[Setting: A living room with a coffee table, some chairs, and a couch.  It is meticulously organized and decorated for Thanksgiving.

At Rise: CAT enters, a teenage girl wearing all black clothes, heavy makeup, and combat boots.  She deliberately disturbs the furniture and switches the position of two decorative gourds on the coffee table.  She exits.  Her mother, MILLIE, enters and pointedly fixes everything CAT disturbed.  She exits.  After a moment, DREW, a college sophomore, enters through the front door with JESS, his girlfriend.  They carry suitcases.]

DREW
So this is it!  Home sweet home.

JESS
You have a nice house.

DREW
It’s nothing special, but it’s home.  (calls offstage) Mom!  I’m home!  (to JESS) Okay, so my mom’s a little nuts, but she means well.  She can be really…controlling.  Don’t let her get to you.

JESS
Okay.  I’ll try.

DREW
Oh God, am I freaking you out?  She’s not that bad, really.  I tried to warn her to take it easy, cause the last time I brought a girl home… Oh shoot, I didn’t mean to make you nervous!  I’m sorry—

JESS
Drew.  It’s fine.  I’m not nervous.  Everything’s going to be fine.

DREW
Okay.  Whew.  You’re right.  Everything’s going to be fine.  My mom’s going to love you and so is my sister.  Why wouldn’t they, right?  Everything’s going to be fine.

JESS
Right.  It’s just a few days.

DREW
Just a few days.  Where is she anyway?  I know she heard me, she has ears like a bat—

[MILLIE enters in the middle of a screaming fight with CAT.]

CAT
Oh my God, Mom!  Let it go!

MILLIE
Catherine Elizabeth Newman!  Do not use that tone with me!

CAT
Don’t call me Catherine!

MILLIE
Don’t be disrespectful!

CAT
Don’t tell me what to do!

DREW
Okay!  Good to see you too.

MILLIE
Oh, honey!  Hi.  Lovely to see you.  How was the trip?

CAT
Is this the new girlfriend?

MILLIE
(to CAT)
Don’t be rude.

JESS
It’s fine.  Yes, I’m the new girlfriend.  I’m Jess.  Nice to meet you.

[JESS shakes CAT’s hand.]

CAT
I’m Cat.

[She shoots a dark glance at MILLIE.]

CAT (cont.)
Nice to meet you.

MILLIE
And I’m Drew’s mother.  Millie.

[MILLIE cuts in front of CAT and kisses JESS on both cheeks.]

JESS
Nice to meet you too.  Thank you so much for having me.

MILLIE

Oh, you’re just a doll.  Happy Thanksgiving, sweetheart.

DREW
So…uh…what was that all about?  Do I even want to know?

MILLIE
Your sister is being difficult.  She refuses to wear the perfectly nice dress I picked out for her and insists on wearing…that.  Your relatives will be here in less than an hour and ridiculous clothes like that are not acceptable.

CAT
You’re ridiculous.  And I’m not wearing your f***ing ugly dress.

MILLIE
Catherine!  Watch your language.

CAT
Don’t call me Catherine!

MILLIE
Don’t swear at me!  And take your feet off the table.

CAT
I’m not letting you pick out my clothes.  I’m not in kindergarten anymore.

MILLIE
Why do you have to give me such a hard time about everything?

CAT
Why won’t you just let me wear what I want?

DREW
Okay!  I take it back.  I don’t want to know.  Do you think you can take a break from this just while Jess is here?

MILLIE
I wasn’t doing anything.  You saw the way she spoke to me.

CAT
Of course you’re going to blame this on me.

[MILLIE and CAT continue arguing.  DREW picks up a heavy photo album from the coffee table.  He guides JESS to a seat and hands it to her.]

DREW
(to JESS)
Sorry, Jess.  What a welcome.  Here, why don’t you take a look at these?

JESS
Wow, this is huge.

DREW
(quietly)
That’s what she said.

CAT
Not to you.

[Pause.]

DREW
Alright!  Snacks!  Mom, how about some snacks?  I think we could all use something to eat.

MILLIE
Fine.  Not too much, though, or else you won’t be hungry for dinner.  I spent all day on this turkey…I found a wonderful new recipe from Ina Garten…all organic, of course…

[MILLIE keeps talking to herself as she exits to the kitchen.  DREW visibly relaxes.]

DREW
Cat, do you think maybe you could just change?  You don’t have to put on the dress.  Just something decent.

CAT
But then she wins.

DREW
I know.  But please?  For me?

CAT
This is B.S.

DREW
I know.

CAT
She’s being—

DREW
I know, I know.  But I’m trying to make a good first impression.

CAT
Okay.  Sure.  Fine.

[She moves to exit.]

DREW
Wait, Cat—where’s Dad?

