Waking up on a dark morning at 8:30 a.m., waking up to the sound of rain hitting the roof and hearing the sound of high winds flying past my windows, and remembering that Cam was leaving for college soon. My emotions were matching the weather when I woke up. Sad and depressed with my eyes barely opened as I slowly drifted out of bed. I knew things would be different. After a bit we then started loading up the car in the shivering and cold weather as I decided I didn’t want to drop my brother off at college and get all of his things in his dorm room because it was a three hour drive.   

They are now starting to leave as I’m going around hugging my family and saying goodbye and I love you. As then, I get up to my brother, and tears are dripping down my face as I give him a tight hug and I say “I love you, I’m gonna miss you” as my eyes get more and more tender and more and more watery, and him now saying “it's gonna be okay buddy, I’m still here, but you won't see me as often. Just do what you love most. I love you too buddy”. I hugged him even tighter and tighter until I finally let go. They slowly get into the car. Vroom, Vroom! As I slowly hear the car turn on and slowly go as I’m staring through the windows looking at Cam until I finally lose sight of him as I don’t hear the car anymore. My Gramms comes to me and gives me the best hug ever asking if I wanted to play games with her. I instantly said, “I’m sorry Gramms, I’m not really in the mood.” After that I go upstairs with pain, fear, and a stream of tears going all over the place. 

After that, I started to get a headache with all these thoughts running in my head thinking how stupid I was because I didn’t go, and repeatedly thought that it was now just Chase and I. The four of us, my Mom, my Dad, Chase and I. I had many thoughts going around in my head at the time, like why is college a thing and why does he have to go and why when we were starting to bond more than we ever had? I thought college was stupid. After hours and hours that felt like days, and now more like years, I finally closed my eyes for hours on my comfortable bed that felt like I was sinking into it. 

Then when I woke up, I heard Cam in my head again and again saying “ do 

the things you love and I’m still here.” He wasn’t going to be here in this household anymore, but he is still here. Just knowing that, I knew I had to step up.  That’s when I then finally saw that he was really gone and he wasn’t living in the house anymore and things were going to change. Now I know I was going to have to be more, and be more energetic, and do chores, just do everything I can for the family with the oldest child being gone. Now I knew I had to stop worrying about him and move on with the pain and do what my parents needed me too. I knew that was what my brother wanted too. Soon after I went down the stairs with a smile on my face and played my Gramms in some card games for what felt like years until my parents and family got home.

Later on looking back now, my middle brother Chase went to college.  Both of my awesome brothers are in college now. I was devastated that the best brothers in the world both had to go to college and leave me. It hurt me even more though with Chase knowing that we had the best bond as brothers that not many families get to have and experience, however I didn’t have many tears inching down my face as much because I was older now. I was just mostly in shock, staring at the floor for hours. This time though, when Chase left for college. I will never forget these memories of my brothers leaving because they are major impacts in my life.  I actually went to drop him off this time and help him set up his dorm room, and it was a huge change. That little amount of time we spent with each other meant something to me and I’m glad I went. My face was lit up the whole time, but I was dripping a lot of sweat. The sweat was pouring down my body. Spending that little bit of time with him before he left was all I could ask for before I became an only child in the house. Later on I learned though that moving on is hard, but it's what they want. They want what the best is for you, and what you want to do. They are still here for us, but I mourn because they are not actually here next to me, always by my side those next four years, but know they want you to move on, and you should.