Characters:
WENDY: A loud abrasive black widow. She has a nasty dislike for wasps and always has something to gossip about. She is a widow (after eating her husband) and is caring for an egg sack. She lives in a flattering web at the end of the Mrs. Bake’s garden.
PATRICIA: A well-spoken, tall, kind hearted praying mantis. She is young and was just recently widowed after her honeymoon. She has little ones on the way and is close friends with Wendy.
GREG: A friendly neighborhood grasshopper. He is quite the brain.
WANDA: A wasp that lives in the top right window of Mrs. Bakes house. She and Wendy have never gotten along. She is stuck up, rude, greedy, and vain. She is a beautiful rose red and has a thin delicate waist.
Act I
[Enter WENDY, GREG and PATRICIA]
WENDY: That’s a splendid idea GREG!
GREG: Why thank ya much madam! I thought so myself!
[WENDY turns to GREG and PATRICIA]
WENDY: She won’t even see it coming! (cackles)
PATRICIA: Are you sure about this Wendy? What if she dies?
WENDY: (pointing a finger upward) It’ll save us all!
PATRICIA: Wendy, correct me if I am mistaken but she is not of threat to us. So what are we to be saved from?
WENDY: (says in a exaggerated questioning tone) What you ask? (Quickens the pace as she answers) Her aggravating, rude, uncalled for, no good, stuck up, full of it, big, fat mouth! That’s what!
[WENDY hustles to cupboard]
WENDY: (mutters to herself) hmm, yes, yes. Oh, yes. This is nice. Yes.
GREG: Wendy, How do you suppose we should (says slowly) lure her?
PATRICIA: (looking at GREG) What a wonderful question Greg. I suppose you should have thought that up earlier. (turns back to WENDY). How do you suppose we shall bring her here?
[WENDY turns around with some bugs in hand {flies, smaller spiders, etc}]
WENDY: With these!
GREG: (Gulp!)
PATRICIA: (looks interested and licks her lips (mandibles)).
WENDY: Once we lure her here, we can drive her mad! Then when the old lady comes out and that nasty Wanda stings her, that nest is going down. HAHA!
[PATRICIA and GREG clap. GREG claps slow and loud and PATRICIA claps softly and quickly. Then WENDY hands GREG and PATRICIA some bait]
WENDY: Let’s begin!
[All exit stage]
Act 2
[WENDY storming around room.]
WENDY: (aggravated) Why isn't this working?!?
[PATRICIA walks towards WENDY.]
PATRICIA: Wendy, it takes time.
[WENDY throws her hands up at PATRICIA]
WENDY: I've waited too long Patricia! I don’t live forever and she’s not coming for the bait!
[GREG speaks up]
GREG: I suppose we take a different approach Wendy. I say (cough) we throw a party and just (pauses) invite her over?
[WENDY makes a rather long blank expression and then “explodes”]
WENDY: Great! Let’s just invite over the wicked wasp of the west!!! (storming around again) Just wonderful. Just what I need!
PATRICIA: (In a slightly comforting tone) It is not a bad idea at all Wendy. You should take Greg’s advice.
[WENDY stops, stares at PATRICIA, looks over at GREG, looks back at PATRICIA, and taps her foot]
WENDY: (grumbles and then throws up her arms) Fine! We’ll throw a party.
GREG: wonderful!
PATRICIA: Splendid idea!
WENDY: Oh, Save me!
[WENDY grabs the bait and starts walking. Then she turns to GREG and PATRICIA]
WENDY: Come on lets go! Greg you go send some invites and Patricia you help me set up. I want this over with.
[WENDY and PATRICIA exit stage right. GREG exits stage left.]
Act 3
[Enter WANDA and WENDY]
WANDA: Oh Wendy, it’s about time you invited me to one of your little parties. Not that I am at all thrilled to be here, but it’s the thought that counts. You waited so long too, acting as if I wasn’t good enough or something. Haha! What a funny concept seeing that we all know which one of us is better.
WENDY: (rolling eyes and sarcastically) Well, I’m sure we do Wanda!
WANDA: (Ignoring Wendy’s sarcasm) The one of us with the redder tone, the one with the wings, the one with the strong mandibles, the hunter!! And most importantly, the less plump of the two! Ah yes, I am the best of us both and everybody knows it!!!! Silly Spider!
WENDY: (still sarcastic but more irritated) well of course you are Wanda, and yes, I’m sure everybody knows it! And what a shame if something were to happen to you, oh ho! Wouldn’t we all miss you?
WANDA: (ignoring Wendy completely) Oh hello Erwin E. Wig! How do you do?
[WANDA exits stage. Enter Patricia]
WENDY: I’m so sick of that blasted wasp, Wanda! I just want to get this over with!
PATRICIA: Wendy, good things come to bugs that wait. Be patient.
WENDY: I’m being as patient as patient can get! What do you expect? How dare her talking to me like that! (mutters) Patricia, where’s that cup of beetle juice?
PATRICIA: Left corner of the web Wendy. Over by William Wolf Spider.
WENDY: (storms out)
[WENDY exits stage. GREG enters]
GREG: (smiling) Looks like it’s about over for Wanda now!
PATRICIA: (gently smiling back) I suppose it almost is.
[Exit GREG and PATRICIA]
Act 4
[Enter ALL and EXTRAS. WANDA lingering and talking to some folks. WENDY holding the beetle juice. ]
WENDY: (whispers to PATRICIA and GREG) This is it! Nothing stains like beetle juice!
GREG: (whispers) And it’s almost twelve o’clock. Mrs. Bakes should be out to water her garden soon!
WENDY: (whispers) Here I go! (cackles)
PATRICIA/GREG: Good luck, Wendy!
[WENDY hustles behind WANDA with the beetle juice. Forcefully bumps WANDA, pouring the beetle juice all over her.]
WANDA: (angrily) Oh!
EXTRAS: (gasp) Oh!
WENDY: (trying not to laugh) Oh! My (snickers) I (snickers) didn't even see you there! (snickers)
WANDA: (furiously knocks the cup out of WENDY’s hand) How dare you! And to think that I would enjoy being here!
[Sound of an opening/shutting door]
PATRICIA: Looks like Mrs. Bakes is out.
GREG: Indeed!
WANDA: (ignoring the opening door) I am leaving!
[WANDA exits. WENDY, GREG, PATRICIA lean towards area where WANDA exits in a listening position.]
MRS.BAKES: (From behind the stage) OW! Pesky wasp just stung me! Better get the hose and knock down that nest.
[Sound of a hose]
WANDA: (gurgling) AHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
MRS.BAKES: (from behind stage) That’s the end of that!
[ALL pause and look at each other]
GREG: (excitedly breaking the silence) We did it! She’s dead!!!
ALL: Yaay! Woohoo! Alright!
[Everyone but WENDY,GREG and PATRICIA exits]
WENDY: (cackles) Ho Ho! Hee Hee! We did it! No more WANDA!
GREG: I guess this calls for a toast.
[ALL grab cups off of table.]
GREG: To the end of the vermin!
WENDY/PATRICIA: to the end of the vermin!
[Right as they’re about to take a drink an EXTRA runs in from where everyone exited]
EXTRA: We’re doomed to such awful fate!
GREG: (startled) Excuse?
EXTRA: (as they run off stage) The hornets are here!
[EXTRA exits stage. GREG, WENDY, and PATRICIA look at one another.]
WENDY: (abrasively) Not again!!!
[WENDY runs off stage. PATRICIA and GREG look at each other and then run off behind her]
[Curtains close]
The End