Chapter 7: The part with the personalized dog dish

He hadn’t said much since Ryder. He rarely showed emotion at all. Jade began to believe this would be beyond her capabilities. She came into the kitchen with pamphlets and cards from local grievance lines, therapists, and emotional rehabilitation facilities.
“Vince?” She called out.
Jade approached the living room where the television was blasting a football game, fourty-zip.
“Vince, is that you? I have some things I think you should look at.”
“Score!” A voice called from beyond the couch.
Jade stopped at the carpet and leaned over the sofa.
“Are you kidding me?” Jade groaned. “Get up. And put that out, don’t ever do that in here”
“This is my hobby, Jade. You don’t see me telling you to put your animals in cages when you come over.”
“I’m about to put you in a cage.” Jade groaned.
Mason laughed. “Kinky.”
Jade gagged.
Mason got up. “Don’t tease me Jade, come over here…you know you want a ride.”
She put her hand on her hip. She was about half of another stupid remark away from kicking him in the shin again.
“Look, if you’re going to be here, which I do not fancy one bit, put your hobby out and don’t bring it in this house again or I’ll beat you into a coma.
“That’s hot.” Mason stood up straighter. He slowly approached her and she pushed him away.
“Come on Ransov, I’m dying over here. Any other girl would kill to sleep with me.”
“Well I’m not any other girl, Ryder just died, you’re homeless, I’m dating your best friend, and a million things have to go wrong before I consider getting into a bed with you.”

“I know you want me.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Come here babe.”
Jade rolled her eyes. She paused and thought for just a moment.
“Okay Mason. Here’s the go, but you can’t tell anyone this. Now, close your eyes.”
Mason shuts his eyes and sits back down on the couch. Jade approaches him. “Okay Jade” She thought. “You can do this. Just really quickly and It will be over before you know it.”
She got on top of Mason. Her face morphed into a disgusted, nauseous, save me expression. She straddled his waste side and leaned in to his ear. She gently whispered.
“My sweet, sweet Mason. There has always been something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and I’ve been struggling to find the right words.
She leaned in closer. “Kissing a smoker…is like licking an ashtray.” (*smack*)
She slapped Mason so hard across the face he was stuck in that position for at least twenty minutes.
Jade proceeded down the hallway and Vince was sitting in the bedroom.
“Babe, are you doing alright?” she asked.
“About the best one could be doing after their best friend burned to a crisp in their house.”
Jade lowered her head. “I know this isn’t looking great right now, but all that we can do is move forward.”
“Jade, I need a favor of you.”
“Babe, don’t worry about a thing, I was going to talk to you about moving in together anyway. I really think we’re ready to take that step in our relationship. Oh my gosh, this is so exciting. What should we do first? Wow that’s a dumb question, let’s go shopping! Eh Roomie?”
Vince lowered his head.
“Babe I’m talking about Mason.”
“Oh yeah of course, Mason, yeah I have a house at work he can use until he gets back on his feet. I’ll need to spray it out a little, but I’ll fill his bowls and I can have his treat jar personalized free of charge.”
Vince glared at her. “Jade.”
She batted her eyelashes and climbed up on his lap. “Baby you know I love you, right?”
“And I love you too, and because of our love, I know I can trust you to keep Mason in one piece while I’m gone.”
Jade looked confused. “Gone?” She asked.
“It’s only for about a week, while I’m in Chicago.”
Jade gasped. “Chicago?”
“Well yeah, babe I need to go talk to Ryder’s family.”
“And there are phones for this kind of thing darling. And the best feature of the telephone is this…Mason doesn’t live here.”
“It will only be about a week. We have no house, there is nowhere for him to go.”
Jade rolled her eyes.
“Fine but he sleeps in the garage. And not in my car, he gets a box on the floor.”
“Fine but give the man a blanket.”
“Vince, He sleeps naked, he’s getting seven blankets.”
Vince and Jade exited the bedroom and proceeded down the hallway.
“Mase, come here when you get a chance.”
Jade looked up at him. “Babe, he always has a chance, he just never does anything.”
Mason pops up and struts over to the kitchen counter.
“What’s up man?”
Jade turned to Vince. “Okay, you need to teach me how to do that.”
“Practice,”
“It’s going to be a long week. What time do you leave?”
“9:30.”
Mason’s jaw dropped. “Woah, woah man, where are we going? I thought we were staying at Jade’s. Not that I have any desire at all to be here, but she has a nice ass couch and a bigger screen than we had.”
Vince sighed. “I need to go to Chicago and talk with the Himm’s.”
“Who are the Himm’s?” Mason asked.
Vince and Jade face-palmed.
“Ryder’s family, Mason. Remember them?” Vince asked.
“And Ryder is…”
Jade turned to Vince and grabbed his waste side. “Please don’t leave me.” She begged.
“You’ll be fine.” Vince insisted.
He turned to Mason and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Mase, you’re staying with Jade for about a week, hopefully I’ll be back by then.”
Jade looked up. “You’ll be back by then.”
“Yes babe, hopefully I’ll be back by then.”
“You will.”
Mason looked awfully confused. “So when does Jade leave?” he asked.
Jade walked up to him and flicked his forehead. “I’m not leaving, stupid! Vince is leaving and I’m babysitting you until he gets back.”
“Oh hell no!” Mase exclaimed. “I’d rather die!”
“Yeah I’d rather you die too.” Jade said.
“Why can’t you go with Vince!”
“Because you’d still be homeless!”
“I could stay here!”
Jade laughed. “He could stay here, he says.”
“It’s better than being here with you, and at least that way you and Vince can get it on and I won’t have to hear it over the phone all week. He began to imitate the happy couple. “I love you baby Vince-bear. I love you too pudding pop. I love you more shnookems. I love you more than more sugar. I love you more than more than more, oh bloody hell I could vomit.”
Jade turned to Mason.“I can’t wait until you find a stable relationship. Our kids are going to love brushing it and walking it.”
“Butt!”
“Butthead!”
“Buttface!”
“Buttfoot!”
“Butthole!”
“Buttmunch!”

