Everyone knows dying is a part of life, and it will happen to all of us eventually,but losing someone you love is something we all dread and there's nothing that can prepare you for it. 

March 11, 2020 is a day I never want to relive.The painful sound in my mom’s voice as she calls to say, “I’m sorry baby they did everything they could” haunts me. Not only my grandpa but my best friend, the strongest man I knew, the man who would go against my mom for me, took his last breath and I never got to say goodbye. “At least he's not sick anymore” I thought to myself. The pain I feel is something I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy. The nothingness, the guilt, all hit me like a bus. With my rollercoaster of emotions came confusion, Is god real? Is there such a thing as an afterlife? Will I get to see him again? 

With that I started to enjoy the little things in life more. Grandpa always called me his little duckling because I'd follow him around. So I started using ducks, as my sign from him. The morning of his funeral we made a quick run to Target to pick up my little sister's a black shirt to wear, as we all got out of the car we saw four little ducklings following its mom in the middle of the road, I took that,as a really big sign that we we're still going to be following him around. It made me feel so relieved.  After that during his service and while my mom was giving a speech, someone's phone went off and it wasn't just a normal ring tone. It was the sound of a duck quacking. From that very moment I knew Bapa (my grandpa) was looking over me even though hes in heaven.

After the next few months I had a hard time, when I tried getting out of bed it felt like I had 100 pound weights on my legs and arms, holding me down. One thing that helped me was posting about it on social media and all of the positive things people would say back. Getting comments with things like “i'm sorry for ur loss ur so strong”, “I know heaven is so lucky to have him”, “there's no rule that says you need to heal in a certain amount of time take ur time and things will get better soon” made me feel I wasn't the only one in the world who felt like that.

 But of course with all the nice comments  there is bad comments too. “Ur so stupid god isnt real” I wasnt sure if I was more hurt by the fact someone could think that or by the fact that somebody knew I was going there a hard time and would even have the heart to say that. At that moment I had so many thoughts going through my head. “Maybe this guy is right” “but to me I thought that that part of my grieving process was over. After going to visit the cemetery many times, it was very clear to me that when I was there it made me feel like I was talking to him.That always made me feel so safe and like he was really there listening to me like he used to and oh boy I missed that. That's when I knew I shouldn't question my beliefs because I was still following him around like a ducking  like I used to. 

I know he's real. So no matter what anyone tells me, god is real, and one day it will all be worth it when I join Bapa in heaven, and even though not everyone sees things like I do that doesn't mean that my way of seeing things is wrong or invalied.