Shit happens

What was I supposed to feel? Everybody kept saying: ¨I'm so sorry.¨ ¨How do you feel?¨ ¨Oh my gosh are you okay?¨ but what the hell are you supposed to tell someone when you honestly feel a little relieved and you feel no sense of sadness. 

My dad tried to leave my mom multiple times while simultaneously trying to control her. He often gave her ultimatums like she had to stop being friends with her best friend in order for him to stay. ¨I should be the most important person in your life, she's not good enough for you¨ ¨What, why, no!¨ Later my dad would tell her again and she had to choose him or Veronica, so then she chose him. From the start, my parents should not have stayed together, but they did. 

When my brother and I were young we moved into one house altogether, before we usually just lived in apartments or with family or friends. Living with other people was a lot better because my dad has always liked to keep a positive image for himself, so when we lived with other people he wouldn't act differently. But as soon as we would get home he would be mad again. He was like a light switch, ¨on¨/ happy when in public or around people in general but then really quickly he would turn ¨off¨ and become angry and yell and the smallest thing would make him mad.  

My brother and I had already known that my mom wanted to divorce y dad and that it was gonna happen but we never got the full confirmation from her. So when she told us it's not like we were shocked cause we already knew. My brother was obviously okay with it, if you just looked at him you could tell you wouldn't even have to ask. Me, honestly I know it's my feelings but I really don't remember, I really didn't care, like I just didn't know how to feel, even though I knew it was happening didn't mean I knew how to feel. 

One night my brother and my cousin were doing some illegal things and he started telling him his feelings. Later after they were sober my cousin saw his mom at some point and he told her EVERYTHING my brother had said and then my aunt told my dad. When all this information came to my dad, and he had found out that we were scared of him and we didn't want him in the house anymore. After that, my dad wanted to start asking all these questions but my brother never went with him on our dad's days. He would make all these excuses, like he had ¨work¨ and my mom didn’t make him go, but she did make me go which was really unfair because instead of my dad asking both of us questions, my brother wasn't there, therefore, I was the only one who got questioned and it always felt like an interrogation. 

When my mom wasn't making my brother go and she just made me go it really felt like she was only thinking about my brother and she was letting him do whatever he wanted and not having to face my dad but to my disadvantage I had to go every week and yes, maybe sometimes my brother would be at work but other times he was just with his friends bull shiting around. I really didn't understand why my mom was protecting him and not me, I really hated her for it and so I wasn't doing great with either of my parents so I really felt alone.

Weeks went by and my mom still wasn’t making my brother go. It was still just me, but since my dad had stopped asking questions we had actually started to fix our relationship. I can actually talk to him about things and I'm not worried if he will get mad, I still do get a little nervous but everything will work out somehow, 

The fighting all started before my brother and I were even born. Both of my parents didn't love themselves when they were together, I always hear people say ¨you have to love yourself before you love someone else¨ honestly I don't believe it but they didn't and it didn't work for them. My mom wanted to ¨fix¨ my dad and help him be better but you can't fix what you did not create. All she wanted was to feel loved and feel accepted, I mean who doesn't? However,  trying to keep my dad was not the thing to do. She didn't know that her trying to fix him would cause her so much pain and would later cause her two kids' pain. Everyone always wants their family to stay together but if it's really not for the best its good to let it go. 

Nobody ever expects for your family to split up but sometimes shit happens and life's not fair, but everything will all be okay in the end.