The feeling of being anxious is experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. It’s mostly in my head, I know. It is in complete control of me. I am like a puppet and it control me with a string. I wish to never deal with such a feeling again. I think I am all ready to go. I start to make a mental checklist in my head; Homework done, Hair and makeup done, ate breakfast, wait did I brush my teeth? I feel for the glowing object inside my pocket that keeps me wanting more. I start down the stairs, I see my mom smiling at me from the door. I see my little brother, still in his star wars pjs, laying on the couch with an ipod inches from his face. I take one step down the stairs, I take in the smell of our house, a deep woodiness like a forest.

Another step, I begin to break into a cold sweat as the thought of the coming day shakes me to the core. I have reached the bottom of the stairs and wrestle with the urge to run right back up them. Every stress I could think of eats away at me, my anxiety spikes and I think I might faint. I see the obnoxious yellow of a school bus pass by my cul-de-sac and think to myself "It's ok, maybe today will be better" and I force myself out the door to catch the bus.

It magnifys my own fears and doubts. I make myself believe things that aren’t there. The world isn’t out to get me, I am not alone, and I am loved, but it tells me differently. A place of knowledge and nothingness. Thoughts come and go like the wind. Everything about me held in one place, yet not another living soul can access it. The only sound is the one of my voice, encouraging me to be brave or convincing me to just give up. It holds my deepest secrets, hopes, and dreams like a guardian angel. I am indebted to it always therefore I will always hate it.

There are two different sides to me: the side that everyone else sees and the side that I see and feel. I feel that there are certain expectations that are required of me. I can’t disappoint my parents, it breaks my heart and there’s. I feel the need to keep my grades stellar even though nobody expects me too. I tell myself I am trying so hard for me, that it’s for my future, but i’m sure what I even want. She is sporty, shy, friendly, loud, and weird. She is someone and also no one. Her short brown hair, glistening like a rainbow under the sunlight, is curled to perfection. Glasses or not she looks intelligent and focused like a feline. She enjoys the simplicities in life but yearns for something more, something exciting. She’s cares for people deeply but will cut you off as soon as she senses your infidelity. She is me.

Anxiety stresses me out over tests and homework. Makes me feel like I have to be perfect which makes me a tough critic to myself. I glance at the clock, only 12 minutes to do this 30 question quiz. I search frantically around the classroom, hoping to see someone struggling as much as me. My fingers fly across the keyboard, answering questions as fast as I can. People are starting to finish now and I am not even halfway done. Their voices start to rise, my brain fumbles and every thought inside goes flying. I scramble to try and get them back, oh no, what was I thinking about. Another glance at the clock, i’ve got 5 minutes left. My heart beats faster, I want to scream, cry, do something to make myself focus. I finally scroll down to question 30 by guessing on all the previous, the bell rings and I press submit. I hold my breath until I see my score and let it out as a sigh of disapproval and anger. I like being in control, in any situation. If comprehension does not fully set in, I am left worry on my mind. You show up most frequently during school. You like to stay with me till after when I get home and do my homework. I even lay awake in my bed some nights thinking about the suffering that is caused to me. I lie wide awake, still as the night. To an outside eye it might look to be as if I was simply just thinking. In fact I am screaming internally. With my emotions confused and scrambled I don’t know what to do with myself. It's been forty five minutes now since I first laid down think I was actually going to sleep. The upcoming day that has me terrified is Monday, the most dreaded day of the week.

Anxiety has become a part of me as a whole. It affects how I present myself, my social interactions, and my school work. I have try hard to focus on the good things in life not take anything for granted. My friends and family are always there for me to remind me that life is enjoyable and fun. My mom always calms and talks some sense into me when I act crazy. She makes all my stresses go away and I truly appreciate her. Bottom line is that I am scared of the unknown, but aren’t we all. Is it not human nature to desire perfection?