You never truly knew the effect you had on me:

the way i could hear your laugh from a mile away,

the way that your music taste touched my emotions everytime we were in your car,

the way that i miss you even from afar and while knowing you hate me now, 

the way you used to smile when i told you i loved you, 

the way you'd look up at the ceiling or sky when we talked about our future,

the way i cried when you kissed me in your car one last time before leaving me forever,

the way i nearly died from shock when you came to my brother's place while i was over,

the way you pulled me out into the hall and said that our "little romance" never happened,

the way you had the audacity to tell me i needed to put deodorant on despite having it on (i had wrestling practice before i went over and still smelled after my shower),

the way i walked out of the apartment not more than 15 minutes later and sat in a chair in the lobby trying to comprehend what was going on and you and him came out, and picked me up, him under my arms and you at my feet;

the way i kept trying to kick you because i was so mad at you for leaving me after everything we went through together,

the way i came back to my brothers place the next day to see my very pregnant sister-in-law and was told that you gave them an ultimatum, me or you;

the way i told them to choose you because she's your sister and she needs you, our niece needs you, 

the way i was on the phone with one of your friends when you called him to tell him that the baby and your sister were okay,

the way he told me and i didnt hesitate to tell him to hang up on me and take your call so he would know what was going on and then call me back with the news,

the way he obliged without even realizing what had happened between us,

the way all i did was cry after he told me because i just wanted to see our niece and didn't care if that meant i ran into you in the process,

the way my mom-friend had to send me the pictures of our niece because i can't go see her because of the ultimatum from over 3 months ago,

the way i'm still respecting you and won't slander your name because that's not fair to you, regardless of what you did to me,

the way that when my mom-friend went over to see my brother and your sister and our niece, my brother asked her how i was doing with genuine curiosity and concern in his eyes and the look of relief he had when she said i was doing fine, (a complete lie), just so he wouldnt feel sh*tty about choosing you over me,

the way the pain you caused sits in my stomach and makes it to where i can't eat more than a thing of mcdonalds fries and a dr pepper, or a taco and a baja blast from taco bell, without throwing up,

the way i couldnt even really enjoy my 16th birthday because i was too busy making sure that i didnt think about how much pain i was in from not being able to spend it with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

thank you for giving me all these burdens that have strengthened my back and heart. thank you for giving me all these secrets that can never be spoken aloud or mentioned in anything more than passing.

thanks for helping me feel loss without anyone actually dying and for making it to where im incredible at supressing my feelings