For centuries, man has shared a unique relationship with his bovine comrades. Whether it be for milk, steak, or simply the companionship that only a three ton heifer can provide, we have been raising cows since the dawn of time. Recently, researchers at the Alejandro Martinez Institute for Animal Husbandry in Santa Fe have had a breakthrough in the way cows communicate. According to renowned English neuropsychologist Sir Edward Edwards, the language mechanisms in the brain of the average dairy cow are much more complex than most people assume. “The language spoken by cows shares many traits with language used by bats,” Edwards states, “the dull ‘moo’ that we hear is simply the resonant byproduct of previously undiscovered infrasonic frequencies projected from the bovine diaphragm.” What this means, Edwards goes on to explain, is that cows communicate via echolocation, much like bats, dolphins, and submarines. Now you may be wondering how echolocation is a viable form of communication for a creature that lives primarily in the open plains. To answer this question, and more, we contacted Dr. Lars Hoffman from the Berlin institute of Bovine Studies via telephone. Dr. Hoffman was eager to impart his insights unto us, stating “Ich verstehe nicht Sie, nicht spreche ich Englisch. Es tut mir Leid, spricht bitte auf Deutsch.” Unfortunately, Dr. Hoffman does not speak English. When asked about the interview, telephone correspondent Max Weinberg stated “I don’t know what he said, but he sure did sound angry. It made me very nervous.”