The story of what goes on inside my mind even when my face tells a different one. Now this could go multiple ways it all depends on what you chose to focus on. Thoughts can do a lot to someone trust me I would know, I think a lot and speak close to nothing. This can be a great thing, sometimes I feel like others should think a lot more before they say things. Thinking before you speak, or type for that matter, could save a lot of situations from escalating higher than they do. Thinking all the time and not speaking can be just as detrimental as speaking to much. Thoughts can consume all other feelings and common sense. I didn't realized this until sophomore year when I felt like my entire life was just slowly falling apart. It started with my now ex best friends but best friends at the time. I know its high school now I am exposed to way more than I thought I would be. I had my group of friends who seem to be perfect people but they branched out and things went south. They got involved with another group of friends and did things I thought only happened in the movies but here I was. I was faced with the choice of following my friends, grasping onto the friends that I had grown up with or doing what I knew was right and walk in a different direction. Of course I went the other way and decided I was going to take high school head on, and on my own. This was extremely hard this is where thoughts started to make a big appearance in my life. Before, I was able to go to my best friends and talk everything out but now without them or anyone I felt comfortable enough to confide in, I was stuck to thinking and keeping everything to myself. This was frustrating. My thoughts became a lot to handle I started to become super quiet and reserved just because I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I was so focused on what my thoughts were telling me and trying to figure out what to do with them since I didn't have anyone to go to. It's like my mind was spinning in a million different directions and I couldn't figure out how to get myself together. This was incredibly difficult. Balancing everything and having to stick a smile and sit through a full school day pretending like my mind wasn't going to explode from the overflow of thoughts coming in and never leaving. This caused me to fall behind not care about things I used to anymore or enjoy things I used to loved. I was so consumed in my thoughts it was hard to focus on anything but what was going on inside my head. This made days a lot longer and nights a lot shorter. I spent time trying to complete school work because I couldn't fall to far behind. Finally, I made it to winter break. I spent this break trying to find new friends which I did successfully but there was a problem with this, they all went to a different school. This made going to school still not enjoyable but it gave me people I trusted dearly. Then feelings set in and my best friend became more than just a best friend. This was fantastic I loved having someone I could count on again. This gave my mind a huge break one, that was needed very much. With this trust came the whole relationship situation which slowly started going south but so slow I couldn't even tell. I thought it was normal I thought maybe this is what all high school relationships were supposed to be like. I was sadly mistaken but the thought of losing another best friend was scarier than I could ever imagine. My trust slowly faded. Hanging out became a chore and not enjoyment. The thoughts returned. I had time to think to myself again. How was I supposed to speak my thoughts, my terrible thoughts to the person causing them? I went back to letting my mind race in circles without letting anyone know what was going on. It was easiest that way, if I wanted to speak then I would. I gathered the courage to talk to him about what was happening and how I felt. I thought we would be able to talk things out and everything be okay. I was wrong, things fell apart, tensions rose and we fell. We ended things on a promise that we would stay friends. Pursue a healthy friendship, end the unhealthy. This was a great thing I was able to end the race going on inside my head. Focus on myself. It was summer break now. I still had a group of friends I felt comfortable with. The smile that beamed from my face was how I was truly feeling. It was great. It was the first time I felt in control of what was going on. August rolled around way to fast and I was terrified to go back to school. Junior year, that meant new classes, new people and my friends still went to a different school so I couldn't depend on them during the school day. I was determined to turn things around not let the race inside my head begin again. “ headphones in, music loud. One step head up, breathe. Smile look happy. Avoid confrontation at all costs! Don't make eye contact. Just walk into class, turn off your music sit, and focus. Class is over……. Deep breath, headphones in, smile and walk.”  These were things I wrote in my notebook, small reminders to get me through the day, the week. I depended on weekends. I was able to go to football games, not my school, I was adopted into a new school one that I felt happy at. Weekends were spent with my new friends. My mind was able to relax, my smile was genuine. Life was great. I found happiness in small things. Found ways to run the race inside my head instead of letting it run me. Though in the back of my head these thoughts still found ways to control me. Little things would upset me and the thoughts would creep in, I would keep the thoughts to myself. I stayed inside my room, sleeping as much as possible ignoring the fact that something was wrong. Still with the thoughts in the back of my head, I was able to hang out with friends , enjoy my time with them and everything seemed okay, in fact everything was okay. As long as I was with someone but as soon as I was alone the thoughts and feelings would show up and make me feel a lot lower than I felt I could be. Things get better that really is the truth. I survived off small things from both strangers and people I knew the best. I surrounded myself with a lot of people so that I wouldn't ever be alone. Still unless I share this story, people would think I was this happy content girl who had everything in the world nothing to be upset about but inside my thoughts were consuming my every move. I became aware that other people around me could be the same. People could be depending on my smile, my support and I might not even know it. If people were to realize how much small things meant maybe the thoughts wouldn't have had so much control. Being able to talk to people made a difference I wouldn't think possible. Not only did talking make me feel better but the ability to help others amidst their struggles made me feel like there was a reason to smile, to wake up everyday and continue this crazy thing we call life. I found that controlling my thoughts wasn't as hard as it was made out to be. I had to find a way to look at the small things, put on a new pair of glasses and see the world from another view.