January 2013
1 week ago

I blink. Reality hits like a brick to the face. Where am I?

Wait, no that was a real brick.

Obviously I am in the middle of some sort of quarrel; maybe it’s because of the brick, or the fact that a squirrelly looking man in tattered clothing is breathing his beer breath on my face. I tried to look my assailant in the eyes but he punched me again. Blinding my left eye, I could feel it bloat up because of the force of the blow.

Now I’m just mad, it didn’t hurt because I was still smacked out. Well I would of been if my buyer didn’t decide that I stole his shadow. Real quality people I have to deal with. I look around, sweeping for anything that I could use to get Mr. happy off of me. Wait. What’s that noise? Oh he is mumbling something. Kind of sounds like a deep rolling rumbling that you would here when a jet fly’s over. There! A pipe! But wait its way over by the dumpster. I was in the middle of the ally with Mr. happy on top of me trying to give some sort of victory speech about his shadow.

I paid closer attention to his speech. He paused frequently. That’s my window.

“Igozy aosd” pause.

"ahsa" more gibberish but a pause
"hasasgh" pause

What is he trying to say?
"yasdh"pause
I lifted up with my body as hard as I could and put in a jab into his small ribs, he went sailing to the right side of the ally. I’m sure I looked like some kind of circus monkey but it worked. I darted towards the pipe as fast as I could go. Just as I grabbed it the man had grabbed my leg. I spun around and brought down the pipe as hard as I could.

January 2013

Present day.
I’ve been hiding for a week, bouncing from hotel to hotel. No one in my family trusts me enough to let me stay with them. They said I became a monster after using drugs, to a point they are right but I am the same person. What do they know, they haven’t talked to me in 3 years?

The police found the body about 3 days ago. The only memories I have of that day was the first pipe strike and running away. I say first because the police report said multiple strikes about the head and neck is what killed the man in the ally. Like I said I only remember the one strike.

what was not in the report was the fact that he had attacked me under false pretenses. I was the victim, it was self-defense. Right?... yeah
I got to move. I have been staring at this vending machine too long. How long? There are people staring at me.

I blink and I am at the hotel, watching some kids cartoon with a dancing sponge. I’m laughing.
These black outs are getting longer; it originally only would happened every now and again and only last for a few minutes. Now they are hours long and I will blink back right in the middle of things. Few weeks ago I woke up on a train going Seattle. Suit case full and blood on one of my shirts. I never found out whose blood.

I realize its getting bad but at this point who cares. I killed a man, and I am, a loser druggie whose family has nothing to do with him. Maybe it would be better to turn myself in… least then I could say I made one good decision in my life.

Oh well I guess it’s time to use again. My insides are itching.

January 2013
2 days later
They almost caught me. I was shopping around trying to get more food to bring back the 3rd hotel this week.

I also saw my mother, she looked downtrodden. Why? Had the police listed me as the culprit?
Maybe I should talk to her… try and figure things out. Maybe get better
Yeah in a fool’s paradise, I know exactly what would happen if I was to return. First it would be "what are you doing back here?? We told you to never come back until you were clean. We don’t want to have to deal with your problems, you got your self all messed up now fix it.".

At the beginning of this they would have been more understanding and would have helped. Now? They wouldn’t spit in my direction

What time is it…

March 2013
It has been a month since the ally incident
The guilt is building up, I watched a video the other day about how the victim had a loving home.

As it turns out he was a family man, actually a teacher… but… he left behind three kids.
They were young kids too… two boys and one girl. The whole family is broken apart because of the decisions he made. I didn’t need to be involved.. all I was trying to do was make a quick buck in order to supply my own demon.

Demon.
Maybe I should seek help…
What has this done to me?
Well i guess its not just me, my friends , if i could call them that
They got spun out and crashed going 90 mph into an highway divider
They swore they were trying to out run the giant man-eating troll
Jake lived..
He lived because his seat had the only working airbag in the vehicle.


Wait, what is that sound?
Where am i?
Ugh it happened again…. The black outs, except this time I’m in a field. The sound I heard was the gentle grazing of a cow and her calf.
Why am I in a field..
Why do I continue to use, this has helped nothing..
I am however surprised that the drugs have not affected my mental coherency. Well minus the black outs.
March 2013
Four days later
Well they have a positive I.D on the pipe that was used on the man in the ally. They have my pictures everywhere.
How can I try and talk to my family when they think I am a murder.
Maybe if I explain things they would help get me a lawyer. No there is no way they would help.
Would they?... I am family..
I know where they all are. Maybe I should try and get help…
Tomorrow… right?
March 2013
That next day
I was fully intending on going and trying to get help
But the drug won.

As it turns out I woke up this morning at someone’s house, people everywhere. What happened?
How did I get here? The questions that most people go with. At this point I have grown accustom to the black outs and I just learn how to get back home. Its how I learned my way around most of the city.

At first when I woke up it was a haze of memories that stabbed at my brain until they finally broke through.

