Throughout my life, I have had many panic attacks. I always wonder where I got it from. My parents tend to be very calm, the opposite of me. The first panic attack I remember was when I was about 8 years old. Our teacher, Mrs. CB told us that we were going to Rome as a class trip. I don’t exactly remember what she said but I remember hearing the sentence, “If your behavior isn't right, you are not going to go.”  

My behavior was good, but I was still stressed out. The latest panic attack I had which was minor, was during a class we were moving too fast, and I couldn't keep up. So, my heart started beating faster than usually, I think that’s what caused my leg to shake, and my breath to shorten. If I feel my heartbeat if faster than usual, I get even more stressed out and then it beats even faster. I feel like I need to go to the hospital. 

A few years later, during quarantine, my anxiety started to worsen but in different ways. After about a year without traveling my dad told me that we were going to go to Dubai. At the time I didn’t think of the plane, my only thought was that we were going to travel. So, the days went by quickly because we were still in quarantine. When the day to go came, I was not very stressed out because I thought, my fear of planes had gone away or at least reduced. We went to the airport the next day and when it was time to board the plane, my pulse was starting to rise I felt it in my ears but, I tried to keep my cool. We went on the plane and as soon as I sat down, and I started to get flashbacks of past flights. My palms were starting to sweat. My breath was starting to shorten, but I kept it in me and tried to hide my feelings. I felt tension throughout my body until the plane reached the altitude it was supposed to reach.  

The adults ordered wine and started talking. One of my mom's friends used to fear planes so she came and sat next to me.

So did my dad, my dad explained to me what his friend who took the flight simulator said, “Turbulence just means that there are gaps in the air.”  

My mom’s friend told me, “Your dad helped me get over my fear of flying by reassuring me a thousand times that there was nothing to be afraid of because, it's impossible for the plane to fall because of turbulence. It can only fall if the plane is broken. Most of the famous airlines do Maintenace checks every year.”

I asked, “But then why do planes fall?”

My dad answered, “Because not every airline has enough money to do their maintenance checks, they cost over $750,000 every year so some lie about the checks.”

This reassured me a little bit, but I still was insecure in planes. We arrived in Dubai the next day. We had a lot of fun.  The days flew by so quickly, the hours were like seconds. I forgot that we were supposed to go back to Tirana. I didn’t even realize that the last day was the last day. At 9 o’clock we heard a knock at our door,  

“Girls, are you ready? Are your luggage's packed?” Said my friend's mom.  

We were just waking up, but we lied and said yes. She continued and went to eat breakfast. Me and Hana got up, got dressed and directly packed our bags and got went to reception. We got in the car and went to the airport. Before I knew it, we were in a plane again. I was having a conversation with my friend, so I wasn’t scared. 

When I heard the pilot speaking, I then realized that I was on a plane, and I started to panic. I made the mistake of asking the flight attendant if there was going to be any turbulence. She said that it was going to be bouncy right after takeoff. That’s where I couldn’t hold it in. I was about to cry from my fear.

My mom came and told me, “We are going to be fine. Breath in and out.”  

I tried to listen to her, but I was lost, thinking of the different possibilities that could happen. I held on to the seat with all my force while the plane was taking off. I couldn’t breathe, my heart was pumping enough blood to cover the Pentagon. There were a million different scenarios in my head playing at the same time. I couldn’t think straight I couldn’t understand what other people were saying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die right there. When I heard the ringer that we could remove our seatbelts I was relived. 

Throughout the rest of the flight, I was calmer, I started to talk with my friends and family and before I knew it, I saw that we were about to land in Tirana. The weather was very clear, I could see the runway from the plane. When I heard the wheels hitting the ground my face changed direction. Anxiety and fear are two things that force people to miss out of fun activities. As a society we all need to find a way to conquer it. When I think about it know I realize that I was scared and anxious for no reason. I am still scared of planes now, but you can’t compare it with how it used to be.