Characters:
*Tina: An oddity; she brings life to the play with her random, but well thought out, actions; has a side of dark humor. Age: mid-teens Costume: imagine typical modern (but trendy) nerd (must have glasses and LOTS of bracelets).
*Grace: A very energetic character with a passion for the country. Has very exaggerated and loud gestures. Loves a good argument. Age: mid-teens Costume: Western wear (don’t overdo it!)
*Mike: The slightly flamboyant best friend of Grace; very enthusiastic about video games and jokes. He loves to make people smile. Age: mid-teens Costume: casual & careless hair
*Kenny: gawky teenager; is very awkward. He takes everything he does seriously. (Let’s not forget: Kenny ALWAYS dies in the end!) Age: mid-teens Costume: any shirt tucked into jeans; pocket protector?
*Anna: stark non-conformist with a smart mouth; always adds to conversations in odd ways and is a bit “out there.” Age: mid-teens Costume: brightly-colored clothing with lots of metal jewelry (imagine Hot Topic and Rue 21 had a baby….that’s Anna)
*Brin: A rather different girl with an obsession with food; very loud and random (with actions and voice) when she does decide to speak up. Age: mid-teens Costume: casual with sweatshirt jacket and fingerless gloves
*James: A very outspoken guy; another “trendy” nerd with a very bright and outgoing attitude. He always has funny and smart comebacks to everything. Age: Mid-teens Costume: think  (BBT) Sheldon with a fashion sense of Wallowitz, and you will be close.

Curtain rises on an almost empty stage. The only adornment is two long tables forming a “V” in the middle-downstage surrounded by seven chairs arranged in no particular order; there is idle talking behind stage suggesting it to be a cafeteria during lunchtime. Anna is occupying one seat; her ear buds are in, and she’s enthusiastically jamming out to whatever she’s listening to. Tina saunters in from stage right.

Tina: (Surveys what seems to be a pitiful lunch as she sets her tray down; picks at different things on her tray during next dialogue) Yet another healthy lunch filled with fruits, vegetables, and….GAH!!! What is the world is this?! (Picks up inanimate object and wiggles it in front of Anna’s face) Does this even fit under the category of food?

Anna: (Holds up fingers as a cross) Be gone out of this food, Devil! Be gone! (opens one eye after pause) Well… I guess it’s not possessed… Good luck trying to keep that down without some holy water!! (does the “Fonzie” point with thumbs at self) That’s why Anna brings her own lunch! (starts to dig through lunch box)

(While Anna is laughing and Tina’s staring dejectedly on what’s at the end of her fork, Kenny stumbles in from stage left with his tray packed with food. James soon follows)

Kenny: (slaps his tray down on the table as he trips over unseen object. His tray barely makes it to the table, but Kenny is a little less fortunate and face-plants it to the floor) Hello, ladies! Gosh, did anyone see the great food they’ve got to-AHHH!

Tina: (as Kenny drags himself into a chair and Anna watches while munching on her food; with great satisfaction:) Don’t die yet, Kenny! We need you for the master plan! (holds up fingers in a screen encasing Kenny) Your demise has to be…amazing! I mean, come on, falling on the floor? Boring! Now, death by food poisoning; that would be fantastic!

Kenny: (Freezes in his chair with absolute horror written on his face) What? What’s going on? Tina? Tina! (ducks under table with hands over his head as James sits down)

James: Tina, have you been threatening Kenny’s existence again? (looks over to Kenny’s cowering form and pats him on the back) Hey, Duck-and-cover, the Soviet’s bombs missed us. You can get out from under the table. Stalin left!

Anna: (As she holds up an asparagus stalk imaginatively) As if the table could save you from the skin melting radiation! Oh well, Ken-Ken, I guess you’ll just be someone’s science room project. (A look of shear horror and sickness slides down Kenny’s face as she continues; Annie is enjoying this for all she’s got:) Ooh! You could be one of the quaint skeleton models-

Tina: -standing in the corner of some old fogey’s science room!

