Embracing My Identity

        I came from a school called Ted Lenart Regional Gifted center where odd, weird, and strange were seen as compliments. If there was something unique about you, it was spotlighted— you became known for it. It’s been 3 years and I still remember that Kelsey was obsessed with DC comics, Sarah could recite 157 digits of pi, and Lizzie began learning pre calculus before we’d graduated middle school. But high school was different. Everyone wanted to be like everyone else.

        Before entering my freshman year, I woke up everyday with the goal of expressing myself in as many ways and as much as possible. I experimented with outfits which made me known as being the most fashionable in the class. At least once a week, I brought enough baked goods to school to share with everyone ,because I loved baking and thrived when others acknowledged it. But in high school, there was no time for these activities.

         I suppressed my self expression by abandoning these seemingly insignificant practices. There were no longer characteristics that distinguished me from others and made me feel special, not only to others, but to myself. This is when my self confidence began to dwindle. Consequently, with that came social anxiety.  

         My mother never picked me up from school on time and there were two places I could wait for her: the ARC and the Caf. The ARC is what we called the library and the Caf was more than a lunchroom, it was an instant trigger for my anxiety. There were so many people in there all of the time which made me think that I was bound to find someone I knew. No. I saw groups of 7 or eight gathered in circles talking amongst themselves. I observed them from a distance in wonderment, not understanding how these people became friends so soon, like there was a secret meeting I wasn’t a part of. Then, I would spot a ‘friend’ that I’d met in class only to make eye contact and break it shortly after to resume speaking with their friends. After a few moments would pass by, I eventually noticed that I was standing in the middle of the Caf by myself— panic. Everyone stared in wonderment as to why I was standing there alone. I made my way to the ARC.

        When you abandon who you are because you are ashamed, you have no choice but to try to be like someone else. I was no good at that. I spent my whole life, going out of my way to be different. I wasn’t good at trying to be like everyone else. Therefore, at the end of freshman year, I decided to try being myself because I had nothing to lose at this point.

       I began doing things that made me happy and stopped worrying about the opinions of the others. This was when I began to build friendships because once I was able to love who I was, others did too.  When I stopped putting energy into trying to fit in, I realized that I was much better off being me.