Guessing. It’s something that everyone does. What does it mean exactly though? This is what I found. Guessing is an “estimate or supposes without sufficient information to be sure of being correct.” It’s okay to guess...sometimes. Doctors don’t like to guess though. They like to know what a patient’s condition is. That way, they can know an estimate of how long they may need to be in the hospital. They know what medication and treatment are going to work, and what is not going to work. It’s stressful for the doctors when they don’t know what the patient’s condition is; or why the patient keeps on having seizures. So they do everything they can to figure out what it is. So you don’t have to keep bringing your friend/sister/daughter back to the hospital.

Getting texts from my friend; it’s normal. I never know what it’s going to be till I open it. I smile at the notification when it comes through. Just because we haven’t talked in a while. I decide to go ahead and open it. I reach for my phone on the charger. It’s just out of reach because I’m doing my homework, but when I grasp it,  I turn it on and look at the bright screen. I turn off the music and open my messages. I hover my finger over her name. I click her name and the app takes me to our chat. I start to read the message. My smile disappears and my heart drops. It starts to beat faster and faster. I have this nasty cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I read over the message another time. Just to make sure I was reading it right. I read She’s back in the hospital.   

I slowly click on the message box to text her back. I begin to type, but my fingers just don’t want to move. It takes a few tries to get my message typed. I read it over again. Even though it’s such a simple text, I want to make sure it’s right before I send it. I read, What happened…?

My phone is clutched in my hands. My hands are sweaty and shaking. I stare at my screen. Waiting for the three dots to pop up on my screen. Telling me that she is texting back. It feels like hours before the message comes through. The time is the reason for it. It has stopped. Not just stop, but froze; just so I can read the message. My eyes start to go blurry from the puddles of water that have started to form in my eyes. I stand up from sitting on my bed. I walk slowly over to the chair in my room. I grab for the familiar object that I have had for years. A washed out blue blanket. The comforter for my crib. I bring it up to my chest. Cuddling it. My phone still in my hand, and now my blanket. I walk back to my bed. I read She had a seizure at school.   

My world around me has ended at this point. It’s just me, my phone, my blanket and my friend on the other side of the phone. I now lay on my bed. Cuddle up in a little ball, with my knees tucked into my chest and my arms close to my body. Both hands are on the phone. My figures start to move by themselves. They type, Do the doctors know why? I hit send. I wait; wait until I see those three dots again. It’s the only thing that matters to me now. Not what’s going on upstairs, not what’s going on with my other friends, not what’s going on with the world. I want to know, I want to know more about what happened. I want to know why. That is all that goes through my mind. The thoughts twisting, twirling, and spinning in my brain. Not settling down for a second. The next message pops up with a bing. I read They think it’s from the medication they had her on. But it was a really slim chance to happen in the first place.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words left. I still have to text back though. I just want to know that she will be okay. The only thing that my fingers can manage to text back is, OMG. Those three letters. They say a lot. They may be used all the time, but they can be powerful. The three dots pop back up. All I do is wait. Wait for what she has to say next. Waiting for more bad news that is to come. I wait for my world to stop turning. I don’t see the next message pop up. I can only focus on the ceiling in my room. I lay on my back. Nothing going through my head. I just want to be there. Be with them, but I can’t. I’m here and they are there. I pick up my phone to check if she texted back. I see her name on my lock screen. I open my phone and read, Yeah, she’s been having a few ever since school. Now she’s on life support. She’s having trouble breathing because of the seizures.

The puddles in my eyes overflow now. I roll over to my side. Holding my phone and that blanket close to me. A stream falls down the side of my face. Everything has just come crashing down. It’s the end. That’s all I can think about. That I’m never going to see her again. That last summer was my last. I still have to text back though. I know that it’s much worse for them. I know her sister, the one I am talking to, her mom and her dad are there. But, they are the ones watching her lay in that hospital bed. They are the ones watching a machine breath for her. They are the ones watching. I manage to text back, Are you serious…

My mind is cavernous now. Empty and dark. I stay laying in my bed. Holding my blanket and my phone because it’s the only thing that can give me comfort. I wait like that for her sister to text me back. This time, the message comes quick. I read I have to go, she’s having another seizure.

That’s all I got. The information that I was craving is gone. Her sister was telling me what was going on, but now she is gone. Praying for her younger sister. I slowly turn over onto my other side. My body drags out of bed. I have exhausted my tears, so I wipe my eyes before I go upstairs. My feet drag on the floor as I walk. They feel so heavy to lift up. I walk up the stairs. One step at a time. I make it to the top, but I still have to walk to the couch where my mother is sitting. In her usual spot. With a book in her hand. I tell her what has happened, and what I was left off with. We don’t say much to each other. We can’t speak. I walk back to my room. I lay there as sleep takes over me. It’s not till the next day that I get another text. She had seizures throughout that night. We were all scared. So I prayed, I prayed to God to keep her safe. To help her family get through this. To help her pull through and be okay. That’s all I could do for them. I couldn’t go there, I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t talk to her. All I did was pray, because knowing that one of my best friends was getting help from a machine to breathe, I couldn’t stand it.

The doctors still don’t know the cause for her seizures. So right now, they are guessing. Guessing on what to do. All they can really do is, handle what is in front of them. That is all her family and my family can count on. It will definitely take time to get the right information. Praying is all we can do for now. Pray and hope that the doctors figure this out, pray for the doctors to do their best. This is all that we can do.