I’ll always remember the time I spent playing the sport I loved. I will never forget the blood, sweat, and tears, the laughter, and the friendships. My dream was to play softball in college and maybe be good enough to play for team USA. I never thought I would be anything but happy while playing, but things change. I will always remember one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had with softball: Varsity season.

During the winter months, I trained with my teammates every day up until tryouts began. My friends and I who have played together since we were kids, were so excited to play yet another season together. We all worked hard for two years on Junior Varsity, and were prepared to have a great experience on the Varsity level.

I walked through the gym doors feeling confident. I went in and stood by all of my friends, who I could tell were feeling confident too. I looked over to the other side of the gym, and noticed about 10 faces I have never seen before.

“There are so many freshmen,” one of my friends, Mary, said.

“Well, that’s good, now we know that there will be a decent J.V. team,” I said.

I’m not going to lie, I started to get scared when I saw the coaches walk through the doors. My heart started beating fast and I could feel my hands start shaking.

“Alright ladies, huddle up,” said Coach Knight, “go ahead and warm up, Maddy and Elena will lead you. After you’re done, come back here so we can discuss our plans for tryouts.”

As I began to run, I felt like I was becoming more and more nervous.

“Why am I so nervous? I’ve been through so many tryouts, why am I all of a sudden so scared?” I thought to myself, “Okay, okay. You can do it. Stop worrying.”

We stopped warming up, and I went by Mary and listened to what Coach Knight had to say.

“Okay ladies, I’ve created two groups, group one will come with me and group two will go with Coach Kay.”

I zoned out for most of the time Coach Knight was reading off the lists until I heard my name.

“...Taylor, and Mary.”

“Wait, what group are we in?” I said.

“Two,” said Mary.

“That’s a relief, I did not want to be with Knight.”

Tryouts went by fast and I felt as if I played well. I was confident that there would be a great team, because of all the hard work Mary, Lauren, Kelly, and other upperclassmen put in on J.V.

The final day of tryouts was over, and we were all waiting for Coach Knight to talk to each one of us.

“Elena,” said Coach Knight.

I looked up at Elena and smiled at her, and I watched her walk into the room.

She came out, face red, and tears forming. I glanced at Mary and Kelly with worry in my eyes, then looked back at Elena. She had tears streaming down her face and immediately went in a different room away from the girls. Maddy got up and ran after her, while the girls and I sat not knowing what to do.

Coach Knight calls out more names, each of which made the team. Suddenly, I heard my name, and my heart started pounding. I became so worried about what he was going to say, and it caused me to tear up. As I sat down, my worrying intensified.

“Hey Taylor, how are you today?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s good. Well, I would like to offer you a spot on the team, I know there have been some issues and some of your buddies were cut, but I think you’re friends with everyone anyway.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’m looking forward to a great season!”

“Thanks.”

I walked out feeling relieved, yet angry. He seemed as if he didn’t care about the decisions he made, and it infuriated me. My friends and I worked so hard on J.V. for two years, and three of them got cut. At that moment, I did not care a single bit about making the team. All I cared about is how my friends and former teammates who worked hard did not get their part. He also managed to single-handedly take down the softball program by not having a J.V. team.

Once I was done, it was Mary’s turn. I was feeling very confident that she would make the team, so I wasn’t worried. I started to talk to Kelly and my other friends as we waited for Mary to come out. Once she returned, we all looked at her and asked if she made it.

“No.”

“Are you kidding me is that a joke?” I said.

“Nope.”

My face started heating up, and my stomach was in knots. I could not believe what I just heard. Mary is one of the best players I’ve ever been on a team with, and the fact that Coach Knight didn’t see that made me want to hate him.

“That’s crap! You are the best second basemen we have, and you’ve been playing since you were 9! This is actually ridiculous!” I said.

“Taylor, it’s fine. I don’t really care, I don’t like softball anymore anyway.”

I hugged Mary and sat back down, and waited for everyone to talk to Coach. After he spoke with every one of us, we had a meeting as a team.

“Hello girls, this is the varsity team! There was a lot of thought put in to making this team, we tried as hard as we could to make the best team possible,” said Coach Knight.

“Since there are 15 girls on this team, it’s going to be a slight competition; you have to work hard in order to keep your spots.”

When I heard those words come out of his mouth I became angrier at him. I didn’t understand how he could create a team, yet tell us right off the bat that it’s going to be a competition between us. I felt my anger boiling inside of me getting ready to explode like a volcano, but I quickly put it to rest. This became the beginning of a miserable season.

As the season progressed, each day I became unhappier. We practiced every day for about three weeks before our first game. The day finally came, and instead of being excited like usual, I would’ve rather been anywhere than there.

We arrived at the field and my anxiety started to build up, and I couldn’t breathe well.

“It’s okay, you’re fine, stop worrying, you’ll play well,” I told myself.

I stepped on the field and began warming up. I felt less anxious and got my head in the game. I was ready to play, and I stopped worrying so much about the “competition” between my teammates and I.

The game began, and I started at first base, and fifth batter. I was feeling confident and ready, until I made one mistake. I hit a fly ball and got out. I saw the ball fall right into the right fielder’s glove, and immediately lost all of my confidence. Throughout the rest of the game, I kept making more and more mistakes, like bobbling grounders, dropping balls at first, and being unable to hit, until it was finally over. Before our second game, Coach Knight gathered us and he gave us the lineup for the next game.

“Kylie, center. Jenna, catcher. Olivia, second. Alexis, third. Kelly, short. Sam, pitcher. Lily, left. Emma, right. Maddy, first.”

I didn’t hear my name and I felt myself starting to cry. I got so mad at myself for making those mistakes, and I was worried I would never get to play again unless someone else made a mistake. Coach Kay noticed my state and she sat right next to me.

“Taylor, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re crying, there is obviously something wrong.”

“I just feel like if I make one mistake, I’m never going to play again, and I worked hard for two years but freshmen are playing over me!”

“Taylor, you are one of the best players I’ve ever coached. You are just worrying too much, and it’s causing you to make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t talented.”

I hugged Coach Kay and stopped crying. I knew I had to stop worrying in order to play well. For the rest of that game, even though I didn’t play, I was happy.

As more and more games were played, I thought I would be less anxious, but I wasn’t. I was a nervous wreck during every game. I would tell myself every day I can get through it, and soon enough it’ll be over.

The day came. Second day of districts. We played our hearts out, but lost. I felt so relieved, calm, and happy it was finally over. I knew I still had all summer of playing with my travel team, but I was so happy varsity season was over.

Summer arrived, and I had my first tournament with my travel team. I felt much more confident than before, and I felt way less pressure than I felt on the varsity team. Once our game started, I was third batter, and I cranked a triple my first at bat. After that one at bat, all of my confidence that I lost during school season came rushing back and I had the best season of my entire softball career. Our second tournament came along, and I kept hitting triple after triple, until one at bat, I hit the sweet spot, and knocked it over the fence. My first home run. I felt a rush I’ve never experienced before, like a monsoon of joy drowned me. I looked up after rounding third, and saw my whole team cheering for me at home plate. I jumped on the plate and my team patted me on the head.

I realized that once I let go of all of my worries, stopped caring so much about competition, and started to care more about the actual team, I showed my full potential and all of the talent I was holding back because of my anxiety. Letting go was the best thing I have ever done, and I now use it throughout every obstacle that comes my way. I will never forget my journey to finding the key to confidence.