January 13, 2016, 8:16 a.m. CNN wishes all of you a happy Friday! Make sure to check out our article about the long-term effects of sleep deprivation while you sip your coffee!
January 13, 2016, 1:21 p.m. BREAKING NEWS: Woman admitted to local hospital supposedly “comes back from the dead” just minutes after she passed away during emergency heart surgery. Her nurses are calling it a “miracle.”
January 13, 2016, 1:23 p.m. CONTINUED: From recently acquired information, the doctors performing the surgery on the resurrected woman reported, “Her heart wasn’t beating when she sat up. Her eyes were half-shut as if she were still asleep, and her jaw seemed unhinged. Next thing we knew, she lunged at us.”
January 13, 2016, 1:27 p.m. CONTINUED: One surgeon recounted that the woman was making strange noises before she toppled from her hospital bed. She was pronounced dead when doctors reached her. Detectives and surgeons from neighboring hospitals are investigating the situation. More information to come.
January 14, 2016, 9:08 a.m. Two more cases similar to the “miracle woman” have been reported – in California and Washington. In both, the person was dead for several minutes before “sitting up and walking around as if nothing had happened,” say eyewitnesses. When approached, the resurrected people tried to attack anyone near them.
January 14, 2016, 9:24 a.m. BREAKING NEWS: A new virus – being called DTZ-1 – has been identified in the Western United States. It reportedly keeps the brain alive while the rest of the body is dead, resulting in physical movement despite a lack of heart activity. It is unknown whether it is contagious and what else it has in store.
January 14, 2016, 10:12 a.m. Report from New Mexico: Another dead man rose from his deathbed and tried to attack his daughter. According to her, “Dad seemed to be growling at me, and his eyes were glassy. He was frothing at the mouth. I was praying for my daddy to come back to life, but not like that!”
January 14, 2016, 11:01 a.m. BREAKING NEWS: Reports of DTZ-1 are flooding in from all over the globe. The dead are now walking the streets in all seven continents. One man from a small town on the outskirts of Philadelphia says, “They walk around as if they’ve been shot. They don’t seem to have a working brain or understand anything said to them. I saw them attack an elderly woman. It was gruesome.”
January 14, 2016, 1:09 p.m. The DTZ-1 victims are attacking anyone who comes too close. We advise you to stay indoors until this issue is resolved. Scientists are working to understand the cause of the virus. Infection caused by contact with said un-dead.
January 14, 2016, 3:45 p.m. PLEASE READ: Do not approach anyone who has a limp, whose mouth is slack, is making strange gurgling noises, or has pale, almost white skin. These people could be incredibly dangerous and are most likely victims of DTZ-1. Avoid them at all costs.
January 14, 2016, 9:56 p.m. The virus has spread to most parts of North America. In almost every state and every town, there are reports of attacks from the un-dead. We urge you to stay indoors and make as little noise as possible. It has been proven by many that victims of this violent disease are sensitive to and grow agitated by loud noises.
January 15, 2016, 2:09 p.m. The President of the United States has fallen victim to DTZ-1. Worldwide panic has ensued. We insist that anyone left reading should find safe shelter immediately and wait. Gather emergency supplies and hide with those you can trust.
January 15, 2016, 3:05 p.m. A mass power outage has affected most of the United States. People, dead and alive, litter the streets, the highways, and now empty cities. We leave you with this: Avoid the walking dead, find those you can trust, and wait for reinforcements. This is CNN, signing off. Good luck.
October 29, 2018, 6:37 p.m. Hello? Is anyone reading this?