I’m a "murder"

March 2013
I lost track of how many days it’s been since the incident. But I do know I cannot sleep anymore. At night I am plagued with the imagery of the ally. Details no man ever wanted to see again .

A long time ago I banished my name. I believed that the person I was no longer existed except in the parallel universe where everything is better and perfect. Not a care in the world
I have lost coherent thought process. Is it the drugs or lack of sleep?

I must talk to someone other than the voices that surround me, whispering images of insanity. Wait... That made no sense. They speak to me in my head. It sounds like they are around me even though I know I am alone in my hotel. Hotel. I haven’t left in a week or two.
There is a constant banging on the door, I’m afraid to open it or they will get me. I don’t know who they are or what “get me” entails but I do know between black outs that I yell at them.

I yell something, I have no idea. Did I lose my sense of hearing or did I lose my voice.
Guilt.

I am running, why am I running? How did I get out of the hotel.

I look back over my shoulder and I see a broken window and the manager yelling at me through it. Then I notice the police cruiser that is parked outside the hotel.
I don’t want to go to jail
April 2013
“MOM!” I yell
I blacked out again, this time however I see a aged woman standing in front of me.
Dark brown hair, curly and unkempt.
Eyes that have dimmed because of the sorrow that they have witnessed
Of the evil that has befallen before her in a mess of ruined clothes and smacked out life style.
“Deral???” she replied, in a mixture of surprise and fear.
Fear because I have returned, worse then ever. Or perhaps because I am a murder
“What are you doing Deral you are all over the news?”
“I got into an accident” which was half a lie. I was assaulted but with no witnesses who would believe me.
"well that’s an understatement, the whole city believes you violently assaulted that man and killed him for nothing other then you were smacked out" she spat that last part
It was painfully obvious that she believed the reports, could I really blame her?
"help me get away mom"
Honestly i had no idea what made me say that, I previously had no intentions on leaving until i realized that even my own mother believed i was some sort of murdering monster..
"No i won’t help you Derel.." she lowered her head and looked away.
She was looking away but it was certain that mom was crying as she struggled to say something
"what mom?"
"no one will come save you on this Derel you messed up and now you are running away like a coward, your father and I did not raise you to be a coward." she was full on crying now. There was no to hide that.

Her words struck my heart like a cold knife...and when she turned around to look at me. She had aged since turning around. Makeup smeared and her eyes red and puffy. If this was under different circumstances it would of been as though her blue eyes wavered like the oceans waves as the tears left.

"Are you going to say something or just stand there gawking Derel!"

"I was not asking y-"

She cuts me off

"Do not try and turn this around, you messed up and now you are afraid of prison because you cannot own up to what you did. I can’t talk anymore good bye Derel, hopefully the next time I see you will of made better choices.. That or I’m identifying body" and with that she turned around and left
That last sentence hung in the air.
What have I become.. ?
March 2013
Its been two days since i saw my mother.
Its been a drug being since, however between blackouts i have been contemplating suicide
That or going to prison and possibly is getting the death penalty.
Either way it looked like prison cell with Bubbah or death.
I wonder what kind of suit my family will pick out at my funeral

March 2013
Well here we are. I decided that I will go thought with it.
I have the letter all done and addressed all proper like.
I have everything I need; bottle of pills, rope, and a bathtub full of water, and a hair dryer
If I’m going to do this I’m going to be 100% sure i cannot survive.
Well here we go.
I pop open the bottle of medication; i pour the glass of water.
I raise the glass up until i can see my reflection in the water just before i take a drink.
As i look at my reflection, moms voice echoes through the walls of my head.
"your father and I did not raise you to be a coward;"
I look into my eyes in the water, they have lost their color. In fact I had forgotten what color they were.
Green apple. At least that’s what they were.. Now they are a hollow shell of opaque. Where did all the life go?
Was this because of the accident or because of the drugs and parties...
Either way here i am. Standing here god knows where holding water and a dissolving pill in my mouth..
It tastes terrible.
"Am i a coward?"i ask my self.my voice surprises me, it sounds hoarse. Like it belonged to an older fellow.
It also sounded sad.

March 2013
That next day
I decided I’m going to live, but. I’m going to face up to what i have done. Not for my deserting family who wishes i was dead so they don’t have to clean up after me anymore.
I decided because I am not a coward, i am a better human being than I have been livening like for the past three years.

Its humiliating but here I am.
Standing out front of the police office.
Should I use one last time just because i know I’m going down?
I pondered that for a bit, it would ease my anxiety..
No i know that if I do I will either blame it on a black out or just go crazy and run off somewhere again, just to wake up somewhere unknown again.
I’m going to do the right thing, that family of the accident needs to have closure.
I walk up the step, one half of me is proud of the decision i have made to do what is right.
The other half is afraid, afraid of the uncertainty.
I grab the handle of the door. Its brass. Cold to the touch.
I take a deep breath, and walk inside,