Throughout my life, I have gone through quite a bit of bullying and been a bully. Some of the bullying incidents were so bad, I cut myself off. Here I shall share what occurred during those times.

My family is a fairly large one. My parents were divorced when I was around two years old and they both have flourished in the family area of life. My mother and father had me and my two older siblings. An older brother, and an older sister. I can't remember too much of my childhood other than a few memories I'd rather forget. A year after my parents divorced, or around that time, my younger sister was born. Years passed and eventually my parents both married again. My mother to a rather large man and my father a rather petite woman. My mother and step-father were parents of three sons. My father and step-mother have one daughter, one son, and one child on it's way into this world. As a middle child, I tried to get along with my older siblings. It worked, for a time. I was living with my mother when we moved away from where I was born. I still visit there often, but I isolate myself. Why? I had come to grow cold. My two older siblings and my younger sister had ganged up on me often, making me feel worthless. My mother attempted to reassure me that it was just their way of showing love. I tried so hard to ignore the remarks they made to me constantly, and I soon shut myself away from those that I had been told loved me. I didn't believe any of them anymore when they said they were joking. They just repeated the cycle daily. I had become sick and tired of the things they said and I had grown to hate them. I only said the accursed "I love you" because I felt obliged. I still don't love my family as I should. I started shutting myself in my room, away from all their belittling comments and wasted my time drawing, writing, playing video games, anything that would mean I wanted to be left alone. School was no better for me. My "friends" left me out of all the fun activities they did and I came to hate them too. I cut myself off form them as well and refused to talk to any of them. I had nobody to bully me now, so I ended up bullying myself. I told myself I was worthless and pathetic, that I'm to intelligent for my own good, that my siblings were right about me. I tried to get out of going to school as much as I could to avoid questions. I ended up joining basketball and found a friend. She was a very optimistic being where as I was entirely pessimistic. I had only talked to this girl once and it had been many years before. She intrigued me with her all around good attitude and through basketball I got to know her. She was very kind, and we became friends. I began to come out a little bit more, but I was quickly shoved back in when I person I knew very well told me to kill myself and just get it over with. That utterly shattered me. This time though, I forced a smile. I forced myself out to avoid people worrying about me. My heart hurt everyday before it slowly turned to ice, metaphorically. I was damaged, beyond repair at that point.

It was then, I tried to kill myself.

Even though then I wished to have it all over with, I was unable to go through it. I remembered my dear optimistic friend. I couldn't put her through that trauma of having a friend die out of nowhere. She basically saved my life. I cried for hours, realizing all the cruel things I've been telling myself and making me hate myself mentally. I never harmed my body, I thought it was pointless. I didn't tell anyone about what I tried to do, I hadn't restored my trust in anybody. Slowly, over time, people stopped bullying me at school. My sibling's still did, but I kept away from them as often as possible. I slowly recovered and finally confessed what I tried doing a year later to my dear friend. She sought out help for me, and quickly found it. I couldn't speak a word about why I felt as depressed as I did. I couldn't say I lost trust in people and my family due to their cruel words they said. I couldn't do that, not when the person I trusted with anything was in that same room. I began to doubt everything I did again, but I didn't bully myself anymore. I grew happier, until my dear friend began closing me off. She had her first boyfriend, and at first we all got along. We were a funny bunch. But I started getting uncomfortable when their relationship got more... intimate. I began to observe everything in a different perspective and noted that my best friend's boyfriend claimed he was in love with another girl, as well as my best friend. I began to grow frantic when they had supposedly become "engaged" and I had to prove to my friend he was a pervert trying to sleep with her. I tried my best, but I didn't succeed. And for a very long while, we didn't speak. I started hanging out with other people, but she never left my thoughts. She was a dear friend, practically a sister. I didn't want her to be heartbroken. We slowly redeveloped our friendship again, but then the bullying began. But it was from her boyfriend only. Everyone else had stopped and matured a bit. It wasn't just teasing or threats, it was lewd comments that made me highly uncomfortable. He'd talk about how nice specific parts of my body were even if I told him to shut up. He even grabbed my breasts one time which caused me to flee to the bathroom and cry. I couldn't confess to my friend what was happening because I didn't want her to lose her optimism. I cared too much for her and refused to hurt her. Sadly, I can't prevent others from hurting her. Her boyfriend cheated on her. She was hurt, I was enraged, and he felt little guilt. I glared at him often and he made snide remarks. I began to hate the human race. All we do is hurt each other and never think about how this will affect another's lives. Even a small remark can change one person's perspective on things. I am no exception to my own belief. I have bullied, but I believed it then to be a sort of vengeance bully. My little sister. I made fun her as they (her and my older siblings) had done to me. I was ruthless. My sister is a little slow when it comes to learning, so that was often the main point of my criticism. I always felt guilty about it, but seeing her face just enraged me more. I often forced an apology, but just like others do, I repeat the cycle. In fact, I still do living in such close quarters with her.

Bullying isn't something I enjoyed. It has caused me to have an intense hate for the human race. I care for a very few people on this planet. People can bully themselves and others and not recognize it until something happens. Something that could cost another's life. I try not to be so cruel, but my hatred takes over whenever I see those I have a grudge against. I wish I could still be caring and optimistic like my dearest friend, but try as I might, I can't. Bullying is not something to be taken lightly. Certain tragic moments in history could easily repeat themselves if something isn't done about the growing problem. I'm only one person, and I care little for other human beings, so there is nothing I want to do. All because of a little bullying that shattered my life fragment by fragment.