I had a full life before my parents got divorced. Unlike a lot of people my age, it happened when I was fourteen. I knew what was happening. I wasn’t five. I knew why. I wasn’t clueless. And I had something real taken away from me. Things changed. I didn’t grow up in this situation, I wasn’t used to having unhappy parents. We were all happy for the first chunk of my life. I had to suffer through the long nights of screaming from down the hall. I had to watch my mom's heart shatter as she broke the news to me. I could see the look of feeling like she had let me down in her eyes, and I could hear it in her voice. I had to mourn the loss of what I had known as life for the first 14 years of it. Worst part of all, I had to do it all secretly.

I tried my hardest to never show any family members any weakness, resentment, or large amounts of sadness. They were going through a lot right now. They needed someone to be strong for them. It wasn’t up until recently that I realized I was allowed to have that too. It was okay for me to want that. I’m happy to know that now, and I’ve also accepted the fact back then I made myself go through all of that without that crucial piece of information. I think not knowing made me stronger in the end though. It taught me to rely on myself to get through hard times. It’s good to know I’m able to that, but I do wish I could’ve learned the lesson a different way.

    I wish I would’ve confided in someone at that point in my life. I bottled and bottled and bottled my feelings under all my families problems and emotions. And in the moment, it felt like I was doing the right thing until it eventually blew up in my face, as I found myself, fourteen years old, crying myself to sleep night after night. Unsure on how to share my feelings and ask for help without feeling selfish, much less who I would go to. Things got better for me once we began going to family counseling. It gave me a place to let everything out and finally have my family understand how much the changes had effected me.

Even though this was one of the most impacting hardships on my life, I think there was a silver lining to the whole thing. While I did lose a lot and not everything is the same, I learned that it’s good to ask for help. You don’t have to go through things alone, and you shouldn’t. Your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. Don’t put yourself and your well being below others just because you feel responsible for making them feel better. You are also responsible for your own feelings. Once you open yourself up and understand why you feel the things you feel, you will be happier.