Passed out drunk in my passengers seat, I wiped the tears from my eyes as we approached the two trees just before his driveway. Twelve thirty in the morning, curfew at one, thirty minute drive home. I didn’t care. This specific stormy April night, raindrops continuously tapped on my rusty sebring’s roof. My windshield wipers moving faster than a group of teenagers running from a party that just got busted. Current Joys played softly in the background. I shook him awake. Startled he woke up and realized he was home. He leaned in for a kiss goodbye, I hesitated, but I didn’t say anything. I never did. He stumbled out of the car into the pouring rain. I watch him, but he didn’t turn around. I mumbled under my breath "I love you", knowing I would never be able to tell him. 

I wait for him to get inside, and I drive away. As soon as I realize he’s gone, the tears pour out of my eyes. Every night this happened. I couldn’t control it and the worst part was that no one ever knew. Screaming at myself in pain and anger I wondered why I let people control me. Why I let him control me. Why I could never be free. In the moment I always thought to myself that I was happy; but, as soon as I would drive away, out came the pain. 

I told no one. Myself, the type of person who’s there for everyone else, but never themselves. I hid my constant anxiety through making sure everyone else was doing their best, while my mental thoughts were dragging me down, constantly. Dragging me down so much that it felt as if I were being stabbed in the stomach thousands of times. I told no one. 

I am now free. Not by choice and not my decision, but the best thing that has ever happened to me. I could finally tell people the truth and no longer be afraid. He hurt me when I thought I couldn’t be hurt anymore. My mind so manipulated and magled with I no longer knew who I was. Imagine not knowing your own self anymore. Friends and peers never saw the truth, as they thought we were as happy as could be. A perfect relationship, in his eyes perhaps but never my own. 

But atlast I am free. No more crying as I pull into those two trees before his driveway, wondering if he even cares. I can now focus on myself and slowly get to know myself again. Lessons have been learned and amazing people have been met. I can finally be happy once again.