The red handle glistened like blood in the moonlight, the Swiss army knife symbol of a cross sparkled like the tears in my eyes. At seven years old, I held the open blade to my bare chest, closing my eyes while my teeth clenched together and my face grew warm with fear and hurt. I remembered the nights I spent behind closed doors; those nights when I wondered if I was loved. It was then that I would often ask myself questions about death; like if Heaven was what I was told or if death would be an inky black nonexistence? Maybe the latter seemed better. After all, it would be quiet, peaceful, and devoid of purpose. Yet the former still played on my heart as I would often ask myself, “Would God accept me into Heaven if I pushed this knife a little further?”. Despite a knack for remembering even the most minute details, I still don’t know why I originally took the action to set the knife down and never hold it towards myself again. Yet this was the start of my growth; the growth of my happiness, of my purpose, and of my love.

After knowing how depression feels and how hard it can be to escape it, I found myself drawn to helping other people, caring for people, and smiling with people. I began to see how people were affected by daily events in their life. I met people who were depressed like I was. People who thought that they didn’t matter, that their life was so awful that they would be better off dead; like their death wouldn’t affect anyone or anything. This taught me many things, but the main lesson I learned was that everyone is going through something. I don’t want to be the reason that their life is more difficult; instead, I want to be the reason someone is able to get up in the morning and keep going. As I started to help people, I began to enjoy it. I could see people smiling, hopefully changing their day around for the better. This feeling gave me new life; whereas before, I was dead. It showed me that even if I couldn’t change the world, I could change a person’s life. This gave me purpose, something that I could finally look forward to in my life. Yet my purpose isn’t complete, and without my cousin, it never would be.

My cousin is a very interesting person; I mean that in a negative, but loving way. With that being said, he has had many trials in his life. His parents divorced, his belongings burned in a fire, and his current life comes from his family’s hard work. In comparison to him, I seemed to have no trials. I never needed to worry about food, I never understood why people went through struggles, and I never cared to do things I needed to do. This in itself was my trial. My cousin was the one to really open my eyes to this. He was the instructing figure in my life that told me when I was lacking in knowledge. My brother would call me inept, a “stubborn-headed-iron-goat”, or an immature brat, but he never truly helped me. My cousin, on the other hand, was the foundation upon my Christian foundation. He told me where my faults lied and where I lacked in logic. From then on, I always looked at the logic behind life and why people do the things they do. While at first, I gained a cynical outlook to the world, I would eventually realize something that developed an agape love within me.

“The pen is mightier than the sword” and “actions speak louder than words” are two quotes that led me to this realization. Oftentimes, words can sway actions. Emotions like thankfulness and kindness can be displayed by just a few meaningful words; which, even in word form, can be powerful. Yet certain emotions, like agape love, can only be conveyed through actions. Whenever I see someone who is hurting, I always want to help. I always think about that little boy, sitting in tears as blood rushed to his face from how hard he wished for the pain to end. I think of how everyone could be that little boy that I was. Wanting for the pain to part, for the suffering to cease. For someone to love them, comfort them, and help them. Honestly, it can sometimes just be a compliment, or laughing at someone’s joke. There have been times where people have laughed at me for being a fool as I danced in the stands at football games, and it was the thing that lightened up my day or even week. So maybe it is selfish, but I always want to see people laugh or smile, as it brings me satisfaction to know that I will be able to see them laugh or smile again.

The things I’ve learned over the years is that every person has their own struggles, everyone has their own problems, and everyone has the ability to grow. That is the knowledge I carry in my heart. The knowledge that changed my happiness, purpose, and love. It is why I dance in the stands at football games; it is why I try to smile anytime I can; and maybe, it is why I set down the red Swiss army knife and walked away.