AIDS: To Be or Not To Be ... by Anon., Weymouth, MA

That's the bottom line, isn't it? I don't wish to have the virus, who does? But I do wish to know if I have it. I'm in that awful period, called the window period, in which I have to wait six (long) months before I can be tested to be positively sure.

All because of one night of totally meaningless sex with my roommate's boyfriend. How many others had he slept with? I was so drunk, most of it's a blur. How stupid can one person be? I have never regretted anything more in my whole nineteen years of life. Nineteen! I'm too young to die! I have my whole life ahead of me to do fantastic things! But because of one night, all of an hour or so, under the influence at that, with a guy I can't even talk to anymore! And for that, because of no protection (which I was too drunk to even think about) I might die. My life might end, and not too pleasantly. I may never be able to fall in love, travel the world, sleep in late, watch all my cousins grow up. I always thought I'd outlive my parents. What now?

And what if I do have it? How do I explain that to my parents? My parents who think their daughter is an absolute angel, who wouldn't drink, much less have sex before marriage. What do I tell them? And worse, my dear older brother who protects me, wasn't able to protect me this time.

I was never one to take life for granted because of its beauty. But it is easy to get wrapped up in daily affairs. Sometimes I just want to shake people and tell them it's not worth worrying over when you could die any day. Sure, if I have AIDS, I could easily be killed in a car accident first, but to know I might be dying anyway! Nothing compares to that. I cry a lot. I still have two months before I even find out: I'm sure there will be more crying.

Obviously I don't think I have AIDS, but isn't that what they all say? That's what scares me. And then I wonder about my religion. What if there is no God? What if I just die and that's that? What if ... what if ... what if ...

Right now I consider myself lucky to be saying "what if." I know there are thousands and thousands who have already found out. And I only hope I won't have it. It's kind of ironic - for someone who has attempted suicide a couple of times, I sure don't want to die (especially when I have no say). No one knows how much I want to live. They say nothing brings you closer to life than death.

Sex just isn't worth it. Even protected sex isn't one hundred percent safe. I know many of you think, "So what, it won't happen to me." But that's what I said. And that's how I felt. Sex is a part of life, so why can't I have some? Wait until you are married, then have all the sex you want. It's not worth dying over.