CAT
He’s at the grocery store.  Mom ran out of parsley to garnish the turkey.  God forbid the turkey is un-garnished.

DREW
Are you serious?

CAT
Are you actually surprised?

[CAT exits.  DREW falls back on the couch next to JESS and lets out a huge breath.  JESS slides the photo album back on to the table.]

DREW
Welcome to the family.

JESS
They seem nice.

DREW
Sorry about the fighting.  You know, the holidays bring out the worst in everyone.

JESS
It’s okay.  I get it.

DREW
You know, my mom, she’s just—

JESS
Drew—

DREW
Are you, like, secretly freaking out?  Did my mom intimidate you?  She’s not that bad, I promise.  Oh God—

JESS
Drew.  It’s fine.  I’m fine.  Not freaking out.

DREW
Really?

JESS
Really.  My mom and I were the same way when I was in high school.  I totally get it.  Just relax.

DREW

(exhales)

Okay, okay.

[MILLIE enters with a plate of snacks and sets it down on the table.  She sits.]

MILLIE
So, Jess, you’re not a vegetarian, I hope?

JESS
Oh God, no.

MILLIE
Good.  Drew has dated vegetarians before and, well, let’s just say it didn’t end well.

DREW
Mom…

MILLIE
What?  They’re all scrawny blond hipsters anyway.

DREW
Mom!

MILLIE
I’m just trying to get to know your new girlfriend, that’s all.  (to JESS) You don’t mind, do you?

JESS
It’s fine.

[MILLIE pulls out a pen and a clipboard and begins her interrogation.  DREW begins shoveling food into his mouth.]

MILLIE
Good.  So you’re a sophomore too?

JESS
Yes.

MILLIE
From California?

JESS
Yes.

MILLIE
Northern or southern?

JESS
Southern.

MILLIE
(disdainful) Oh… (pauses) Tell me about your family.

JESS
Well, it’s just me, my parents, and my little brother.

MILLIE
How sweet.  What do your parents do?

JESS
My mom’s a high school English teacher and my dad works in real estate.

MILLIE
Isn’t that nice.  Any history of mental illness in the family?

DREW
Mom!

MILLIE
What?

CAT (O.S.)
Mom, what’s the policy on fishnet stockings?

MILLIE
Catherine!

CAT (O.S.)
You’re probably right.  My red miniskirt would look better with no tights at all.

[MILLIE takes a moment to compose herself.]

MILLIE
(to JESS)
What are your hobbies?

JESS
Um…I like field hockey…I play piano…I like to read…

MILLIE
What’s your favorite book?

JESS
I like The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green.

[MILLIE clicks her tongue and disapprovingly marks her clipboard.]

MILLIE
Now, what adjective would you use to best describe yourself to a perfect stranger?

JESS
Um…empathetic?

[MILLIE approves.]

MILLIE
And if you had to listen to only one song for the rest of your life, what song would it be?

JESS
I would have to say “Imagine” by the John Lennon.

[MILLIE approves.]

MILLIE
What’s your spirit animal?

JESS
What?

MILLIE
Your spirit animal.

JESS
Umm…maybe a penguin?

MILLIE
(to herself) That’s a new one.  (to JESS) Now if you were stranded alone on a deserted island, assuming you had enough food and water, what one item would you choose to bring with you?

JESS
Uh…I don’t know.  I guess…maybe matches?

MILLIE
Very well.  What’s your GPA?

[CAT enters.  She has changed her outfit.]

MILLIE (cont.)
(to CAT)
Better.  Not great, but better.

CAT
Whatever.  Your food looks…decent.

[CAT moves to take some.  Before she can, MILLIE stands up and whisks the plate away.]

MILLIE
We’re about to eat.  You’ll ruin your appetite.  Drew, dear, come and help me in the kitchen.

[MILLIE exits with the plate.  DREW sighs and follows.  CAT and JESS sit in awkward silence.  CAT is cold and distant.]

JESS
So…you’re a sophomore in high school?

CAT
Junior.

JESS
Oh, sorry.  Have you started looking at colleges?

[CAT shakes her head.  Long awkward silence.]

JESS (cont.)
You should come check out Georgetown.  You could stay in my dorm with me for a weekend or something, if you wanted.

[Long awkward silence.]

JESS (cont.)
Do you have an idea of what you want to study?

[CAT shakes her head.  Long awkward silence.  Suddenly, CAT speaks.]

CAT
Have you and my brother had sex?

JESS
What?

CAT
You know, did you guys…

JESS
No!  Why…?

CAT
Just cause…I don’t know.  He’ll probably forget to bring condoms or something.  He’s stupid like that.  So you better bring them.

JESS
Okay.

CAT
Okay.

[Silence.]

CAT (cont.)
And make sure he wears sunscreen at soccer practice, okay?  He burns really easily.

