Does religion really make an impact on a person’s life? Does it help them set the kind of life they seek? Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this desire to seek something in life,  to find purpose. My parents named me and my brother after people from the Bible: Me, Abraham, and my brother, Moses. Though, we never really attended church until I was about 11 or 12. At that time, we found a nice church in Naperville and attended every week. Then, we stopped going for whatever reason. I missed it actually, worshipping God and putting my faith in him. Eventually, my family and I did start going back. But that only lasted for a bit. We stopped going just because we weren’t able to for a bit and then when things got better, we still didn’t go. So then we sort of lost that connection we had with God, you could say.

During middle school, my family encountered many hardships. Such as not having enough money due to my dad being injured and not working, a family member passing away, and other family drama that really brought everyone down. In these times and moments, I felt like life is never going to stop being hard. And that it's going to drag me down. The times I felt better about myself were when I went with my grandma to her church. I would go with her for the Easter ceremonies and I really loved it. At one of them, I remember listening to the pastor recite a verse about Christ’s crucifixion. He talked about how He gave his life for all our sins. There was so much more than just that, but I remember feeling connected with God. I felt like I wasn’t alone and was being watched by the Lord. 

Long after, I strayed further from God. At the beginning of high school, I then associated myself as agnostic. The belief that the power of God or another being is unknowable but also not denying that there isn’t one at the same time. That’s allowed me to form my own path of beliefs and morals and to figure out what I want to do in my life. Though, since then I’ve gone through many moments where I feel sad. Of course things trigger it, but then it's not even stuff like a girl who lost feelings for me, or losing a friend. I just get a sad feeling that overwhelms me. It’s not depression. I’ve never felt this way for long periods of time, it just comes and goes.

But even then, after losing an uncle in middle school, having fallouts with family members and losing connections with them, I felt alone in a sense. Two of my half sisters have tried living with me and my family and were both kicked out due to not being able to cooperate with my parents and learning to be an adult. I understood the circumstances though. And it sucked.

Very recently, a very close friend of mine and I have had a very rocky, toxic friendship going on. I don’t know why, but it basically started when we fell for each other. I was the first one to catch feelings, and then she did as well. And it was good for a bit. But, she struggles with depression and anxiety so we had to end things. That brought me a feeling of being lonely. I understood of course, but it took a toll on me because I had a different vision of things playing out, especially because I was assured nothing bad was going to happen. But it did...and it hurt me. But, I still chose to stay as friends because we were close before everything. We had a certain connection. Someone who made me felt that God put her in my life for a reason.

I finally went to church recently with a friend. And it was an amazing experience to be there, listening to the songs being sung and hearing everyone sing in worship together. It was something I hadn’t been a part of in a long time. The sermon I heard was very relatable. As if the pastor knew what to talk about because I was there. It spoke to me. And made believe maybe God does watch and listen.

Not too long ago, my close friend who I had feelings for, almost attempted to hurt herself. It was even after a huge argument that this happened. Everything in me stopped and panicked. After hearing a couple friends raced to her house to calm her down, I was relieved. But, I can't help but blame myself for what happened. I know it's not my fault. I still added on to those emotional triggers that impacted her. I became something that hurts the person who was the last one I’ve ever wanted to hurt. And I did exactly that.

After going through so much, I’ve started speaking to God. Because I feel like I cannot describe the actual feelings and emotions I endure from everything. I cannot talk to anyone except him. For only he knows the answers to everything. And will guide me in my life. So, I will look to him for guidance and for comfort. For purpose.