Vince rolled his eyes. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on the counter, drowning out the two.

Forty minutes go by, Vince is on can three, and Jade and Mason have run out of things to argue about, so they’re arguing about their arguments.

“You always do this!”
“Do what?”
“This, you put on that stupid expression and look at me that way!”
“I know better than to look at you!”
“Most of our fights are because you look at me!”
“Not true!”
“So true!”
“Nu-uh!”
“Yeah-huh!”
“Nu-uh!”

Vince massages his temples and empties his third can.

“You’re right, our fights are because you’re an idiot!”
“We fight because you’re a whiney little-”
“Finish that sentence!”
“Make me!”
“I’ll make you nothing!”
“Just admit it!”
“Admit what?”
“You cause our fights!”
“No, uh that’s you.”

Twenty more minutes go by. Vince goes to grab another beer from the fridge.

“Say that again, I dare you!”
“M-A-S-O-N. M for mistake, A for arrogant, S for Self Centered O for Oh god ew, and N for nuisance.”
Mason heated up. “J-A-D-E” He laughed. “J for Jack**s, A for Asexual, D for Damn she’s ugly, and E for Ew.”

Vince slammed the fridge door shut. “You children! Oh my god. Get over yourselves, please. I am begging of you. I’m not even going to be here and my mind is numb thinking of you two living this way.
“It’ll be fine, he’ll be sleeping in a box on the floor.”
“He’s staying in the guest room.”
“Says you,”
“Jade Elizabeth.”
“You sound like my father.”
Mason smirked. “But do you do to Vince what you would do to your-”
“Reese!” Vince exclaimed. “Both of you are done. Not another word out of either of you.” He scolded. “Let me paint a picture of the way the next week is going to go. This way everyone is on the same page.”
Jade rolled her eyes. “I’ll never be on the same page as-”
“Ransov!” Vince exclaimed. “I’m leaving in less than an hour.”

Mason and Jade sat down on the bench at the table.
Jade couldn’t believe what was about to go down, but she knew Vince really needed her. She could try and make nice with Mason for a week. She just had to take the high road and be the mature one.

Vince continued his lecture. “I love you both.”

Mason looked up at him “I love you too bro, no homo.”

“Watch your mouth Mason.”

Jade chuckled. “I love you too Vincey-Bear.”

“Well I’m glad you two feel that way, I just wish it would spread to each other. But since it’s not there quite yet, I’ll take a work in progress. However I’m setting some rules in place. Let’s start with Jade.”

Mason laughed. Jade smacked him upside the head.

“Jade, these aren’t punishments, they’re just keeping you both safe.”
Jade rolled her eyes. “Mhm.” She nodded.

“No swearing or cursing at Mason. If he does something that upsets you, use the deep breathing and yoga we’ve been talking about. Go to your room, do some mediation.”

Jade nodded. “I’ll try.”

“No confiscation of life necessities. He gets a bed in the guest room with blankets pillows etc. Feed him, don’t let him starve. Keep him hydrated and clean."

Jade nodded. “I’ll try.”
Vince glared. “You will.”

“Lastly, keep your distance from him as much as possible. The less you two are around each other, the less susceptible you are to arising issues.”

“That one I can guarantee.”

Vince smiled. “I’ve left a box of things you may come to need for his care while I’m gone.”

“Thanks babe,”

Mason gagged. “Get a room you two.”

Jade glared at Mason.

“Mase,” Vince said. “Now for your rules.”

Mason rolled his eyes. “But do I really need any? I’m the good one here, I’m the well-behaved, mature one in this situation!”

“As I mentioned with Jade, no swearing or cursing at each other, keep your distance, also for you, no smoking or drugs in or around her house.”

“No fair! I light at home!”

“You’re not home, we have no home right now, this is home.”

“So I should be able to light.

“Also no women over.”

“What?” Mason exclaimed.

“No sex in Jade’s house!”

“You have sex in Jade’s house!”

“With Jade!”

“Gross.”

“No practical jokes or tricks on Jade.”

“Come on!”

“No teasing her, no sexual jokes,”

“Bro,”

“No interfering with her job,”

Mason rolled his eyes.

“Keep the house in one piece, stay out of Jade’s room, sleep with your clothes on,”

Jade got up. “Always have your clothes on.”

“Don’t touch her animals, don’t touch her car, don’t offer to fix anything,”

“Way to suck the life out of this experience.”

“Don’t take her phone, don’t push her in the pool, don’t lock her in a port a potty, don’t run over her foot with your car, don’t lie to her, no eating outside the kitchen, no binge drinking, don’t touch her, don’t touch anything.

“Man you play a joke or two.”

Vince glared at Mason. He was far from amused. "Are we clear?"

They both sunk their heads low. "Yes, Vince."

He kissed them both atop their heads and walked out the back. He turned to face the door and shook his head. "Man," He mumbled. "It's like raising children."