I was cleaning the bathroom as one does and found purple hair chalk from 2017. As a little girl this hair chalk was one of my favorite things. When I was younger I hated my brown hair. It was not like my mom or dad. At the time I didn't know my father's hair color as he thought going bald would make him look younger, because you cant have gray hair if you don't have hair. My mom had black hair but dyed it copper. It didn't help that all of the kids at my school had blonde or black hair. There were barely any people like me with frizzy brown hair. 

Now here in 2021 I stand in my bathroom feeling an urge to crush the power in it. As my  dig my nail into it felt as you would think dusty with a mix of grainy. I could see some of the chalk fly up. While crushing it some of the powder fell onto my white bathroom counter. Somewhere in my head a voice told me to stop but I couldn't stop (that's a lie i didn't want to). I didn't want to use my nails as I didn't want the purple powder under my nails. Mixing the conditioner in was easy and almost satisfying. Slowly the white turned to neon purple, soon I started to feel sorrow bubble up. With the sorrow along came a feeling of nostalgia, homesickness, and I think regret.

Starting to reminisce on my childhood, I could see where the beginning of the end started. In 5th grade my father told me he met someone else. My parents, fighting in the middle of the night while I was supposed to be asleep. In the morning they would smile and get me ready for school like normal. The friend group of six slowly split into groups of 2. People moving away meeting new friends. Move away from my father, and with my mom into an apartment away from where I grew up. 

 With the neon purple paste all over my hands I look up at myself in the mirror. Hands covered with violet conditioner I look like I killed a cartoon character. Here I stand in my bathroom with the blood of my childhood on my hands. I look myself in my eyes in the mirror as I start to rinse it off. I can see the neon purple paste run down the drain, It can't seem to get away fast enough. Even with it washed off I could still see my purple stain nails now knowing it's over. It's all over. I lay on my bed wondering what my life would be like if I was still filled with childhood innocence and nativity. 

opening my computer and I accidentally run my hand over a chip in the case. The case I had gotten with the computer 3 years ago has been well loved. It is now filled with scratches, cracks and now chips that cut your hands. With the laptop turning on it open to spotify. Going back to my playlist I found an old playlist with all my childhood songs on it but playing them I found myself skipping all the songs. The music is not to my taste anymore even though it raised me but for now I will skip the song. 

I open amazon to get the same computer case, trying to ignore that it's over, with the new computer case in my cart. I think back to my favorite toys and stuffies, i don't know where they are anymore. I don't know where anything is anymore. It's all over. 

Days pass by with that so do the seasons. Life starts to become a blur, I decorate my room with pictures of my parents wedding. As the summer cools down the relationship between my parents flared up. Almost like jenga when you get to the end everybody knows it is about to crumble under the weight and stress of the other blocks haphazardly put on top. 

I know I am not a little girl anymore whose only concern was if I had a good day at school. Now I lie in my bed thinking about my plans for who I want to be. Some people can say they dug their own grave but in some cases it was dug before them. Just like if parents die it affects the child. The child didn't do anything, if the parents f---ed up. The child has to pay for it, They have to fix it. It was the hand of cards the universe gave them and they can’t switch no matter what.