Sometimes I wonder why we are faced to reality so brutally… I just graduated from a school where I have spent the last six years of my life. During these last six years of my life i was supposed to make friends, good friends and maybe even acquaintances. The only thing I have done during these last six years though has been make friends and then push them away as i made other friends and the push those away and so fourth. All I have come to realize is how much I am incapable of having friends.
There are, of course, the few who I always come back to but even those relationships are more messed up than all the others. I have come to admire people who have the ability to have and stay in touch with numerous amounts of their friends while I struggle to stay in good graces with my high school graduating class. My I mention we were only nineteen students.
My biggest realization of my problem was a few days ago in the day of my birthday. It was a Monday and we had graduated the Saturday before that. The day after (Tuesday) would be the debut day for a school play where half of my senior class was participating. I have to say personally I do put a lot of pressure on days like my birthday and this is why they have never been my best days but this one was just especially disappointing. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about my big day and instead was focused on theirs. I know it’s a little selfish but can you blame me? All I wanted was to spend my birthday with my friends talking about stupid things and they to get a desert and have them sing happy birthday to me… Was that so much to ask from them?
I came to the realization I have less friends than I thought I had and that I am doing a worst job than I thought at keeping them when I realized if it would have been anyone else´s birthday it would have gone very differently. Rehearsals would have been stopped or at least theater talk would have stopped in the table when we went out for lunch in my honor.
I am pissed right now but I don´t really know with whom. Maybe with my friends for not really being my friends or at least for not showing they care for my birthday or maybe at myself for letting them get away from me since the beginning and only realizing it now. All I know though is that I am pissed at everything and mostly at that stupid play that finally opened my eyes. Why couldn’t it be another day… why couldn’t life let me have one good birthday before they were all gone, before we all part our separate ways.
I have been a fool for a very long time now thinking that some of us would be friends forever, at least with the past we share. Maybe I will be friends with one or two when all of this is over but maybe not. Some say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, let’s hope that is true, for my sake and the sake of my future happiness.