Going into grammar school I became a very anxious kid, as many children do. The outgoing preschooler I once was, sunk into his own anxiety and fear. This fear festered within me. Meeting new people used to be easy, but this step into a new school changed me. The school itself was intimidating. The red brick monolith towered over me. As I stared upon it on my first day of school, my stomach dropped, as if I was looking down from the peak of a roller coaster. Once I stepped into my new school, I felt as if the safety and homeliness I had in preschool was gone. I was overcome by the fear of loneliness, and that fear expanded as the years went on. Being myself became alien to me. I felt as If I was losing myself for someone who would better fit it, but I accepted it as long as they liked me. My loss of personality and chase to be accepted followed me into high school, where the feeling I experienced when I was younger came back to me tenfold.

        I started high school the same way I did grammar school, quiet and anxious. As time went on I loosened up and people began to warm up to me. For a while I felt I was able to be myself. I fed off feedback from others, and I truly believed everyone liked me (or at least pretended to at the time because I was popular). As time progressed my confidence grew, and I became who I thought I wanted to be. I felt a switch, from looking to people for affirmation and guidance, to me giving it to others, and I enjoyed that aspect of popularity. But, I was also overcome with a feeling of invulnerability, an increase in ego. Everyone would constantly applaud everything I did, and it’s hard for someone to remain egoless with constant praise. Popularity changed me, and I convinced myself it was for the better.

        This high did not last all that long. By the end of my sophomore year, I entered a relationship I wasn’t entirely ready for. The feeling of anxiety that I had separated myself so far from, was back to haunt me. My arrogance caught up with me and I felt trapped, for the first time in forever. Then, I panicked. 

        My close friend and I were parked in a parking lot, (our usual past time). I leaned my seat back pondering the situation I led myself into. She was talking, but all I heard was my inner monologue over the contingent music. I was grasping for a way to get out. At the time,I felt no remorse. I carried a cockiness around and this led to one of my biggest regrets to this day. I cheated on my girlfriend, and the girl I did it with told her. Knowing that people would hate me I closed myself off and lost all that confidence I worked so hard for. Although my ego was large, it was fragile.

       While in this period of isolation, I reviewed the time on my journey towards becoming “popular”. After you step away from it all, it's clear how many people never really cared for you, and how many people only used you for their own benefit. I came to the realization that my happiness was not from people liking me or people thinking I was popular. My happiness came from allowing myself to be who I truly was. If I have any advice, it would be to skip the whole chase towards popularity, and work on yourself first. To reach true confidence, you must allow yourself to be the truest version of you, anything else, will only be a facade.