief is hard and will never go away. I will say one thing I look at the sunset to see my dad painting me a beautiful picture in the sky to help see that he is in heaven.