I come back to this thought a lot. Maybe it’s guilt. Or that weird depressed feeling. Or habit. I know that he’s not actually buried here, but it’s comforting to think that he is. That the puppy I used to hug is in there, underneath his face etched in stone. I have been having replays and nightmares of the event for the longest time. I think to myself if I would have done one thing different in that moment, maybe he would be alive right now. I blame myself for what happened. And yes, I know that I will always be told that it wasn’t my fault. But I feel guilty. I feel as if I could have done something to prevent it. That I could have stopped it. The night that it happened, I made myself believe that he would survive. That he was stronger than the car that shoved its way into his life. I truly believed that he would make it. I lied - more like tricked myself into believing that he could survive it. I was very hopeful. But as you may have guessed, he didn’t make it. His life was stolen. Sometimes, I feel as if he was cheated of his own life. That he missed something. I looked into his eyes, just before he died. And let me tell you, it’s the most bizzare feeling ever and it made me feel so helpless. That I couldn’t do anything to help him. That the most I could do was look into his eyes and comfort him. When he looked at me, it was as if he was saying. “Help me!!! Please, don’t let me go, I love you” I can’t even express what I felt in that moment into words. It was the most frightening, helpless feeling of my entire life. There was nothing I could have done to prepare for this moment and nothing I could do. If I could just talk to myself in that moment, I feel as if it would ease the pain in the slightest bit.

If I could’ve talked to myself in that moment, I would say: Melina, listen to me. You have to say goodbye, it’s all you can do. There is nothing that you can do to prevent this from happening. I know that this is the most painful and terrorizing experience that no one should ever go through anything like this ever. But it’s life. And believe me, I hate it as much as you do. But we just need to accept what is going on and remember that he will always be in your heart even when it feels so incredibly empty. It will hurt for a very long time and it will take time getting used to him not being there. But please, listen. I am not saying that all of the grieving and pain will be easy. It will be hard. Look at me, it’s over a year later and I’m still not over this event in the slightest bit. I miss and think about him every single day. I cry myself to sleep thinking about him. I wish with all of my heart that this moment in time could be erased and that we could have just kept living life. With Milo. But clearly, it wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I know how hard this is but please, try your best to think about the happy times. When he was running around outside. Having the time of his life. And try to wipe this moment out of your mind, heart and soul. Please know that he will visit you in your dreams and will comfort you when you need him most. I know that it’s hard. But we will get through it together, with Milo. Forever and always.