The friendship? Gone.

With tears like waterfalls pouring from my eyes, I didn’t know what to do.  I texted you. I knew a friend could get me through this. I went to my contacts, typed in your name and sent that message. In less than two minutes, I had a reply: a reply that changed everything. A reply that made me realize I was going to get over the hurt. I was no longer going to be lying on my floor crying. We talked about it and I felt better. You were always there to help me through the hurt.

But, when I picked him, I lost you. And I don’t even know how that must have made you feel—used? hurt? betrayed? And then when I needed you, you weren’t there. I went to my contacts, typed in your name, and typed my message. This time before sending it, I re-read it. Tears coming out of my eyes, I deleted it. In that moment, I realized it all. I realized that I couldn’t send that message to you. You were no longer in my life, and it was all because I messed up everything. I was the reason I no longer had you as a friend. I never wanted to do that to anyone. I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I made you feel. 

You look at me now like I’m nothing.  I. Feel. Worthless. Is that how you felt when I made my fatal choice? How could I be nothing to you when we helped each other through the most important times in our lives? And sitting across from you at that table makes me realize how much I miss your friendship. I miss being able to talk about anything. But I now know one thing to be true: never pick a relationship over a friendship. In the end it’s the friends that help you through and pick you back up.