James: (shaking his head and sing-songing like “Rock-a-bye Baby”) And there goes Kenny, epidermis and all! (pause, please!) What is this? (Holding up the same kind of UFO Tina did earlier, but with his hands; eventually sniffs it, with caution)

Brin: (sprinting/skipping on stage left with an expression of pure joy on her face) Ham slice day! Ham slice day! Hamsliceday! Ham! I LOVE HAM!!! AHAHAHAHA!! I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! (slides tray onto table and bounces so much in her seat so enthusiastically that the tables start to move)

(Everyone is frozen in place from minor shock, but Mike and Grace’s entrance from stage right seems to break the silence)

Mike: (thick sarcasm; very sassy) Aaaaaand here I am!

Grace: Excuuuuuuse me?! (sharply elbows Mike’s side)

Mike: Ahem, I mean here we are! (looks around as he and Grace set their trays down in the remaining spots; his eyes fall to rest as he freezes, seeing Brin’s crazed expression)

Brin: (out of breath; very punctuated words. She cradles “ham slice” as if it were gold) HAM. SLICE. DAY. (melts into hysterics)

Grace: (catching on) Okaaaaay, then. Who slipped a little somethin’-somethin’ into her cheerios? (Anna slowly raises hand into air with fake guilt on her face; everyone snickers)

James: (frustrated with insanity) Hey, don’t make any cracks at Brin, okay? OKAY?

(Beat. Everyone bursts into laughter, and James looks confused)

Tina: (nudges James; voice melts into girlish laughter) Crack! (her head hits the table, and she covers it with her arms as she shakes with laughter)

James: And there goes my last drop of sanity! (drops his still aloft “ham”; huffs in frustration and crosses his arms)

Kenny: You had any to start with? (tries to laugh, but can’t {really awkward})

Grace: Kenny! That’s not nice! (loudly slaps Kenny on the back of his head)

(Beat.)

Tina: (waves to get their attention; gets serious) Alright, everybody. Now, we actually have something important to discuss. (holds hands together in “Dr. Evil” pose) Now I have been thinking….

Anna: Since when?

Tina: AHEM! Like I said, I have been thinking, and it was deep, actually. (Sees Anna open her mouth) Can it, blondie! (Anna’s hands fly up in defeat; Tina slowly turns her focus back to situation) I was wondering, if anyone had a song that described their life perfectly, what would it be?

Brin: (Explodes into conversation with arms flailing) FOOD! GLORIOUS FOOD! WONDERFUL-

Tina: -Okay! Thank you, Brin, um, for that. Now, guys, I’m serious! It has to mean something deep and personal to you; (sidelong glance at Brin) not just shallow stuff.

Brin: (offended) Obviously you’ve never had Chicago-style deep dish pizza! It’s the best with pepperoni, sardines, and mmmmmm…ham..…… (trails off and gets lost in her imagination again)

Tina: Anna you really should go lightly on the, uh, special food additives, okay? (Anna salutes vivaciously then goes back to building a tower with whatever she can grab from other people’s trays). How about you, Mike?

Mike: “All the Single Ladies” by Beyonce! Duh! It’s so, (sigh)…. That song just totally describes me, (another sigh) you know?

Tina: (deliberately:) No, I don’t. (stabs something on her plate but decides to give up on eating anything and sets fork down)

Anna: What about Kenzie over here? (thumbs at Kenny)

Kenny: (pausing from attacking his tray; deeply thinking) Well, that’s a great question. What would mine be? Ummmm.. (lengthy pause; everyone goes still, except Brin, who loudly crunches on some chips).

Anna: (almost scoffing) “White and Nerdy.”

James: What?

Anna: Come on! Look at him! (uses a carrot in hand to point out each attribute she lists) White, clumsy, kinda gawky, and is nerdy even a question?

James: Ouch, she kind of hit that nail on the head. Sorry Kenzington!

Anna: I try, I try. What about you, Jamie-cakes? What’s your…erm… jam? (Tina giggles as James starts to look annoyed)

Tina: (crosses fingers) Oh, please be grape!

James: (ignores Tina and leans into table as if following words are of dire importance) Well, if you insist upon knowing, I live and die by “We Go Together.”

Grace: (twists her face) Ewww, a romantic song?

