My major anxiety all started when I was in 7th grade and it has made me a really strong person and helped me get through a lot so far in life.  When I was at lunch and some students flipped the lunch table right by me and it freaked me out. I am not sure why that scared me so much but it did. So everyday after that for the rest of my 7th grade year I was way too nervous to come to school. I am pretty sure I missed a full 2 and a half months of school when this all happened.

 I would always tell my parents I couldn't do it and I would scream and cry I would never even try and fight then I got the nerve to try and fight it so I did. I wanted to feel better so bad but every time I tried to fight it I would get way too nervous and not wanna fight. So that is when I called my doctor to get some medicine to help me fight it and I got on the medicine and it made it a little better but not much. People were always thinking I was faking it all but I actually wasn't. I was feeling horrible. I wish it all never happened. But I realized that I am stronger now than I was before.

 Having anxiety is the worst and I know a lot of people don't like it. Anxiety would be very hard for someone who has never gone through it or seen someone go through it. If you want to make fun of someone for having anxiety you should really see what they are going through or figure out a way to help them get through it. So now let's get into how I really got through it. I 1 had a really good support team and had my family and friends all right by my side. I would get up every morning and my anxiety would be so bad I would never wanna try and go to school. There was a time that I got up and got ready to go to school and we got here and my anxiety would not let me out of the car. They had the school resource officer in the car trying to get me out and in the building and nothing would work.  I never thought I was going to get better.

 I was so afraid to leave the house. I was so depressed and I would do nothing when I was at home except for sleep. I have never felt this way before. My anxiety ended up getting so bad my friends started leaving me because I would never do anything with them and I would never talk to them. I was just keeping to myself. Once all my friends started leaving me is when I decided to do anything and everything to get better. People always thought I was faking it and I was just doing this for attention but I really wasnt i was really hurting and i didnt know what else to do. I was eventually able to get to school. I would get up everyday and there were a lot of days I left early but the only thing I was proud of was that I was trying and I wasn't giving up so quickly. Something my family always told me was you have to try if you wanna get better. You can’t give up. 

Some things that helped me get through all of this was. I would always try to be so positive. If I was negative I would get really mad at myself because I really wanted to feel better. Another thing that would really help me was something to fidget with in class like a stress ball or something like that. But the thing that really helped me the most was music. The song that really helped me the most was “Stronger by Kelly Clarkson”. That was my go to song every time I was having anxiety. I would definitely recommend getting a go to song for when you are having anxiety.

  Having anxiety is not fun, trust me I know. I went through it for about 1 year. One of the questions I get asked these days is if I could go through it again, what would I do differently? That's actually a very good question but I think my answer would be to not shut my friends out and let them help me and to actually fight and never give up. I would actually fight most days but there were some days that I would wake up and say I aint do it and just not even try and fight and i would let my anxiety win. But there was a Sunday that I went to church and I had a complete miracle.

  Now let me tell you how this all happened. So we showed up to church ok. We had to be there half an hour early because my dad is on the security team. But me and my mom were sitting there waiting for service to start. Once service started the first song they played was “ The battle is yours by Red rocks worship”. Once I finally heard that song I knew something was about to change. I was crying so hard I knew I wanted to fix my life. I went to the front of the room and just called out for Jesus. He finally came and saved me. I went to school on Monday and I felt amazing. I had no anxiety and I felt free again. I have never felt so good like that before. I was so free and so happy. I wanted to do anything and everything I could. I didnt wanna stay in my room anymore. I wanted to get out of the house and everything like that.

 I was so happy and felt good for about 1 month then my uncle died. Then it all went downhill from there. I was so sad and depressed from that point on. Then a few weeks later my grandpa died and I was so devastated. I had the biggest connection with my grandpa. A little back story on why my grandpa's death was so hard was because he had a stroke when my dad was a little boy. We would go up there every weekend to visit them and he was so nice and he would always tell funny stories about my dad. I was so sad when he died. When we went to his funeral you know how at the end they have you go up to them and say your final goodbyes well we did and my dad lost it. My aunt and cousins came and I couldn't even be in there with my dad. I had to go out there with my cousins and I broke down in both of their arms. I have never seen my dad hurt so bad.  It is always so hard for my family on his birthday or on fathers day. But we have all decided to help each other get through it and stuff like that.

 If one of us is struggling we are all surrounding that person helping them to get better. So we all eventually got through it. I have been so much better and been getting through it. Working on getting better with my anxiety has been very difficult. But if you really wanna know it would have been very easy if i wasn't so scared to fight it and get better. I would have loved to get better quicker than I did but every time I would start to fight and the battle would get hard I would give up. 

You know now the hardest thing is seeing my friend go through what I went through and not wanting to have any help. The story behind me and him is that we were friends then we went to homecoming together and then we started dating. We dated for almost 4 months. He broke up with me then got with my ex best friend. Now my ex best friend is playing him and it is so hard to see him struggling. He is having really bad depression and anxiety and it is so hard for me to see him struggling. My whole family is telling me not to worry about him and let him get through it on his own but you know I see something else in him than everyone else does. I can see the hurt in his eyes. I can see what he is going through and he has shut everyone out and it isn't healthy so I have decided I am going to be there for him to help him get through it. 

Sometimes he gets mad at me for trying to help him then he will apologize later for it because he knows he has nobody and needs help.  He has told me that he wants help, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. But i have told him if he really wants to get better he needs to get out of this toxic relationship. But he wont listen but it is ok because he will realize soon that i was right. 

But a little background story of mine and his relationship. It was good for the most part but there were times that he would hit me but it was just him playing and i didnt like it so I told him and he would always get mad when I stood up for myself. But I would always tell him how I felt. The thing that always hurt the most was he would always get so mad at me for standing up for myself. He would ignore me after I stood up for myself and stuff like that. I do miss him sometimes but I have also realized that I am better off without him because he has a lot he needs to work on. 

The nice thing about this failed relationship is that he showed me what I need to look for in my next relationship. As much as I wish me and him could have made things work, I am kinda glad we didn't. You know what? I have realized that I need to be respected and treated like a princess. It didn't really take me long to get over him because it was only a couple days after we broke up that he got with my ex best friend. It made me realize that the relationship didn’t mean as much to him as it did me if he could go and start dating someone else that soon after. 

But I have also started to realize that my anxiety and my depression has been starting to come back. So I have been eating right and going to the gym and doing stuff to where I don't have very much free time so I can't fall right back into my depression and anxiety stage. I have told myself that I don't wanna get back to being that person again so I have been doing anything and everything I can so I don't become that kind of person again. I know that it is gonna be hard to deal with all of this but I know I can do it. But it has actually been kinda easy to deal with all this because I have had  experience with dealing with something like this before. I don't wanna be dealing with this again but i have to I don't really have a choice to deal with it or not because I know I dont wanna become the person I was before so I am deciding to do everything I didn't do before now so I don't have to deal with it anymore. 

When I start to feel my anxiety or depression coming back I work as hard as I can to get it to stay away. Anxiety and depression is no joke. I had thoughts of running away with no phone, nothing, just some clothes and never coming back, leaving forever. But then I told my mom about it and she got me into counseling to help me to get through it because she was so scared that I was actually going to run away. My parents put locks on my windows so I couldn't get out and leave. They would not let me out of the house unless they were with me. 

Having anxiety has never been something that I have loved because my anxiety ended up getting so bad that I would throw up and I hated that it was never fun. It was always horrible. I thought most of the time I was dying. But before I finish all this about my story the one thing I am going to say is YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IF YOU WANT TO GET BETTER!!