[Addison and Piper, two of the blondes, sitting on a bench Up-Center. Lights Up Enter Riley and Taylor, two brunettes, stage right]

Riley (To Taylor)

Hey Taylor, How do you drown a blond?

Taylor

Tape a mirror to the bottom of the pool! I heard that one before, it’s hilarious! Hey Riley, How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

Riley

I don’t know, how many?

Taylor

4; one to hold the light bulb, 2 to spin the ladder, and one to cry “Daddy!”

Riley
Nice!!
[Taylor and Riley Exit]

Addison
I’m insulted! Joke after Joke! They’re always making us feel so inferior!

Piper (looking in a compact)

C’mon Addison, you know they’re just jealous of our natural hair color.

Addison

Yea…but we should still do something about it! (Stands up) Let’s take a stand for blondes everywhere!

Piper
Can’t we just get our hair done?

Addison

No.

Piper

Nails?

Addison

NO! We need to hold and intervention! What part of ‘take a stand’ don’t you understand?

Piper

Hey, stand and understand rhyme!

Addison

No. you can’t rhyme stand with itself.

Piper (stands up)

Yes you can! –and, -and, They have the same ending!

Addison (sarcastically)

Yes and they same beginning. They rhyme. Can we just come up with a plan already?

Piper

But the mall…!

Addison (Grabbing Piper and pulling her off SR)

Not now Piper!

[Blackout]
[Todd and Margot are onstage. Lights Up Addison drags Piper onstage]

Addison

(Walking on) Hey guys, listen up! We need to take a stand! End blond Jokes!

Margot (reading)

I’m tired of all the jokes, being picked on and— (stands up)

Todd (playing a video game)

I say we make brunette jokes! (stands up)

Piper

Why does it matter? Life’s better blond anyway.

Addison
Yes that’s our slogan! That’s our catch phrase, our chant, our poster message, our…

(All look at Addison like she’s nuts)

Margot & Todd

Moving on!

Piper

Like Toyota “Moving you forward”!

Todd (under his breath)

Especially when their breaks don’t work.

(The girls next to him laugh while Addison rolls her eyes)


Addison

All in favor of the slogan “Life’s better blond”?


All

AYE!

[Blackout]
[Brunette intervention, same set up of chairs for 4 brunettes: Taylor (The lead brunette), Riley, Lindsey and Mark ]

Taylor
Hey guys, listen to this! According to Addison’s last tweet, (reads) “Blondes are taking a stand! Do you understand? And no Piper that does not rhyme.”

Lindsey (aside to Riley)

Wow, Riley, don’t you think Piper can be so…

Riley

Blond?


(Lindsey laughs and high fives Riley)

Mark (intrigued)

That’s a bit harsh, girls. What are they protesting, anyway?

Taylor

I also checked her Facebook, it says Blond jokes.

Mark

How do they expect to do that?

Riley

Hopefully not by IQ tests.

Lindsey

Ha! That’s a good one Riley! What else did they say, Taylor?


Taylor

Well Todd‘s status is “Life’s better blond” and Margot texted me “War. 3:00 today. Bring brunettes. And leave the jokes” (pauses) ...Why is Piper’s status “I still want my mani-pedi”?

(brief pause)

Mark

(shrugs it off) I dunno. But guys, why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?

All – Mark

It takes too long to retrain them!

Riley

They want war, we’ll give them war.

Lindsey

Brunettes know best!

Taylor

We’ll knock what little intelligence they have right out of them!

Riley (Chanting)

Brunettes know best!


All (joining in)

Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…

[Blackout]
[Addison, Piper, and Margot making signs. Lights up]

Addison

Those brunettes don’t even know what’s coming to them!

Margot

They think they’re so smart. We’ll see how smart they are when they go blond!

Addison (confused)

People don’t go blond, they go grey.

Margot (holding up empty milk carton labeled ‘Bleach’)

That’s what you think!


Piper

Isn’t that pronounced Bl-ech?

Addison

No, it’s not. It’s pronounced bleach.

Todd (entering)

Hey girls, how’s this? (Holds up sign reading “Life’s better blonde”)

Addison

Perfect!

Todd

How come you have bleach?


Margot

To dye their hair.

Todd (after a beat)

Cool.

Addison (stands up)

A few more minutes everyone! Get ready!

Margot (stands up)

This battle’s gonna be EPIC!

Piper (Margot pulls her up during this line)

I still just want to get my hair and nails done.

Addison/Margot

Later Piper, come on guys lets go! Life is better blonde!

All (minus Piper)

Life’s better blonde! Ext…

[Blackout]
[Riley with her phone, Lindsey and Mark painting a sign, Lights up]

Riley (looking at website on phone)

Man these are gold!

Lindsey (painting a sign)

Mind helping us instead of playing with your phone?!

Riley

I am helping! These will take down those blondes for good!

Taylor (entering with paints)

What are you guys up to?

Riley

Aren’t these great! Look, Taylor! Look!

Taylor (gives paint to Mark)

Mark

Thanks Taylor.

Taylor

Um, brunette is spelled wrong

Mark

Crap! (fixes sign) Ok, All better!

Taylor

Its still wrong
Mark

Gosh miss spellcheck, just let it go!
Riley

Taylor! Come here!!

Taylor

Um, Ok Mark. What is it Riley? (Reads the phone. Laughing) these are great! (Suddenly taken aback) oh…that’s a little bit too…

Riley


Perfect? I know! That’s my favorite. (Takes paper from stack, begins writing something)

Mark

I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they see us! (Holds up sign with slogan “Brunettes know best”)

Lindsey

If they can even understand us!

