The Ivory Keys

Held at Baylor’s Glennis McCrary Music Building in Waco, I received the opportunity to play in a state piano MTNA (Music Teachers National Association) competition. My teacher asked me months before if I was interested in a piano competition. As someone who has never done a state competition, my heart leaped when I heard this, I automatically wanted to say no. He told me what songs I would have to arrange and I was instantly nervous to play. He said this would be a challenge and it would be good for me to “Get my feet wet” playing in front of judges and receiving feedback about the individual piece and my overall execution. I thought about it for many weeks and one day decided I should just go for it. In my next practice session, I was told all about how I needed to have my pieces memorized and how early I had to get there because I was the first to perform, immediately regretting my idea to “Just go for it.” I didn’t feel comfortable playing without music especially since I hadn’t finished the songs and had limited time too in the next months. I prepared my pieces and felt a change in how I trained, being more focused on dynamics, individual melodies sounding out and the correct rhythms. 

Saturday, October 27, 2018, the day before my performance, I remember leaving our house late afternoon to drive to Waco stopping by the University to see where I would perform and where we would park. I couldn’t get the image of looking through those doors to the grand piano in the middle of that light wooden stage out of my mind. I couldn’t look away without feeling anxious and overwhelm telling my mom, “I’m so nervous, I don’t know if I can do this.” She reminded me that it’s not the end of the world if something happens and I shouldn’t be nervous, I’ve done recitals in the past before that was more challenging than this. When she said this I told myself I can do it but my mind warped the idea that this was a high-level competition at a state level and perceived I had to fit a certain standard. We later spent the night in a hotel attempting to calm myself down by coloring, knowing my hands had a mind of their own keeping the thought of the next day out of my head.

 The vivid reflection of my white dress and black boots that cold gloomy morning made me nervous to wake up and wrap my mind around playing the ivory keys that waited for me just an hour away. It was too early to tell if it was morning or night with the bright sunrise unrevealing. I didn’t eat anything beforehand and felt exhausted, not getting any sleep the night since. 

I walked into the music building nervous and excited at the same time. My hands were still shaking as I walked in through the glass doors. There was one other musician there before me, playing the flute with such grace as I found my way upstairs into the practice rooms lining the halls. I walked in and sat on the cushioned chair seeing my reflection in the mirror beside me warming up my fingers seeing where I have gotten myself. From that four-year-old just starting to learn piano to a competitor in a state competition presenting advanced pieces to professional judges. As I played I kept telling myself that I could do this and nothing would stop me, not knowing what was to come. 

My teacher walked in and asked, “Are you ready?” 

At this moment my heart skipped a beat and I immediately doubted myself. I felt nauseous and unprepared, telling him, “I feel like I’m going to forget where I’m at and not be able to keep going.” He reminded me that I know the music and I’ve played it hundreds of times, just relax and know where you’re at in the song. Then the time came, I walked out of the practice room and went downstairs sitting on the bench just outside the doors I looked through the day before. Turns out I was really early and the judges weren’t there yet. One by one I watched them come in, just waiting to be called in at any moment. There were three judges each one just as formal as the other, each one coming in making the clock move faster as if it wanted me to go in. Once all three were in the performance room I was told by the supervisor to hand her my pieces of music and give them a minute to set up. She explained that we wouldn’t be able to record the show, and at that point, I knew my time was coming. Each second that ticked, I felt the walls closing in until I was called by the supervisor to go ahead and walk inside and listen to the directions from the judges. Just the day before, I was so nervous to look through those doors now on October 28, 2018, I walked through them and down those steps onto the stage with the light wood floors and now sitting in front of that grand piano waiting for the judges to give me direction. I sat there subconsciously in front of the piano looking at is as if it were a foreign language I’ve never seen before. I looked to see where my parents and teacher were and they sat just below the judges to the right watching me, I looked to the left and saw the three judges I so closely watched in the waiting hall writing something down on their papers. One of the judges looked up as if I was supposed to be doing something and said: “You can start warming up.” If you’ve ever been to some competition, you know the feeling when you completely blank on something and forget how to do it. Well, that was me, and I sat there for a couple of seconds wondering what to do. I knew I couldn’t play the songs themselves to warm up and I started to shake as my hands went on the keys hovering just above them. I pressed the ivory keys and started to play a scale, the same judge told me “whenever you're ready you let us know.” I pretended I knew what I was doing at the time, giving myself another two minutes to build up the strength to tell them I was ready. Then the worst thing happened. One of the judges asked me what song I wanted to play first, I was still in that mindset of completely blanking out when someone talked to me so I casually said: “The Prelude” they nodded and said, “Okay, whenever you're ready.” One thing to note is there is a certain order to the three songs I was playing. By me saying Prelude meant I would be playing the third song in the order when I should have been playing the first which was also a Prelude, but my hands again, have a mind of their own. I placed my fingers on the keys, took a deep breath and just started playing. This song was the fastest and the hardest, so you can imagine why starting with this was a mistake. The other songs were supposed to be warmups to the “finale” but as you can tell I was too nervous to even realize what was happening as my hands were racing from one end of the piano to the other. As I came to the end of the first song I took a deep breath concurring the most difficult song knowing I would be playing the pieces in the wrong order. I continued note by note and didn’t think about the error I made or what will happen next. I was in the moment and focused on what was at hand lifting my fingers off the keys as I finished the last song. 

During this whole process, I was tense and shaking but I pushed myself to finish with a good note even if I made a few mistakes. As I walked off the light wood stage, up those steps I just came down and out those doors, I was happy with myself knowing I did something that challenged me and pushed me to try something new I've never done before. I was congratulated by my family and teacher who supported me throughout my whole piano career and put myself out there to try something I was scared to do, receiving feedback from the judges knowing I did my best.