I am a quiet young woman. My tongue does not have a constant need to form words, and when it decides to, I do not utter words of hate. So why did they torment me? What harm did I inflict upon them to deserve it? Even those who I used to call friends betrayed my trust. I attended a small school and everyone knew everyone. At least you would assume so.
“You still go to this school?” He asked me. “I didn’t even notice.” He laughed, and then continued on his way. Those were such a few words, simply formed into a question and a statement. Yet those few words remain in my memory. He made me feel as if I was not important enough to be noticed. I fear I will never forget those words.
***
“Would you ever date her?” A boy shouted across the classroom, referring to me.
“Ew, no way, that’s sick. She looks like a man!” The questioned boy answered. Yes, clearly within my earshot, he announced to the world that I resemble a man and am not fit for dating. I heard a group of students laughing, which made the stinging impact worse. I was, and still am, a beautiful girl. I’ve been told by adults that I look like a model. Strangers have complimented me on my beautiful hair color. I know I most defiantly am feminine and beautiful. However, they still said these terrible things about me, and I started to believe them when I was continually told I was ugly. This was a reoccurring event. These boys crushed my self-esteem.
***
My classmates and older students that I hardly knew would tell me that I dressed strange. They asked me why I only wore dark colors. I didn’t quite know the answer myself. I yearned to have a fashion of my own. I didn’t want to wear Hollister brand clothing like everyone else. I wasn’t seeking attention from anyone. I just didn’t want to change for their approval. I wanted to be my own person; I didn’t want to become another one of them. I was an oddity for something as simple as my wardrobe. I was never complimented like all the other girls. A strange look was the only attention I was awarded.
***
I have always been an avid reader. Reading took up most of my free time. I used to take one of my books to school every day to read when I got an extra minute in class. I wasn’t the only one who brought books to school, but they would read Twilight and other commonly known books. Apparently, I didn’t have the right taste in literature. I was called a devil worshiper when I was reading The Golden Compass. I didn’t hold the freedom to read what I wanted in middle school. I am now afraid to bring a book to school, I haven’t since 8th grade.
***
Things eventually took a turn for the worse. I started to write unsettling things in a notebook. I wrote about the pain I was experiencing and how I wanted to end my life. The words were rather frightening. One day my mother found the notebook and she wept when she read it. I slipped into a state of depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I simply wanted the pain I was feeling to go away. I resorted to self-harm because of these people. Harsh words can break you.
***
I have always enjoyed writing. I would write short stories in class in middle school.
“Why do you write stories?” They would ask, along with their judgmental stares. They didn’t think it was proper behavior to write for fun. What I love to do was wrong in their eyes. I am still afraid to write while I am in school. I don’t want discouragement from my new classmates.
***
I had begged my mother for two years to let me transfer schools. Finally, during the summer after 8th grade, she complied. My classmates drove me away from that school because of their bullying, the truth of it is horribly sad. They have left their scars on me. Those scars are not visible, but they are still lingering there. When I left, not one individual told me that I was missed. I will never forget how terrible they made me feel.
***
This is a true account of what I experienced in middle school. Reliving these events has been hard. However, I did it for a reason, for awareness. I hope you will now think before you speak. Even if it is just a joke to you, it may be hurting someone else. I hope this will open your eyes and that you will do what is right, no matter what the circumstance. I am now a sophomore in high school and am much happier in my new school.