Excitement

Hopefulness

Anticipation

Disappointment

Betrayal

This was the never ending, on going spiral of my life that seemed to drown me further and further into a deep dark pit with no way out. This was the cycle that drove me past the breaking point causing me to explode every single bottled up emotion that I had buried inside of me so that I could put on a brave face and pretend that my life was okay. This was the five word description of the worst times that finally, after too much time pretending and living with the pain, lead me to a life of love, laughter, and peace.

Excitement: the feeling that would come about my entire body when it had seemed like there may have been a spark. Finally just one person that would not leave me in the dust for a better offer. Excitement was the feeling that I got whenever I felt like I could really start over. But not looking back, how could I have been naive as to think that each time it would be different. I was just kidding myself. But still, time after time, there was excitement.

Hopefulness was that little in between patch of emotion after the excitement was phasing it’s way out, and before the annual waiting game. Hopefulness was me thinking of all the good that could come out of this one person: a friend, a best friend, a sister. This was the time I prayed to God that for once I would get it right and that this person wouldn’t throw me aside like all the others.

Anticipation was the worst. I can still remember the feeling I got every time I would invite someone to hang out and waiting for their reply. Sometimes it was in a matter of hours, sometimes days, and sometimes never at all. It killed me when this happened. How could someone not even have the common courtesy as to reply back. If the answer was “no” then just say “no”. I remember the butterflies that would kick start the nots that would twist and turn tightening up my insides so that it became harder for me to breathe. All while I was just waiting to see if there would yet again be rejection.

Disappointment became easy after a while. It was kind of like a routine. I would ask someone to hang out and get rejected. Me, being the optimistic person that I am, would always try to push that grey cloud aside and begin to form a ray of sunshine instead by trying to find something else to occupy my mind. Usually, this would involve a few episodes of “The Office” on Netflix. The disappointment stage didn’t last too long. I wouldn’t allow for that. I needed to get over it and move on. I could be happy after high school. Besides, the betrayal stage was soon to come and I needed to save some of my emotions for that.

Betrayal: the cold hearted emotion that I hope nobody ever has to go through. These were the countless times after I had been rejected by that the person who said that they couldn’t hang out because they “had to help their mom clean up around the house” when in reality was posting pictures of them hanging out with other girls because they were a better option than I was. Teenage girls are so nasty.

I allowed this to be my life for two whole years. Now, I have given myself a second chance at happiness. I have allowed myself to open up to the world around me and have surrounded myself with beautiful people who lift me up to my highest potential. I no longer have to worry about whether or not somebody will get a better offer. I have a lot to offer. Looking back, I should have never tried to be strong for the sake of pleasing others. I should have learned earlier how to please myself. Now, I will never allow myself to not feel chosen. I will always be chosen.