As we grow up we often look back at how much we’ve changed from our past selves. I am an extremely different person than who I was in the past, and I am proud of that, but sometimes it’s good to look back at who I used to be. This change is especially apparent when I think back on my elementary school self. To put it shortly, I was a very strange kid.

Now let me clarify, when I call myself strange I don’t mean it in a mean way. Even though I don’t agree with or like a lot of the things I used to do, I also know that I was just a confused little kid dealing with a lot of stuff. I wasn’t perfect then, and I'm not perfect now either. This essay is a homage to how I’ve grown since elementary school—not an excuse to be cruel about the past. That being said, I also realize that a lot of the weird stuff I used to do was pretty goofy, so don’t feel bad if you think it’s funny.

So, what exactly was I doing in elementary school? Well, I had joined a new school for 4th and 5th grade and I didn’t know anyone. What was the best solution to this isolation? Well, to make a huge spectacle of myself of course. Crowds would gather as I displayed grotesque talents and the strength of my stomach. I would eat the most disgusting things I could think of, I would draw bloody corpses and tortured bodies; I would threaten to kill my classmates (much to their delight); I would spit my own blood onto the ground, and so much more. I somehow managed to toe the line of being so weird people found me funny and being so intimidating that no one bullied me. 

My classmates found this delightful, and I was more than happy to be their source of entertainment. I didn’t understand that I was digging myself into a hole. You see, when kids saw me act this way, that’s what they started to expect from me. It didn’t matter if I was tired or having a bad day, I was Suzannah and I was supposed to be gross and funny. I couldn’t get through a single lunch without being offered something repulsive to eat, I couldn’t have one recess without kids wanting to hit me or scratch me to see if I’d flinch, and I couldn’t bring myself to say no. The attention I craved so badly now felt overwhelming, I felt trapped and isolated. I was so obsessed with keeping up my act that I never really connected with anyone.

Fortunately, middle school was coming up. I felt like I suddenly had a chance to start over: to be the true me. The problem was, I had spent so long playing a part that I had forgotten what being ME really meant. I didn’t know how to talk to people or make friends without acting wacky and extreme, but as I progressed throughout middle school I started to slowly realize something very important. People liked me, even when I wasn’t trying to make them like me, and that was revolutionary.

Even when I wasn’t talking about death and gore in class, kids wanted to talk to me. Even though I wasn’t eating some disgusting amalgamation of whatever happened to be on the cafeteria floor, kids still wanted to sit with me at lunch. I didn’t even chase people around trying to stab them, and they still wanted to hang out with me! When I stopped focusing on trying to impress people and started to focus on getting to know them, I ended up making the best friends that I've EVER had.

Now to bring up what I said before, I'm still not perfect! I still have some of the habits I had in elementary school, but the difference is that I know now I don’t need them for people to like me. Real friends like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. As cheesy as it sounds, being yourself is awesome! It can feel scary to put yourself out there, but I promise no one is judging you. Take my advice and don’t waste time lying to yourself, just act honestly! I promise, it’s worth it in the end.