There are many big problems in the world with many different systems, but one of the most untrustworthy ones is the mental health system. From first-hand experience, seeking help and getting help are two very difficult things to do by themselves, but I can tell you that going through the experience I had will never make me seek help in that way again. The system is practically scaring people into not seeking the help that they need, and I’ll tell you why.

 Here’s my story. My parents had to take me to the ER for suicidal ideation (SI) and self-injurious behavior (SIB). I was very shocked and frantic about the situation, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me. The hospital workers put me in a room with a bed, pillow, and bathroom with only a toilet and a sink. They made me put on paper scrubs and sit in the room until people came in to tell me what was going to happen. A psychiatrist came in to evaluate me and told me I was going to need to go to a mental hospital. In the overwhelmed state I was in, all I could hear was that I was going to be taken away from my home and family. The rest was a blur and I had to spend a little over 48 hours in that hospital. My parents weren’t allowed to drive me to the hospital, so I was strapped down to a stretcher and put into an ambulance with my mother.

After a very emotional and stressful one-hour ambulance ride to the ward with my mom, the arrival at the mental hospital was tremendously unwelcoming and scary.They rolled me into the door on the stretcher and I hopped off terrified of what was going to happen to me. I had to wait in a room with a random lady for my parents to come in. As I zoned out, she explained to my parents what the place was going to be like, which much of everything she said was untruthful. That was the last time I would see my parents for the next eight days, which was an eternity. 

The staff took me to a room where they checked my body for scars, took my height, weight, and waist-length, then searched my bag. Strings, jeans (zippers), razors, hygiene products, and personal items would all be taken or cut. I was put into a room with 9 other kids in there. I was told to go sit down on the floor, as I was still in my hospital scrubs. I was in shock with tears in my eyes and was not cared for or even given any alone time to process things. 

Each day had the same schedule. “Group therapy,” downtime, bathrooms, and time to cope are some of the main problems. I don’t know if all hospitals are like this, but group therapy was around three breathing exercises and color for the rest of the time. It was not what I was told group therapy was. My expectation for group therapy was a safe place where I could open up about problems going on in my life and have my peers have understanding and relatability and vice versa. It was the exact opposite. I did not feel safe and was being mocked, ridiculed, and harrassed for what I was trying to open up about in front of the staff. 

My safety, privacy, and space were invaded by not only my peers, but the staff too. I did not feel safe in a place that was supposed to be a sanctuary. The staff would call me and my peers names and said things to us that are too sensitive for me to even type them. It took until I was getting physical threats for the staff members to even say anything to the people that were saying them. I was not separated or distanced from the people making the threats, and I was even roommates with one of them. 

The amount of downtime was redundant and boring. Around 5 hours of the day, I was sitting in a lounge. There were only three things that you could do, color, play cards, or watch something on the TV, which usually ended up in an argument between the other patients. The amount of downtime gave me no time to cope or be alone to process things, which is essential for dealing with mental health. Not being able to cope in a proper way being there was tormenting and was not making my situation any better. 

The bathrooms were gross and unsanitary. The stall doors were magnetic and could come off the walls completely, so people couldn't lock themselves in them. The mirrors were plastic and stained. The sink water was yellow and gunk was in the bottom of the sink. The showers are another problem. The shower water was so hot it gave me welts on my back, and you were only allowed ten-minute showers, which was very hard to do considering you had to press a button every thirty seconds for the shower to keep running. Because there were four showers right next to each other in a square shape, the privacy in the showers was nearly nonexistent. 

Although I was completely new to this, the people there expected me to know how everything worked. They didn’t explain anything to me, and I was in a constant state of confusion about what I was supposed to do. The staff were misunderstanding and would get very callous if you brought a problem or question to their attention.

The only thing I got out of this situation is getting out of the crisis. Yes, it physically helped me, but didn't help what needed help, which is my mental health. The amount of more problems, trust issues, trauma, and the need for help has increased a tremendous amount. The fact that what happened to me was supposed to help me is scary. I couldn't imagine being someone who had a worse situation than me and was expecting this system to help.

People say mental health is like physical health, you're not completely wrong, but you're definitely not right. Different things work for different people, and you can’t treat it like it's the same for everyone. It’s not a broken leg, and you can’t just put a cast on it. The brain is an organ, and mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ. Telling someone “You're not really sick, It’s all in your head.” is like telling someone with asthma “You’re fine, it’s all in your lungs.” The brain is an organ that can have an issue like any other organ. It’s like treating someone with a common cold the same way you treat someone with cancer; it doesn’t work.

Having a situation like this is very scary, but there are many different ways to seek help. Talk to a professional, trusted adult, or just a friend. Working on things is something very hard to do on your own, so seek help in another way. If someone isn’t listening, don’t be afraid to talk to someone else about things. Although going though this experience was awful, it is better than hurting yourself in any way. If you are having these feelings, just know that you are definitely not alone, and they won’t last forever. The experience that I had was “the bottom of the barrel” and it is not what happens instantly if you have these feelings. I didn’t know what to do in the beginning and let it get worse for months, so seeking help is something right to do. If you are having feelings like this, just know you are not only one. 

I am still working through things by having weekly therapy and talking to people I trust. Taking steps forward does come with taking steps back, and that’s totally okay! I’m working on accepting me for who I am and building who I am as a person. This situation does not define me, and things will get better.

Everyone has a different experience in the system, and what happened to me doesn’t happen to everyone. Yes, I know this experience sounds very overexaggerated, but I can assure you this is what truly happened, and that's the problem. People’s outside perception of the mental health system is very different from what it is. I only spent two days in the emergency room, but some people in the mental hospital I was at spent two weeks there. The wait for help and my experience in this particular hospital system is absolutely inhumane. I was treated as a subordinate person, another number, another chart, another problem, another patient; not a human. 

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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