WASHINGTON – Thousands of cases of fatal food poisonings have been reported across the country in the last 3 days, and the victim count is increasing at an alarming rate. Experts have traced the source of the food poisoning to a strain of potato from the food giant Monsanto. The experts say that the potato seeds were genetically mutated to grow in a more rectangular shape at the request of McDonalds, whose fries contain about 30% potato and account for more than half of the consumer demand for the crop.
“I think it’s amazing how far genetic engineering has come in the past few years. It seems like just yesterday that boneless chickens were introduced to American farms,” said Howard Finn, leading geneticist at Johns Hopkins University. “This setback is unfortunate, but I just have to say that I am really amazed at how the potatoes turned out! They are seriously perfectly rectangular, and just the right size for McDonalds’ trademark fry cutters.”
People affected by the poisoning have reported painful stomach cramps, acid reflux, and in most cases severe throat swelling leading to asphyxiation. Most of the victims had no time to get to a hospital, but doctors haven’t found a cure yet. Several car accidents as a result of the sudden deaths have been reported, and police are asking that anyone eating McDonalds’ fries allow someone else to drive.
Linda White, an angry spouse of one of the victims said about the recent events, “It really upsets me to hear people complaining about the companies making our food. My husband got to die with a full stomach, and he really enjoyed that all of the fries were the same length; he is not a victim. The true victims here are the poor companies being blamed for trying to make the world a better place with their food.”
Ms. White was one of the many family members of the deceased invited to a press conference held by Ron McDonald, founder and CEO of McDonalds. At the conference, McDonald announced that in light of the recent events, the company will be giving out its new 100% meatless burger to any family members of the victims with a doctor’s note confirming their relationship to the deceased. The move is estimated to set the company back about $100,000, a figure that Monsanto has generously agreed to match in funds for research and development of water-free ice. “Our companies are working closely together in order to bring the people of America more food at lower costs,” announced McDonald at the conference.
“It’s so good to see that these companies really care about their customers. My son has been really struggling to eat at the school cafeteria because the salad bar options just don’t taste very good. It felt great to be able to bring him something he could really eat,” reported Dean Paul, a parent who has been struggling to find meals after his wife passed away yesterday from the food poisoning. “I just can’t help but feel indebted to these wonderful people at McDonalds and Monsanto who go so far out of their way just to help out a guy like me.”
Some people are less optimistic about the future of the food industry. Phillip Fry explained to one of our reporters, “You just can’t find any good food anymore. I miss when anchovy pizza was made with real cheese. I really hope we keep some real food around in the future.”
Mr. Fry’s opinion was not shared by most of the people that our reporters talked to. Most, like Ms. White, are just happy to see that their favorite restaurants will still be serving plenty of food in the times to come. Official reports from Monsanto estimate that the rectangular potato will be re-introduced in about a month, when consumers can expect to see the product in every fast food restaurant in America.