I woke to my name being called. I could tell that my mom had been crying and I remember thinking to myself, Now what? But my thinking changed at the switch of a light, as I looked up and saw that my moms eyes were swollen and red from crying. Never in 16 years, have I ever seen her cry. Not like that anyways. Immediately I rushed out of bed and it felt like time had slowed down just for those few seconds. My heart was pounding faster than it ever had before and I held back tears. I looked at the faces in the living room and saw that they were white and full of shock. I stopped breathing. I will never forget those words, “Nan died”, and the feelings that went through me in that very moment. At first the disbelief, anger and then finally, the pain that felt like someone had mercilessly ripped my heart right out from my chest. I remember feeling like I was all alone and like I was going to vomit. I ran to my room, yelling and crying. I cried and cried and cried. After a full day of non stop crying, I stopped and convinced myself that it wasn't true. How could something like that be true? My grandmother. My bestest friend in the whole world. My heart and soul. Gone. In half a blink of an eye. I just could not believe that life could be that cruel.

After that day, it felt like each day went by in only an hour. Have you ever stood by and watched a subway or a speeding car on the highway, pass by? Well that's how it felt. Like I was watching my life go by quickly (my life being that subway or speeding car.) Every time I looked at my mom my heart broke a little more. My grandmother and I were closer than I was to any other person, but my mom and her were as close as you can get with someone. I loved my grandmother with every inch of my heart but I think that my mom loved her with all her heart and then some. That's why every time I look at her, my heart crumbles. No one should ever have to go through that. It's not fair. I never would have thought that I would see my mother like that- EVER. The faster the days went by, the more I had to pinch myself. Even to this day, I keep thinking that I am in a coma or this is all one bad nightmare. Because life without nan, is no life at all.

As soon as we got to her house, I couldn't get out of the car. I was completely frozen. As soon as I would walk through that door and not see her standing there to give me one of her warm bear hugs and a kiss, it would make everything real. So as soon as I walked through that door, I felt like my world had come crashing down on me. I felt like I was on auto pilot and my feet barely moved. I looked around still expecting her to say “hey Maggie-Magoo” (I don't know why she always called me that, but it made me smile.) I forced myself to walk around. I had to find her. I had to find proof that she was still here and breathing. When I got to her bedroom, I saw that she didn't even unpack the presents we had gotten her for Christmas. I instantly started to bawl my eyes out, thinking of when she was with us less than a month ago celebrating her birthday and Christmas. She seemed fine then. At least I thought she did. I always wonder if maybe I just refused to acknowledge the fact that she looked sick and tired, or maybe she just hid it well. Either way the pain was just too much. I crawled up on her bed and curled up into a ball. After not even 10 minutes my mom came to get me, as she knew how painful it was, and we wept together.

Finally, it was the day to see her. This was the proof I needed but I wasn't so sure I wanted it anymore. My immediate family were supposed to go see her in the coffin. That still sounds unbelievable to say. My grandmother in a coffin. We had to wait for my mom to say it was okay for us to go in and as we waited, Papa gave me the necklace I had given nan the last day that I saw her. I did not like that necklace but nan loved it, so I rushed to the store an hour before she left to get it for her. When I put it on I did feel like she was there a little, but it could not help me from what I was about to see. When my mom said my sisters and I could go in, I tried to be as confident as possible. When I walked through that door, I could see her face. I practically ran to her and wept silently. My older sister stood beside me and I realized that my little sister didn't follow. I don't blame her. It was very hard to see.

We stood there for a few minutes just watching. I kept thinking to myself that this can't be real. It just can't be real. I can not believe it! Even though she was right in front of my face, I will never fully believe it. I touched her hair and my sister tried to hold her hand. When we had to leave my sister tried climbing in with her. She literally started to climb in and my dad had to pull her away. The look on her face is something that will stay in my mind forever. Complete pain and absolute sadness. I was shocked. Even thinking of it now the only feeling I can use to describe it all is numb. The tears were automatic but I felt like I couldn't feel anything. I felt drained. Like life and everything I once knew, was all a lie. Like it never happened at all. How could someone be there one minute and not the next? It is just so surreal and it always will be. I know that I loved her and I know that she made a huge impact in my life. I honestly would not be who I am today if it weren't for her. Many of my greatest or most important memories, include her. She really was my life. I had her to talk to about everything. She gave me the best advice and I would always listen. She was always right. She saved me from going off the edge so many times. She helped me through my darkest days and celebrated with me through my greatest. Words could never describe how much love and respect I had for you. How much I have for her.

Every day is a struggle. People say that time heals every thing but I really do believe that this is a wound that will never be healed. Whenever I feel like things may be as normal as it can get, it's almost as if salt got poured on that open wound. It stings. I think what hurts more than anything is that I don't know where she is. I used to believe that heaven and god was just something that people made up, to make themselves feel better. Now I don't know what to believe. If I knew that nan really was just gone, I don't know how I'd be able to continue on. It's scary. I like to think that she's watching over me somewhere and I really do hope that she can hear me. One day, I know that I will see her again. I always keep in mind that she would want me to continue on and have the greatest life ever. I don't want her effort to be wasted. It would be so easy to go and see her but I know it would be wrong. It wouldn’t be fair to my mom, my family, nan and myself. Life never really was easy and this year has definately been the biggest struggle of all, so why quit now? I will definately continue to mourn and cry, but I will also continue on with my life and live like she wanted me to. I will try my hardest to be happy. For my bestest friend in the whole world. My heart and soul. For Nan.









R.I.P My beautiful Nan.