Everyday started the same, 100 crunches, get dressed, go to school, don’t eat. I felt comfort in a schedule and still do but at that time I couldn't think about anything but food and what I would do for my daily workout. My mind was full of darkness while I tried to fill myself with physical emptiness to make the darkness go away but it never worked. I was alone in my mind unable to think or concentrate on anything. Nothing else  seemed to madder to me but weight and perfection, not even my own life.

My mind was full even if I only thought about a few things because those few things were taking over my life. My mind on had thoughts of perfection, thoughts of food and exercise but mostly controL.. To me it was life what I ate or well didn’t eat was the only thing I had control over. The truth of what I didn't know was I had no control at all..

Around me the world I was in felt dark and gloomy and as the days went on it only got darker. I was crying through my smiles, always fighting back the tears no matter where I was. I was so unhappy but through the sadness I have learned to appreciate all the happy times that I have now. If I look back now in my old I can't help but cry. Looking back on can be hard but for me helps to put it in the past and also deal with it. I still cry when I read an old poem I had wrote.

“In silence I have watched myself,
fallowing every mistake,
every stupid little thing
but there is no turning back now.

Let the coldness surround me.
Let the shadows take me.
Let the voices fill me.
Feel the hunger,
feel the pain, but mostly feel strong.

My self alone has broken.
My image shattered.
Cries for help
screamed out but only silence heard….”
( Dec 2, 2013)

I can't fully go through every page of my past but I can accept that it happened. The poem above was written during the worst of my 9th grade year. To this day its still hard to talk about to this day but its time to face that.
My ninth grade year was probably the worst year I have ever been through. I either didn't eat or would purge out any thing I did eat. I also started taking laxatives, a lot of laxatives, and along with that I was cutting. The cutting or self harm made me some how feel relief. I wasn't  crazy, I was struggling to cope, I was caught up in my own pain and the pain around me. The relief of course never lasted long at all , it always came back but I felt like I deserved the pain when I did not. Some nights I would go running, while I was running it was like trying to run away from your self but there is no where to hide. I felt I needed to run away from all the thoughts stuck in my head instead of facing them head on.

There was one moment that year when I really lost it. I was up late at night talking and fighting with myself, basically going crazy. In my head I wanted to die but in my heart I knew that I didn't, I knew I wanted to live. I was still cutting at that time not because I wanted to die but because it started to feel like I had to, like it wasnt even me doing it. It was like I was there watching but the hands holding the blade were someone elses. I had truly lost control but that day I decided to fight. I don't remember why but I did, with some help of course by the guy how I now proudly call my boyfriend. Even with his help I still had to fight for myself since no one could do that for me.

Things after that were better for a while but then got worse, I was purging much more often than I ever had and I was eating much less. I was compulsively exercising a lot and it was worse than ever. I was spiraling out of control and couldn't deal with any of it. I also felt more alone than ever in everything. I couldn't keep my head on straight.

Through all my lies I told the truth caught up to me. It was scary but in the end was welcoming. My secrets were out so I didn't have to hide any more. I was able to truly take control of my life and find what really makes me happy. Through that I found the love of writing and found what was best for me. I still have to think about what all caused everything but it wasn't just one thing. Maybe one day ill find out but untill then i’m going to enjoy finding what makes me happy and enjoying my life, the life I lead with out the crazies in my head. I'm finding what I want in the world. And now I am stronger than ever before and ready for all the struggles life has to offer me. But mostly i’m happy and to me being happy should be everyone's goal in life. I wouldn't trade being happy for anything in the world.