My morning was going as well as it could have been, probably. I woke up after a long 6 hours of sleep and earlier than I needed to, but once I’m up - I’m up. I would have woken up my mom or anyone else in my house had this not been my third time taking the ACT, but at this point I was over it. I let them sleep. 

I text Ashley that I’m on the way, and head down the usual carpool route. After a minor detouring due to my autopiloting (probably caused by that great sleep I got), I made it to her house. As we sped off to the Starbucks we would always go to in the morning, I listened as she described how nervous she was and unprepared. I agreed, unprepared I was, but however there were no nerves present in my mind. I was over it, it’s just a test that I’ve taken twice before. 

After a quick run into the Starbucks inside Jewel, I returned with my refresher, breakfast sandwich, and sweet potato chips for the break and hopped back into the car. We started to actually approach Marist now, but the nerves that usually creep up along this road weren't there today. It’s just a test. 

I park my car, take my food and (prohibited) drink, and head into the main office. Ashley and I walk up to the theater and scan the lists to see what classes we would be in. After wishing each other luck, we part ways and head to our classes. I walk all the way to the end of the english hall, my least favorite. But I’m not phased, it’s just a test. 

As I head in, I’m one of the last people to arrive and scan the room for the first open desk. It’s in the front row, right in the center, which is not a seat I’d usually take, but I don’t want to even risk making eye contact with anyone to find another. I sit down and keep my head down. It’s just a test. 

The first two sections surprising fly by and before I know it it’s time for the break. I get up and walk to the bathroom just to stretch and move around. When I return to the class I plop back into my seat and open up my sweet potato chips. I keep my head forward, which is uncommon for me, but I don’t feel like exerting any more energy or brain power than I have to. 

I quickly came to realize that this was my fatal mistake all along. Had I have picked up my head, I would’ve seen two sections ago that seated next to me was the last person I’d ever thought I would see. Maybe it’s because I hadn’t seen him in over a year, when I confronted him about what he had done a year prior to that. Maybe it’s because I thought he would never have the audacity to come to my high school to take the ACT after what he had done. Maybe because this whole time I thought it was just a test. 

Because I never lifted my head I didn’t know for certain that it was him. My mind was racing but my body was glued to my seat. I couldn't directly look up across the row for two reasons: Not only did my body physically prevent my head from moving, but also What would I do if he was looking back? My eyes and neck strained as far left as they could towards his desk without making it obvious that I was looking at his test to see his name. When that didn’t work I decided on standing up to throw out my chips and somewhat obviously look at his desk and there it is. The same handwriting I saw 5 days a week, 9 months a year, for the first 8 years of my life; his name sits in the box just as my throat sits in my stomach. The next thing I know my chips are in the trash can and I’m walking through the hallway I hate realizing I have to spend another 2 hours next to the only person hate. 

Why is he here? He has no reason to be here. He doesn’t even live close to here. Why didn’t I look up when I sat down. If I wouldn’t just looked up when I sat down. Or at the other names on the list. Oh my god I’m taking the writing section. Why did I take the writing section? 2.5 hours next to him? This is a joke right? This is all some sort of cruel joke. There’s no way we’re not living in a simulation. There’s no way this is real. Oh god there’s only a few minutes left in the break. 

These thoughts race my mind but the most prominent one just sits there, everywhere. What do I do? More so, What can I do? I wonder if Mr. G. is here. He probably is. I could go tell him, but what would I say?

“Heeeeeeey Mr. G. it’s me. So funny story I accidentally sat next to my sexual assailant cause I didn’t realize he was sitting there cause I didn’t look up when I walked into the room.” Wait he wasn’t there at the registration desk this is the ACT the deans probably aren’t here. I could go tell them but they don’t know me. And if I have to change my room that will be uncomfortable. And I’ll probably start crying explaining and choke up and okay maybe I shouldn’t do that. I could tell the teacher who’s proctoring but I’m sitting in the front row so that won’t be discreet and neither will changing my seat. I could just go home I think? But I’m already halfway through and I would have done all of english and math for nothing. I wish I could text my mom. 

I splash my face with cold water once I realize I’m in the bathroom. I don’t recall walking here but to be fair I was a bit preoccupied. Break is almost over, everyone’s probably back already. With no idea of what to do still I walk back to the classroom and sit in the seat I now detest. I don’t look up and nor will I. It’s just a test. It’s about me and the test. 

The rest of the test I keep my head down and focus on answering the questions in front of me. It’s easier to focus once I start and keep going. I get back into my ACT taking mode and act like it’s a game — a scavenger hunt. Look at what they’re asking and find the answer. It gets easier as I go because with each question I’m one step closer to going home. 

Before I know it the actual test is over and I’m filling out the survey questions about the ACT. Thank god, it’s over. Not yet, but it basically is. As soon as I hear the words “You’re free to go” I’m out the door and turning the phone on so I can tell my mom everything but then I realize I’ll say it all at home. I get in my car and take the most relieving deep breath I’ve taken in a long time. That was probably the hardest thing I’ve done in like, ever. But I did it. 

Two weeks pass and I’m able to look at my score on the ACT website. I remind myself that whatever I got is because of the circumstances and it’s okay if I didn’t do as well as I hoped. Then I see the number 34 and my face lights up. None of that mattered, it was just a test. And I’m pretty good at tests.