JESS
Okay.

CAT
Okay.

[Silence.]

CAT (cont.)
And don’t make him shave if he doesn’t want to.  He hates that.  I know he looks like an idiot when he lets it grow, but then that’s his own fault if he doesn’t shave.

JESS
Okay.

CAT
Okay.

[Silence.]

JESS
Anything else I need to know?

CAT
What?  I don’t know.  His favorite color is green.  And his favorite candy is—

JESS
Snickers.  I know.

CAT
Oh.  Sorry.

JESS
It’s okay.  It’s nice of you to look out for him.

CAT
He looks out for me.

JESS
He talks about you all the time.  You’re really close, aren’t you?

CAT
I don’t know.  In this house, with my mother, you gotta have someone on your side.  (pauses) Did she interrogate you?

JESS
Kind of.

CAT
Yeah.  She always does that.  Sorry.

JESS
It’s fine.

CAT
Did she ask you the deserted island question?

JESS
She did.

CAT
What’d you say?

JESS
Matches.

CAT
That’s wrong.

JESS
What do you mean, it’s wrong?  It’s a subjective question.

CAT
No, it’s wrong.  The answer is obviously tampons.

JESS
Oh.  Good point.

CAT
No one ever gets it.  You know, you’re better than the last one.

JESS
Last what?

CAT
His last girlfriend.  She said lipstick.  Moron.  She was all gross and gushy and friendly to get me to like her.  It didn’t work.

[Silence.]

JESS
I don’t mean to intrude on you and your brother.  You guys obviously have a really nice thing going.  But I’ve been dating Drew for three months now and I’m not going anywhere.  So don’t hate me, okay?

CAT
I’ll try.

[After a moment, MILLIE and DREW enter.]

MILLIE
Come on, Jess, I’ll show you to your room.

DREW
(to JESS)

You need help with your bag?

MILLIE
We’re fine.  (to JESS) So, you never finished telling me about your GPA…

[MILLIE leads JESS offstage with her suitcase.  DREW sinks into the couch.]

DREW
Cat, I don’t think I can survive this dinner.

CAT
Oh, it’s going to be terrible.  Uncle Ted and Aunt Linda are coming.

DREW
(groans)
Are they bringing their kids too?

CAT
‘Course.

DREW
All the way from “Minnesota”?

[They mock the Minnesota accent.]

CAT
“Minnesota.”

DREW
“Minnesota.  We go ice fishing out in Minnesota.”

[They drop the accent, laughing.]

DREW (cont.)
How’ve you been, kid?  I missed you.

CAT
Ew.

DREW
Seriously.  (pauses) Are you still with that guy from the pool club?

CAT
No, I ended it a while ago.  He was pretty gross.

DREW
Uh, yeah, you think?  Good call.

CAT
Also, Dad caught us hooking up in my car and he freaked out.

DREW
Your car?  You mean my car that I’m so generously letting you use like the loving brother I am?

CAT
Whatever, Mother Teresa.  It still gives me trouble every time I try to put it in reverse.

DREW
Oh yeah, it’s temperamental.  I’ll show you the trick later.

CAT
Okay.  Warning you, it smells like weed in there.

DREW
Cat, if you’re smoking and driving I will literally kill you.

CAT
Come on, I’m not an idiot.  Chris borrowed it a few days ago and returned it like that.  Mom thought it was a new air freshener.

DREW
Some things never change.  (pauses) You sure you’re being safe?

CAT
Yes.  Oh my God, you’re like a helicopter brother.  Relax.

DREW
Just looking out for my baby sister.

CAT
Your baby sister doesn’t need her elderly brother to look after her.  Seriously, I’m fine.  I’m not stupid.

DREW
I know.  (pause) Hey, Cat?  What do you think of Jess?  She’s great, isn’t she?

CAT
Eh.

DREW
Oh, shut up.  You’ll like her once you get to know her.

CAT
I believe you.

DREW
You think Mom scared her off?

CAT
Nah, she seems good.  (pauses) Are you really happy with her?

DREW
Yes.

CAT
Is she nice to you?

DREW
Very.

CAT
Does she make you go shopping with her?

DREW
Never.

CAT
Do you play Scrabble with her?

DREW
Sometimes.

CAT
Is she as good as me?

DREW
Not even close.

CAT
She’ll do.

DREW
She’ll do?

[DREW shoves CAT off the couch.  She shoves him back.]

CAT
Oh, screw you!

DREW
Screw you!  Come on, help me bring my stuff upstairs, weirdo.

CAT
Oh, I’m the weirdo?  Look at your socks.

DREW
Hey, don’t be hating.  I know you love them.

CAT
They’re ridiculous.

DREW
You’re ridiculous.

CAT
Shut up!

[They exit with DREW’s bags, continuing to shove and tease each other.

End.]