Have you ever been so heartbroken that you feel like there is no way you could ever feel better? I’m a rational person but he made me irrational. I’m a grounded person but he made me feel like I was flying. When I was in seventh grade, I auditioned for the musical. To my surprise I got in. I walked into the cafeteria for our first day of rehearsal and I see this tall boy who was beautiful, and when I say beautiful I mean God took his time sculpting this boys face. We made eye contact and when he realized my face was unfamiliar, he walked over and introduced himself. He held out his hand for me to shake it and I just looked at it. Why is this 8th grader who is the lead in the musical shaking my hand? No middle schooler shakes hands. He’s gotta be a serial killer or an alien or something because this isn’t normal. I shake his hand and he invites me to sit next to him during rehearsal. I was in love.

 Throughout the year we got extremely close, we were like two peas in a pod. I saw how the other girls gawked over him and every boy wanted to be him. That made me not want to have a crush on him so it soon disappeared. I ended up seeing him as a brother. 

He left for high school and I didn't see him for a whole year. When I got to high school I joined the theatre department. And he was in the varsity class. We were in shows together all year but our relationship wasn’t the same. On the rare occasions he would say hi to me, it was as if I was a new person to him. It’s as if the hours we spent together in middle school didn’t matter to him. I got bitter. I would think to myself, “He thinks he’s too cool for me now.” “High school changed him.” I had no idea. 

Sophomore year came and one night some kids got together and swam at my friend's house after a show. Having been a part of the department for a year now I was close friends with everyone except for him. So I made it my mission to go up and talk to him that night. Once I gathered up enough courage, I sat next to him. We talked for a little bit and he complimented me on my performance in the show. My heart fluttered. 

“Oh no” I thought to myself, the stupid crush was back. I mentioned a memory from middle school and he gave a soft smile, but his eyes said something was wrong. He then confessed that he didn’t remember it. I thought my assumptions were confirmed, he was a shallow boy who I didn’t mean anything to. But then he got serious for a second. 

    “You know how I used to play football?” He asked. Of course I knew, I was one of the only ones who knew how he actually felt about football. How he felt pressured because his dad played in college, but in his heart he wanted to be an actor. “Well freshman year, I got a really bad concussion. I can't remember anything from age 8 to 13 unless someone shows me a picture.” Everything began to make sense. 

    “So you don’t remember me?” I asked, nervous to hear the answer. He shook his head apologetically. “Well you and I were really close.” And then he looked at me and everything around us just stopped. It was a look no boy had ever given me before.

    “Well then lets get close again.” He said looking into my eyes. I smiled and nodded my head. My heart was racing. We spent the rest of the night together.

After a few weeks he asked me out on a date. We drove around town in his silver Jeep, blasted music, and ate jersey mikes. That was one of the best days of my life. After two more dates he asked me to be his girlfriend. After a month of dating we said our first “I love you”. And we did. Despite everything, I still to this day believe we did. We did everything and went everywhere together. He was my best friend. Those three words constantly flowed out of our mouths for the next six months. And it meant more every time it was said. 

    He would always say, “It's us against the world A.” And it was. Until it wasn’t. 

 I remember our first fight so vividly, I found out the hard way that he was getting drunk and then having girls sleep in his bed. I trusted him with my whole heart. I cried, we yelled, he said he would never do it again. And I believed him. I thought he was worth giving it another chance. I felt secure after we made up but that only lasted for a little. He started manipulating me into doing things he wanted. He was so successful his whole life and no one ever told him no, except for me. He didn’t like that. When I wasn’t comfortable with something or if I didn’t want to do something that he wanted he would completely shut me out. If we were in public or with friends and I would say no, he would make extra funny jokes and be extra loud and kind to everyone else, making sure no one was paying any attention to me. If we were in private, he wouldn’t talk or look at me until I caved in. I was mentally beaten into submission. I began to hate myself and everything around me. The world turned grey and slow. I was his pitiful puppet. On top of that, he never stopped having drunk girls in his house, he never cared to tell me. He knew I knew, but pretended like he had no idea why I would spend my weekends drowning myself in my own tears. I was screaming at him but I was barely making a sound. The worst part is that I stayed with him for another six months. I was brainwashed into thinking that not calling him mine was worse than what I went through on a daily basis. I didn’t stop thinking this until a month after we broke up. 

    The day after Christmas he did the kindest thing he had done for me in the past six months. He broke up with me. At the time I was completely lost, I thought there was no way I would be able to see him every day in class without wanting to tell him I loved him. I thought there was no way I would be able to adapt to him not having dinner with my family every night or not waking up to a goodmorning text saying “I hope your day is as great as you A.” I thought it was us against the world. But I lost all of that way before we broke up. I lost that the first time he let another girl rest her head on his pillow. I was holding onto a relationship that we no longer had.

  It took a while but I slowly started to miss him less. I slowly cried less. I began to feel like myself again. The world was vibrant and the chains holding me down had withered away. He no longer took up my whole head. Although he still took up my heart. My beat up, weak heart grew bigger and made room for the more important people in my life. For a while I hated him. I didn’t want him in my heart, but after some space apart we became friends again. Slowly, the love I had for him changed. I loved him like one loves a nostalgic song that reminds them of good times. We grew closer and our relationship was the best it had been in months. It was different but it was better.

The first time we said “I love you” after we broke up was towards the end of the school year. He was going off to college soon. We were talking about nothing that meant something to us and in the middle of the conversation he stops, looks at me, and gives me a completely different look than that night at the party. 

    “I love you A.” It sounded so different, but still just as good as the first time. I smiled and said it back. It felt different too, but just as true. My heart was finally at peace.

So if the answer is yes and you have been so heartbroken that you feel you’ll never get through it and there’s no way out of the pain, I want you to know that with patience and forgiveness you can get out of it too. You’ll not only survive, you’ll grow and come out a stronger person in the end. It may seem bleak and impossible right now but time heals all wounds. Take it from me.