The moonlight shines brightly into the tent, and all 15 of us sit huddled together. Everyone laughs with each other, falling over crying from laughing so hard, yet as I sit in the circle of people I don’t connect with why everyone is laughing their brains out. I softly giggle along so that no one suspects anything. In this moment I had never felt more alone, and I was with my “closest” friends.

  I thought that it was my fault, I had so many things that I thought I was doing wrong. Maybe if I hung out with all of them more, or if I was funnier, or if I still played soccer, I would fit in. Maybe if I was still dating him, or better friends with her, I would fit in. Maybe if I was skinnier, or shorter, or prettier, I would fit in. I truly don’t think that I felt alone because I didn’t fit in, but because I didn’t fit in enough. It was because I wasn’t in the clique within our clique.

Every time I tried to say something I felt like no one listening, I was a mere squeak in the distance. And every time I said something in our group chat I rarely got an answer. It was evident to me that when people had conversations with me they did not treat me the same as the main people of the group. It was more like small talk and politeness. You’re not supposed to just have small talk with your closest friends.

 When summer came around I got very busy between volleyball, vacations, and a church camp, and I ended up not being home for 3 weeks. This getaway gave me a lot of time to think and at Church camp it was in my heart that I needed to break away from these toxic relationships that had been created for me. At first I was hesitant to make that decision, I kept thinking “They are my closest friends, I can’t do that, I’ll have no friend group.”

 I didn’t want to cause any drama in the group, so I told my closest friend everything that was going on, and he supported my decision. I’ll always love all of them, I’ve known them since 7th grade, but this made me realize that sometimes blessings come as closed doors. You’re next step in life doesn’t always have to be stepping into a new opportunity, it can also be closing off a part of your life so that you can move on. Even though it hasn’t been that long, I feel like I’ve been more comfortable with being myself and I have built stronger relationships with other friends because of what happened. We all have to accept sometimes that it’s hard to let go of the people we love, but sometimes we have to let go in order to work on ourselves.