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Panic
Like a heavy shadow, anxiety follows me everywhere I go. Dragging its feet relentlessly, it slows me down. It waits, ready to be triggered by a change of atmosphere, a rift in my stable universe. Then, when upset, it lunges for me with astonishing swiftness and accuracy and plunges the sharp, hot blade of fear into my neck. Steadily the panic spreads through me like a disease, inescapable. Short breath, sweaty palms, rolling stomach, hot tears. The very walls of my existence are being retched away from me. I can only watch in absolute horror and shock as they crumble at my feet. Every comforting thought flees my mind, leaving behind only white blankness. Then suddenly, like Alice, I am falling endlessly into nothing. Slipping, unable to stand on my own two feet. "Deep breaths, deep breaths". Like a mantra it is chanted to me, "Deep breaths, deep breaths." So I take them- in, out. Then, slowly panic and doubt are replaced with reason. I am not falling, I am sitting on my bed, in my green bedroom. My mother is sighing and shaking her head and I think to myself, I wish I was fixed too, Mom. As that heavy shadow recedes, chortling victoriously, the walls of my mind begin to laboriously build themselves back up again, no longer phased by being knocked down. I think, "I am alright". I wonder, "what will be the cause next time".
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As a person with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), I decided to write about what it feels like to have a panic attack. So here ya go!