Many people believe that OCD is merely a perfectionist; someone who cannot stand bits of crumbs falling from a brittle sandwich. However, this point of view is entirely misguided by the way someone chooses to imagine something. It is easy to understand an idea from an assumption, but it is much harder to grasp the concept without an idea of what true meaning the word holds. I can speak from personal experience that OCD is much more than being a “perfectionist”. It goes far beyond that notion and rather delves into obsessive thoughts and repetitive actions that take over one’s day-to-day life. It is because of my own familiarity with obsessive-compulsive disorder that I have been able to understand it’s true definition, and realized just how much it has changed with me.  

Almost everyone that I have had a conversation with on this topic has had the same response. “Oh, your bedroom must be immaculate!” Or my personal favorite, “Oh my gosh I am so OCD about my...”. They grin as though they expect me to reply “You too? No way!” Honestly, I almost take offense to this at times but you can’t blame them for not understanding. You see, to me, OCD has such a deep meaning because I have struggled with it for years. The intrusive thoughts that caused neverending anxiety, and the repetition of tedious actions to try and escape them. Only to turn into a daily vicious cycle. It became a battle against my own mind, and the mind can be one of the hardest thing to escape.

OCD became a way of life; from the time I opened my eyes in the morning, to the time I fell asleep. A day full of constant rituals of the same obsessions. Constantly dwelling on the same thought and jumping to the worst conclusion. It was a constant feeling of self-loathing because I could not put an end to this problem. Every day was harder to face because I felt completely trapped in my own mind. I’ll break it down for you. If I did not lock the front door exactly three times, something awful was going to happen to a loved one. But wait, the number three feels unlucky, how about six? That’s the devil’s number- I do not like it. Ok now we are up to twelve, that feels okay. So the door is locked twelve times, but if I mess up just one turn I have to start over.

Obviously, OCD is a lot more than perfection. It meant anxiety that was too much to bear. It became a demanding force that ruled over my head 24 hours a day. When I hear the term I think of sadness and pain. It was hard to be around people, trying to make these actions seem normal. Eventually, though, I became a master of disguising my OCD. I would always walk slower in stores than those in front of me, usually because I was reading the entire barcode of a price tag, or meticulously placing an item back on the shelf. Yet they would never notice, because once they turned around I was already walking up to them, talking about the “cute shirt” I had been gawking over.

However, most people can grasp a general idea of the term ‘obsessive-compulsive disorder’. It can be broken down easily into the two words that it comprises- obsession and compulsion. Obsession has an obvious meaning, it is an idea that you cannot stop thinking about and is constantly on your mind. This is similar to compulsion in the sense that it is something you feel obliged to do. Once the obsession begins, you have to find something to distract yourself; which is the part that people usually do not understand. The obsessive thought sits in the back of your mind, which in turn leads to anxiety. You then feed this behavior by finding a task to complete to get it out of your head, but this only provides temporary relief.

On the other hand, OCD has provided me with the opportunity for growth. Despite all the pain and anger it caused, it also allowed me to understand how to better myself. My definition of OCD has shifted from that of feeling controlled to something of perseverance. It has allowed me to understand that I have a problem and pushed me to do something about it. I slowly brought down the number of times I did something until I was only locking a door once. I decided that it was not necessary to replay the same part of the song, just because I kept missing one lyric. Eventually, I was able to slim everything down to a “normal” rate.

Additionally, the anxiety went down as well. Once I lessened the rituals, I was able to get rid of the thoughts that caused them. That was the worst part, the fear. OCD meant fearing the worst. What would I cause if I did not make myself fix the tassels on the carpet? I finally came to the realization that my actions do not affect the outside world. It was not until then that I was able to fully come to terms with just how consuming this was.

As you can see, obsessive-compulsive disorder is much more than extreme cleanliness. For many, it is a way of life. A battle between the rational and insane parts of your brain, that are being controlled by a puppeteer. Personally, OCD means anxiety, fear, and now perseverance. It is a constant feeling of the inability to escape your own mind. However, I was finally able to correct the continuous rituals and obsessive thoughts. Which is why my definition of OCD has altered to a positive one. I am able to talk about it because I was able to work through it. It was an uphill battle but it showed me what it means to persevere. I am thankful to have known OCD in a negative way because without it, I would not have been able to define it in a positive light.