Fatty mcfatme

I run. I wipe the sweat away. I drink a cup of water. I go to the bathroom. I repeat. I am exhausted. I am so, so tired. I sleep. That is what I do every day after school, after I have finished my homework. I tell myself that I’m fat. I say “it’s ok. Soon I will be skinny! Soon I will be so pretty, and I will look so good in my dress and my Fila shoes!” I work out and try my best to eat healthy and I laugh off the pain. I bought a gray, turtleneck, ribbed dress with buttons on my sleeves, and its just the right length. As soon as I got into my room, I dressed myself up in the dress and the shoes that I had chosen. I cried. I knew that I just wasn’t pretty, I was to fat to be pretty. That’s when I first started to workout.

Laughing outside; crying inside

             There I am. Walking in the hallway with my friend. I talk about my new shoes, my beautiful FILA shoes. I wanted those shoes because I had seen them in some manga’s, and I had seen Jeon Jungkook of BTS wearing them and I had instantly fallen in love with the shoes. I loved them but as I had told my friend I “can’t wear them yet. Not until I’m good enough. Not until I’m skinny.” She just looked at me for a second then told me how crazy I was to think I was fat. I laughed and said “thanketh yous” and we laughed together. On the inside I cried. I cried over how fat I was. I cried over how she was too nice to me. I cried over how I just wanted to be skinny and look good in my new dress and shoes. And I went to P.E., and I pushed my feeling away.

My steel wall and the P.E. coach who broke it.

          My steel wall. A wall that I pull up to protect myself from the world. Something that I use to try to protect my feeling and make sure that I don’t freak out. My steel wall has been broken, no matter how hard I try to keep it together. My P.E. teacher once looked at me after having told me that I did not have enough time to go to the counselor’s office and she asked me if I was ok. She looked me straight in the eyes and said “are you ok” “yes” “…are you sure” that’s when it broke. A few tears ran down my face and I managed to mumble a teary “yeah”. After that day I have tried my hardest in P.E. even when I didn’t like the sport, even when I was annoyed with someone, even when I was about to break down, I tried because I knew that what she had done that day had made me feel the most important I had felt in a really long time. I felt like I really, truly mattered, I was stunned by the fact that a teacher I barely knew had felt so compelled to ask me if I was truly ok. She asked me, a insignificant, stupid, ugly, fat girl if I was ok.

Panic! In my Room

         I walk up the stairs. I sit down against the door. I scream. Silence. I cry. My voice won’t work, I can’t utter a sound. Then… I can’t breathe, I claw at my throat “help!!!” over and over but still, all I can hear is silence. My door is shut, slammed in the events before. My anger has washed away now, giving my fear a chance to surface. I slowly crawl into my bed. I can barely make it there without collapsing. Suddenly I’m at the foot of my bed, still, all alone. My life flashes before my eyes, all the events I will miss zapping around like madmen. And then I’m ok. My ears pop, my breathing calms, my eyes dry, my cries for help can be heard. I repeat the same words over and over, just to convince myself, “its ok, you’re ok.” I walk downstairs. I get a drink of water. I break and the dam does too, everything comes flooding out and all my family can do is sit there and realize that when I was screaming and crying and calling for help, no one could hear me.

My me

            Being embarrassed of who you are is horrible. When you stand in front of the room and your cheeks turn pink. When you can see the beauty in everyone else, but you see only flaws when you reluctantly look in the mirror. When you try to be perfect but you’re never good enough. When you don’t know if you deserve what your given. I tell myself that I should always be proud of “my me” but I don’t ever take my words to heart. Deep down I know that I am good enough, I don’t only have flaws, I shouldn’t be embarrassed by completing a project on time and getting an A. but I never seem to listen to myself.  Even If I can’t learn to listen to my words, I hope you do, I hope you listen to my words when I tell you that you ARE good enough, you are NOT filled only with flaws, and you are NOT ALONE when you get embarrassed.