Never mind the war in Iraq. You could say that’s a small issue compared to the one Americans battle every single day. As we speak, the United States is facing the biggest civil war of its time. Only this is a war against none other than Ronald McDonald. Mr. McDonald has sabotaged our society for far too long. Even worse, he’s not alone. His co-conspirators, Burger King and Wendy, share his guilt. Together, these criminals rob the American people of our hard-earned money, and most importantly, our bodies. Fast food restaurants are undoubtedly responsible for making our citizens fat one perilous pound at a time. Like a forest fire raging through the Western wilderness, charring everything in its path, fast food is sweeping our nation, spreading the epidemic of obesity far and wide. Not even our children can escape the relentless wrath of the fast food industry. They will stop at nothing until the entire population falls victim to their greasy grasp. The felons are the reason our country is the laughing stock of the rest of the globe. Why do you think they call us “the fattest country in the world?”

With the threat of these conspirators polluting the streets, we must find a solution to save our people from fast food’s reign of terror. These death traps lie around every corner. You can’t take ten steps without ending up on their doorstep, from which they happily invite you in for a visit. We are tortured by temptation and forced to fight our free will. But how can you resist? Our willpower alone is no match for the McMuffin. The cycle imprisons millions within their own bodies, collecting mass with every crispy McNugget. Diabetes and heart-attacks lurk in the shadows with every Supersized Coca-Cola. After many years of studying this issue, I have come up with the solution. We must impose a nation-wide prohibition of all fast food restaurants. We will bid our Big Macs, Frostys, and Baconators farewell. The result? Finally we will all attain the summer bodies we’ve always dreamed of. So go ahead, break out that teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.

With the removal all fast food establishments, we will finally escape their excruciating temptation. Fast food companies compel us to make the wrong decision, and they have a powerful weapon to make sure we do. Millions of innocent Americans are ambushed by the ingenious lure of advertisement. Those luminous golden arches are monsters disguised as artful sales techniques. They are the bait- wiggling worms just waiting to be snatched up. They catch our eye, send drool running down our chins and beg us to stop in our tracks for a taste. Then, they reel us in like the fish we are.

The dreaded arches are the source of your children’s pleas, testing your patience and trying your “LAST NERVE!!” with their screeching demands for a Happy Meal. You would never admit it, but billboards and signs are behind every gray hair that grows on your head. They lead to the exasperating sighs of mothers and fathers in acceptance of total defeat by their offspring. They are what reminds you that McDonald’s does, in fact, have milkshakes, and despite the thousand calories, “just one won’t hurt.” The arches and icons like them are human-magnets of the fast food industry. Strategically placed, they are simply unconquerable by the average human being.

Upon enacting my proposal, we will be free of the enticement of the golden arches. Everyone will have peaceful car rides at last. There will be no more fifty-foot, multicolored billboards urging us to make the lethal decision. Only that casino billboard on the interstate will remain to test our self-control. Even small children will remain quiet and content in their car seats, unbothered and pleasant as can be. Although, the occasional passing by Toys R Us or Chuck-E-Cheese could ruin such a treasured moment of peace and quiet.

Purging America of fast food is most beneficial for society as a whole because no American will ever be obese again. People would return to their healthy weights, without chicken nuggets- whatever pink sludge they may contain- taking their toll. Everyone would magically become a health food connoisseur. They would start working out religiously and see the extra pounds melt like butter. No cheeseburger would stand in the way of their summer bods. It would be a community in which every individual is again accountable for their own well-being. What a strange idea that seems.

This proposal to completely eliminate fast food restaurants for the streets of America is unquestionably the most effective solution aiming to rid our country of obesity. Educating those who struggle with weight is among the silliest option I’ve heard in years. Surely they already know the options they have. Supporting and motivating our loved ones to make healthy decisions is another senseless proposal. Why would they listen to us, anyway? We can’t make them do it. Demanding more available healthy food options is by far the worst suggestion. People still may choose the unhealthy option, so what’s the point?

By initiating a national prohibition of fast food restaurants, we can restore this great country’s health once and for all, and we will finally escape the clutch of obesity that plagues us.