I picked up the letter I’d read a hundred times. It was like an old friend to me now. I took it out of it’s soft, worn envelope and smoothed out it’s precarious creases.

“Dear Ella,
My Dearest Ella,
Ella,”

Why was the beginning so important to him? How did it matter which way he greeted me? He had it scratched through three times, roughly, like he was angry at the page.

“You were the one. You always have been. Since I stopped thinking girls had cooties. Since we had that movie night when we were eight and you had to hold me. Not the other way around. You’re never scared, the bravest person I ever met. Since I asked you to the Valentine’s Dance sophomore year and you told me no because you just didn’t feel like going. Since you kissed me the first night of summer a year later.”

I remembered that night well. Sitting on my porch swing, talking about what kind of ice cream we wanted my mom to bring us. I don’t even know why I did it but I did. I leaned over and kissed you square on the mouth. When you asked me why the only response I could come up with was because I could. Why couldn’t we have just forgotten about that kiss…

“But after that, you slipped away. I did not pursue you like I should have. But I wanted you…oh how I wanted to. I let you fall into his arms instead of mine. Jim. We were never together, but you left me all the same. We didn’t have those weekly movie nights. We didn’t even walk to school together anymore. Jim had a car.
After first period you never said a word to me. You walked right out to your boy and pecked him right on the lips…every day. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!”

Every time I read this line tears sting my eyes. Yes…it should have been him, but I was too proud to make the first move again, plus, I found love in another. Is that SO wrong of me?

“One day though, Jim was sick. You went to the bathroom and no one was in the halls. I knew it had to be then or I would miss my chance forever. You walked out and I was leaning against some lockers, but as soon as I saw you, there was no way I could even pretend to be cool. You looked gorgeous. No makeup and that KISS rocker tee I got you for your thirteenth birthday. I called your name. At first you looked a little nervous, but then I saw that big 10 Emma smile and you walked over. Then I made my mistake…I couldn’t help myself. I leaned down and kissed you. Hard. Pressing you against the locker I had just been leaning against. God it felt good. It was exactly like I’d imagined. My body fit against your every curve. We were perfect.”

By this time tears are streaming freely down my face. Each felt like a tiny razor blade cutting into the soft flesh of my cheeks. It HAD felt amazing. His lips soft, his eyes half closed, his body pressed right up against mine. But I was with Jim and…

“You hit me.”

I decked him. Right in the jaw.

“And then you walked away. You didn’t say one word. You just left me there. Again. And you didn’t look back.”

I was afraid if I did I’d have crumpled to the floor.

“After that we didn’t talk anymore. You didn’t even try to catch my eyes in the halls or talk to me if we became random lab partners. Senior year was the worst year of my life. So my love, I made my decision.”

At this part I closed my eyes. I knew what was going to happen. I could see the words burned into my memory.

“ It won’t be dramatic. There won’t be any body hanging from the ceiling with the chair kicked out from under it. There won’t be a gun and blood splatter against the wall. The reason? Because I’m leaving this world as you left me. As nothing. I’ll just be another teenager who accidentally overdosed on prescription drugs. Just another kid who died in their sleep.
No one will be able to prove it was suicide. The only person who will know is you and you won’t tell anyone. Not a soul. Because you know in your heart that it’s All. Your. Fault.”