hello,
so, i feel alone. i don;t have anywhere to go anymore. i just want to yell & scream & be angry with everyone that comes in any sort of contact with me. i don't know what to do right now. i don't know if you understand what i'm saying or trying to say, but at least i'm trying. i don't know. i'm just tired & in so much pain. i just want to get away. i can't though. too many people depend on me here. i keep getting flash-backs too. of the things in my past. it scares me all the time, i don't want to go back to who & what i was all those years ago. i feel myself slipping at times. that's a bit frightening. just because i know what i used to be like. i honestly was a monster. all the time voices telling me to go at it one more times. not like anything back could happen. right? except that this isn't a substance to be addicted to. its more of a feeling received for doing bad things that makes stuff feel okay for a short while. but i don't want to go back to that. it's not easy. not at all. but i knew that it wouldn't be but that didn't keep me from wishing that it was. everyday is a challenge. new reasons. new pains. old escapes that worked. until i finally broke & shattered into pieces. at least i had a person to be there with me & hold my pieces until i could hold & hide them myself. i wish i would have thanked her for that. but i think that my thanks went to her with silence. i'll get better though. with each passing day & month & year . i know that with each passing moment that i'm going to get stronger. i won't be afraid anymore. i'm going to set myself free. all of the chains holding me to the ground are going to fall away & i'm going to fly high in the sky for my own reasons. i will be free. it might take awhile for it to happen, but nothing is going to stop me from being who i want to be.
this is who i am & i am free.