They call me the smart kid. The kid with straight A’s. The kid who knows the answer. I try to hold on to the title. Try to hold it with hours of studying and long nights with my hands in my hair, clutching with frustration. When they call me the smart kid, I crumble. I make it look simple, walking into class and doing the work as if I've known it for years. I call it easy and drop my pencil, finished before some reach halfway. They come to me and ask for my help. They know I have the right answers.

They call me the smart kid. But that's not what I call myself. I tell myself that the 96 isn't good enough. I look at what I've done wrong and chastise myself. I shouldn't have missed that. I was just being careless. What do I have if I’m not the smart kid? The pressure from my peers is exhausting. They ask me, "what did you get?” Followed by the usual response, “how?! I did so bad.” However, my self-worth is burned when the response is different. “No way! I did better than you!” What makes people think I’m unaffected by their ignorant remarks about my failure? I blame myself for not doing better. Of course I should have gotten that question right. I shouldn't have missed that. I was just being careless. The pressure I feel when I'm constantly marked as a score to beat keeps me on the edge of anxiety.

They call me the smart kid. I wish they didn't know. I wish they would leave me alone. My parents, teachers, counselors, and friends all tell me my grades don't matter. But it does. It matters to me. That one question that gets thrown around in school like it holds no weight has a chokehold on me. “What did you get?” I confess, the pressure fostered many lies. 

They call me the smart kid. I don't know why. Can’t they see through my facade? Can’t they see how much I struggle? That essay matters more to me than a relaxing weekend. That test that's coming up next week dwells in my brain, whispering doubts in my mind. This is what it feels like to be the smart kid. But perhaps one day I can create a name for myself. Or perhaps I'm just the smart kid.