I don’t remember meeting it. It was just there, an ever-vigilant presence, watching. Whispering. Never far from my mind, never quite out of view, it hovered around the edges of my vision and clouded my perception. It told me things that I didn’t have words for, but that felt right. We’ll call it Jun.

Then there was another one that came when I was quite young. It moved in and took up residence by the older spectre. I never invited it in. It just came. It told me things I took for truth. We’ll call it Wei.

Jun would speak whenever someone called me “she”. “That’s not quite correct”, it’d murmur. “Something’s wrong. They’re wrong.” I paid it little heed, only acting on some of its suggestions. Wearing the boys’ uniform at my Catholic grade school. Cutting my hair short.

Wei would also speak, but it would be quieter. More insidious. “You don’t look right. Everyone else knows you’re a girl. You’re just deluded.” I listened more to it than to Jun. After all, it’s easier to believe that you’re wrong than that everyone else is.

As I grew, they grew with me. Everywhere I looked, one of them would speak. Jun was more caring, less sharp with its words, often silent. Wei would swirl around my head, never silent, only quieter. And try as I might to resist, its claws took hold.

High school. I sat in my bathroom, red lines running down my arms. No longer content with whispering, Wei shouted, and I listened. “You hurt everyone. You fail everyone. You are nothing.” Everywhere I went, it spoke, drowning out the other spectre and the words of my friends. I’d beaten Jun down, refused to listen to it, until it had whispered and faded away. I was alone against my worst enemy, my only army myself.

This went on for some time, each day darker than the last. Hope had faded, and the only way out I could see was to succumb to Wei’s beckoning, its temptations, and commit to the final decision. My arms stung, and daily I would force open the barely-healed skin.

One night, I gave in. Wei smirked facelessly, a smug cunning presence, and whispered to me. “Just this one little thing, and you’re free. Nobody will hurt you anymore. You won’t hurt anybody anymore. Safe. Everyone will be safe. From you.” It guided me through the house to the kitchen. It was dark, but I knew where to find what I needed. I took it from its drawer and scurried back upstairs, clutching the knife to my chest.

I sat in my bathroom like I had so many times before. Blood cleans easier off tile than carpet, I’d found. My hands trembled as I positioned the blade. I brought it closer, then closer still, but something rang in my head. “Stop! What are you doing? Don’t do this!” A last-minute effort by Jun, breaking through the chains I’d put on it, stayed my hand. It was just enough for Wei’s grip to loosen, for my fog of despair to lift momentarily, and Jun took that opportunity to gain a foothold. I sat frozen as a battle erupted in my skull, tears slowly dripping down my face.

Eventually Jun won, helped me regain myself. I threw the knife from me, slumping to the ground, and gasped for breath. I was too weak to protect myself from Wei’s furious screeching, but Jun was strong enough to stop me from acting on its commands. I was hurting, inside and out.

I never met them. They were always just there, whispering and watching, maiming and mending, ever-constant inside of me. They are as much a part of me as my own self, at this point. Try and tell who I am, I dare you. Try and see.