Mark

Any more status updates from them?

Taylor

Lemme check…oh yeah here’s one. From Piper “Ew…this bl-ech smells bad”

Lindsey (after a pause)

Does she mean Bleach?
Taylor

who knows?

Riley (beckoning to others)

Hey guys, I have the perfect way to take them down!


Mark

How?

Riley

With the one thing they can’t stand.

Taylor

That being…?

Riley

Blond Jokes. Come look at these!

All: (gather around Riley. Talking over each other)
Yes! Definitely! These are great! Perfect!
(Start chanting) Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…

[Blackout]
[Brunettes SL; Riley, Taylor, Lindey, Mark.]

Blondes

LIFE’S BETTER BLOND!

[Lights up Blondes enter]

Lindsey

They ARE doing something with bleach!

Taylor

Why would they even have bleach?

Lindsey

(shrugs) beats me

Addison
Look who decided to show up.

Riley

Look who remembered to show up.

Piper

I put in my cell phone to remind me!

Lindsey

(under her breath) Typical blonde…

Todd

Hey! We can hear you ya’ know!

Lindsey

You were supposed to!

Margot

Enough small talk, let’s get started!

Mark (“babying” her)

But big talk might be too difficult for you!

Margot

That’s it! (runs at Mark with the intention to pour bleach on him)

Mark

(hits the bleach, out of her hand, upstage) Ha! nice try. (cocky smile)

Margot

Aw man! My bleach!! (returns to blondes, defeated)

Addison

It’s ok Margot don’t worry! Hey Todd, What do brunettes miss about a great party?

Todd

The invitation! (Other blondes cheer)

Lindsey

We got invited to this.

Margot

We said war, not party. Your point is invalid.

Taylor

Fine. But I get invited to tons of parties!

Todd (Matter-of-factly)

I didn’t see you at the one last Saturday!

Lindsey

There was a party?

Taylor

(To Lindsey) shhhh! (To everyone, defensive) We…had plans… You wouldn’t understand!

Piper

That rhy—

Addison (annoyed)

Piper hush.
(All argue)

Riley
How do you confuse a blond?

Mark

Have them alphabetize M&M’s!

Piper

You can just organize them by color!

Lindsey

Why would you organize them at all!?

Piper

To taste the rainbow!

Addison

Piper, that’s skittles.

(Brunettes laugh)
Lindsey

Why did the blond climb into the fireplace?


Riley

So she could sleep like a log!

Margot

Oh yeah?! Well what do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? (flicks her hair)

Todd

Invisible! ...hey where’d they go?!

Taylor

Ha, Ha. Very funny.

Lindsey

What does a Blond make best for dinner?

Mark (stepping forward proudly)

Reservations.


Todd (Taking a step forward)

Okay Mark, try this out for size! What’s brown, black and blue?

(Mark shies away a bit)

Todd
A Brunette who’s told one too many blond jokes! (Punches Mark in the gut)

Mark (wincing)

Oww!

Piper (whispers to Addison)

Is he ok?

Addison (aside to piper)

Who cares!?

Mark (Stepping forward again)

Oh Really, what do you call a bunch of blondes at the bottom of the pool?

Riley

Air bubbles!

Todd (sarcastically)

Cuz our heads are full of air, how original.

Taylor (stepping further DC)

It’s a classic!

Addison (Meeting her DC)

We’ll its stupid!

Taylor

You’re stupid!

Addison

Nice comeback!

Taylor

Oh like you can do better!

(They Argue)

Margot (stepping forward between Addison and Taylor causing the arguing to stop)

What is the real reason a brunette can keep their figure?

Taylor

No one else wants it!

Mark

Hey thanks, I do have a great figure. (Strikes a pose)

Addison

That’s not what we meant!

Piper

He knows that!

Mark

You know you want me Piper!


Piper

I’d rather date a red head!

Mark

Well that’s okay cuz I’d rather hit myself with this sign then take you out!

Piper (boiling to the surface, insulted)

THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID ON FRIDAY! (Runs off Stage Right)

Mark (blushes)

I’ll….be right back…. (follows her off)


(Awkward silence, Margot coughs)

Riley

Awwwwkkkwwwaaarrrddddd....

(All Laugh)

Todd

So, You guys want to go to Panera?

Addison

Sure.

(All-Margot begin to exit)

Margot (runs to grab carton)

Can we stop at CVS? I need to get more bleach. (runs off L after everyone else who are laughing at Margot.)

Margot

Hey guys! hey where are you going? guys come on this isn’t funny! guyysss!

(Reenter Piper, SL, and Mark coming after her)

Mark

Piper, Wait! I didn’t mean it!

Piper

I don’t believe you.

Mark

I thought we decided to keep it a secret—

Piper

Well you took it too far! I wasn’t comfortable with this “war” in the first place!

Mark

I know, I know, I’m sorry. (Falls to his knees, begging) Being blond is just a recessive trait; it has nothing to do with intelligence, I know that! You’re the smartest girl I know Piper. I swear I didn’t mean it!

Piper (Walking away from him, arms crossed)

The sweet talk won’t get you very far Mark. It sounded like you meant what you said before.

Mark

Well I didn’t! I could never hurt you like that, I like you too much.

Piper

Well…PROVE IT

Mark
Well, (stands up, walks towards her) Come here! (Pulls her in as if to kiss her but they smack heads instead)

Mark and Piper

OW (hug)
[Blackout]
APPLAUSE