James: No! The one from Grease! Jeez! Anywho, I enjoy going through life all serious-like, but sometimes I like to stop whatever I’m doing and  (leaps out of chair; suprises Grace into dropping her milk) shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom and a little Chang chang changitty chang shoobo….Cause That's the way it should be, wha ooohhh yeah! (sits down calmly with folded hand as if nothing ever happened; Anna applauds him, and Grace’s enraged expression grows)

Grace: James Mathias Brooker, look what you made me do!

Mike: You forgot “Jr.”

Grace: (shoots a murderous look at Mike) Now I have to clean this mess up!

(Grace huffs and stomps off to get cleaned up)

Anna: (can’t resist) No use crying over spilled milk, sweetheart! Huh, guess she’s not a “Let it Go” kind of gal, huh? (waves at Grace offstage; looks around table curiously)

Tina: She seemed to have no trouble with “not holding back anymore,” though.

Anna: (spots her next target) Let’s see, let’s see, who else can we scare off? Hey, Mikey!

Mike: Yeah?

Anna: Don’t you think Battlefield 4 is so much better than Call of Duty could ever be? I mean, come on, could COD be anymore unrealistic and childish? And the graphics? Bleh. (pauses to let sink in as she thinks of next insult) Oh, and Beyonce’s music sucks, right?. That whole “Shoulda put a ring on it,” seems a little desperate, don’t ya think?

Mike: (ultimate “Oh no you didn’t” look) You did not just say that! I-uh-NO-just-(growls in frustration, throws hands up and leaves with tray)

Anna: (winks at Mike as he leaves; she’s loving this. New York accent:) Love ya, Mikey!

Tina: (started to play with her food again) I don’t think you can take that back….

Anna: Give him a few days…. Who next?

Tina: (smiles) Got this one! (hits table in front of Brin’s tray and snaps Brin out of some fantasy)

Brin: Huh?

Tina: I just heard that the lunch ladies are giving free seconds on today’s lunch. But you’d better hurry. (sing-song) It’s going faaaaaaast!

Brin: What?! (jumps up and sprints off stage) Wait for me! Don’t run out of food yet! I’M COMING!!!!

Anna: That’s three (both look at James, who has been silently observing the whole situation)

James: (stops mid-bite) No. Not happening. You aren’t outsmarting this dude.

Tina: (kind of understanding) How about Kenny?

(Everyone has been so focused on their own food and the commotion unfolding, that they’ve all but forgotten Kenny. Poor Kenny is face down in his own food and seems to not be breathing. Everyone notices this at once, but has different reactions)

Tina: Hey, Kenny, wake up! Someone’s life is in danger! There are some puppies in a burning house! Anna professed her love for you! (Anna glares, but everyone sees no response from Kenny)

James: (utter horror; rushes to Kenny’s side)(ad lib:) Who killed Kenny? Kenny! Wake up! Come on! (shakes him, but gets no response)

Tina: (hysterical laughing) He’s actually dead? He actually died by food poisoning? (stands up to proclaim it with mock sincerity) Let all the world know that I was the first to call it! Mwahahaha!!

Anna: (swings feet up on table and cleans fingernails) Mmm-hmmm. Have fun getting that insanity plea past the judge in court!

Tina: Hey! Don’t go pointing fingers, now!

James: (still trying to wake up Kenny) Tina, get over here and help me to get him to the nurse’s office!

Tina: (sighs) Fine! He did this last week, too. Remember? It was seafood day, but he didn’t realize it before digging in!

Anna: (Thoughtfully) All without his epi-pen. He probably just forgot how to breathe today.

James: (smacks his head with hand) There was a shrimp salad as a side for lunch today! Crap, guys! He’s going into shock!

(James and Tina hold Kenny up and drag him off stage, but with much difficulty; you can hear Tina singing strains of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” but she takes some liberties with a few of the words)

Tina: (with difficulty {she’s dragging a body afterall}) Do you want to hide a body? He’s been for dead for just a while…..

Anna: (Salutes Kenny as he is dragged off stage) You fought well, brave soldier, but in the end, the crustaceans won the day. (starts to stare off into space again) I hope it’s a Viking funeral…..(plugs earbuds back in, grabs Tina’s tray and starts to eat her food while singing; lights start to fade) “Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno! Burn, baby, burn!”